Posted on 01/06/2017 9:29:58 AM PST by rhett october
Are you a good husband or wife? Are you a good wife or husband? It seems like most people think that they are but with the high divorce rate of today and the large number of troubled marriages, it’s not likely that most spouses are “good” at it. In fact, most of us need to improve quite a bit in our role as a husband or wife.
So how do you know if you are an above average, super spouse or if you need to work to improve? This list should be helpful.
Ask yourself these 5 questions, and answer them honestly to know if you are a good wife/husband.
5. Do you talk to strangers in a kinder tone than you do your spouse? That is, do you reply in an annoyed, impatient tone to your spouse but show patience and kindness to complete strangers? I’m not saying you should be rude or impatient with strangers, but I am saying that your spouse deserves a gentle, patient response from you far more than a telemarketer or receptionist. Think about who you are responding to.
(Excerpt) Read more at marriageradio.com ...
Well, the stranger didn’t make me late for work.
PMS= Punish My Spouse.
I was married 20 years to my first wife and going on 19 with my second. They are night and day. My current wife and I violate none of those rules.
My first wife violated all five and I violated a couple. The funny part is that she dumped me. Boy, oh boy, did God have something better for me, though.
If a store clerk repeatedly and frequently ignores my presence, dismisses my opinion, takes a child’s side against me, and quit doing a primary thing that everyone normally expects of clerks, well, guess what...my tone with the clerk may be less than cheerful.
I’ve worked to change my habits over the years to be a good wife. My husband heard me answer the phone at work recently and laughingly said,”why don’t you talk to me like that?”
Guess I need to work on having a sweeter, more gentle tone at home!
Other than that, I’m feeling pretty good-have to say that reading mens’ comments regarding wives/girlfriends over the years on FR have helped. They’ve given me insight into my husband’s perspective. So thank you guys!
I’m pretty good on most of these. I really try hard not to take my daily stress out on my family. But I probably fail at talking to my family less politely than I do to strangers. Sadly, familiarity does breed a level of contempt in how I talk to them. I need to work on that.
I know what you mean about tone and it sounds like you’ve got good communication with your spouse.
Since I read my boss’s email at times for work, over the years I’ve come across a few emails from his wife to him. She’ll say something like, “Thank you so much for a wonderful weekend. I couldn’t ask for a better husband. I love you, etc” Really opened my eyes to how important it is to occasionally TELL your spouse that you appreciate them. And in writing is even better.
5. Do you talk to strangers in a kinder tone than you do your spouse? That is, do you reply in an annoyed, impatient tone to your spouse but show patience and kindness to complete strangers? I’m not saying you should be rude or impatient with strangers, but I am saying that your spouse deserves a gentle, patient response from you far more than a telemarketer or receptionist. Think about who you are responding to.
4. Do you take out the stresses of the day on your spouse? Had a bad day at work? Then how dare your spouse ask you what you want for supper or if you would take the dog out. Even if we have to take a moment to calm and compose ourselves, we must become experts at separating work and other stresses from the way we react to the people we love. They don’t deserve your anger at the idiot at the office whose bad decision added to your work load. Your spouse (and your children) deserve your “best side” when possible and should be an opportunity for you to change your focus from the external stress of your day be it in an office building, construction site or at home.
3. Are you a yeller? Yelling (in anger) is very bad. It’s an emotional weapon intended to injure your spouse enough for you to get your way or make your point. The injuries add up to create grand canyons of distance and hurt in your marriage even if neither of you can verbalized why. Read more about how yelling can destroy your marriage (and how stopping can save it).
2. Do you reject your spouse? Yes, I’m talking about sexual rejection. Like yelling, this will also create deep hurt and resentment. The pain of sexual rejection will almost always be processed emotionally as a personal rejection of your spouse. Do yourself, your spouse, and your marriage a favor by having frequent sex that is as exciting, intimate, and mutually fulfilling as possible. But even “bad” sex, where neither of you would rate it as great, still brings you closer together and reduces stress. Frequent sex is one of the most powerful things you can do to keep your marriage strong and together.
1. Do you punish your spouse for telling you the truth? According to Dr. Joe Beam, when we verbally attack, pout, withhold sex, yell or do something else when our spouse tells us something that’s true but we don’t want to hear, we are teaching him/her to lie to us. And lying destroys closeness and intimacy from both sides (the one being lied to and the one lying). If you ask your spouse a question, be prepared and willing to accept the truth. If you aren’t willing to accept the truth from your spouse or don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask. Just know that to whatever degree your spouse feels punished by your reaction, to that degree you teach him/her to lie to you or tell you a partial truth next time and in the future.
Ditto, all counts. Thinks it’s fairly common now. Guys are happier. Poorer, but happier.
bkmk
My first wife violated all five and I violated a couple. The funny part is that she dumped me. Boy, oh boy, did God have something better for me, though.
Same here - 12 years with the first and coming up on 25 with the current.
First was really tough to deal with as she would search for a knife to twist and I got very good at same. Current one has never had me yell at her (once stopped me as I was explaining why she should be more careful with something to prevent damage and told me she loved how I talked to her - as I was fixing the item for the 4th or 5th time) and we have had 2 arguments that were over before we went to bed those nights.
Well I never talk to strangers so I’m good on that one. :-)
You probably need to put in some work. Flowers (or something special) and an "I Love You, Honey" when you come home tonite are the first step of a long journey.
6. Do you talk during movies?
Withhold sex ? What’s sex ??
:) Good one
Very sorry to hear this. That must be tough.
If you want an answer to that one, just find out if anyone feels the need to walk on eggshells in your presence.
If people have to do that to avoid your going off on them, then you have a problem.
We talk to strangers more polite because we are not ourself. We have more at risk at home.
The problem is each spouse must grieve their past thoroughly to be a kinder gentler person. There is no free lunch. 2 people retain as much baggage as their ability to grieve and let go. An individual must be free first, and only then can the kinder gentler grow forth.
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