Clinton Wins Straw Ballot at San Quentin Prison [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Oct 2016 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

In what was billed as a preview of a newly passed California law that will permit imprisoned felons to vote for real next year, a limited trial run was conducted by the inmate-run newspaper at San Quentin State Prison this week. The inmates were given an opportunity to vote for president of the United States and on Proposition 62, which would outlaw capital punishment.

Democrat Hillary Clinton won with 79% of the vote. Green Party candidate Jill Stein finished second with 11%. Donald Trump was third with 9%. Editor of the inmate paper Arnulfo Garcia speculated that "the results might reflect a greater feeling of comfort with the Democrat. On a personal level, many of the men I've talked to express an admiration for her ability to break the rules and elude consequences. On a political level, they feel that Democrats are more in sync with their values. Mrs. Clinton's decision to side with Black Lives Matter in their battle with the police has won many over to her side."

On Proposition 62, inmates voted 91% in favor of repealing the death penalty. Garcia observed that "from my discussions with inmates it seems that most of the so-called murders were really accidents. They hit a person harder than they intended, stabbed him more than they should have, or shot him out of nervousness. In other cases, the claim is that the victim brought it on himself by resisting, not following instructions in a timely manner, or just being a jerk who needed killing."

Sponsor of the legislation Assembly Woman Shirley Weber (D-79th District) praised the mock election as "a promising glimpse of a bright future. It is long past the time when we ought to have recognized that criminals are also human beings and deserve the right to participate in the election of our government. They shouldn't be slaves to laws created without their consent. Who knows, maybe if prisoners had been voting all along the crimes of which they were convicted wouldn't have been crimes and they wouldn't be in jail now."

In related news, in this week's vice-presidential debate Democratic candidate Sen. Tim Kaine (Va) pronounced his "most difficult moral dilemma as a Catholic when I was Governor was grappling with the death penalty." He contrasted his personal opposition to "killing a real human being" with "Republicans' obsession with denying women the right to control what comes out of their own bodies. There's no proof that these partially formed biological masses are true human beings as we understand it."

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php?topic=228514.0

[MUDDOG]

In 1988 Willie Horton was asked who he was for. He answered, “Dukakis, of course.”

[PROCON]

You didn't hear about the write-in candidate?

[mumblypeg]

This is your very best, IMO, John! A classic! Made my day!
Although your columns are always good.

[Boomer]

Imagine a prison full of gimmedat’s voting for the party that will most likely give them more handouts. Not really the biggest newsflash but still good to know. :)