They are completely ignoring what the doctors tell them. My dad ignores them because he no longer has the capability to remember beyond a few minutes what is said. My mom, we just aren't sure where she is at; if she doesn't like what is said she denies it was said or says she doesn't remember. It's hard to know with her because she always been like that. Even her new doctor said she was "particularly difficult."
Dad has been told by 2 different doctors not to drive & mostly he's ok with that. But if my mom wants something or to go somewhere she instigates him wanting to drive. They currently don't have their car, but want to back. My mom is going blind, but insists she can drive.
Anyway, it goes on and on. We are meeting with an Elderly Care attorney tomorrow to see if guardianship is an option.
All advise/suggestions are appreciated.
I don’t know what to tell you except try to get them at a vulnerable moment and ask for a power of attorney and get them to a lawyer posthaste.
We were lucky, my mother willingly gave my brother POA and my MIL put her estate in a trust and named my husband POA and medical POA.
The problem with your parents is they still have each other to rely on even if they aren’t completely all there.
Did you get it in writing about the house and the car?
Bookmarked.
1) Find a good elder attorney... you have a lot of work in front of you.
2) Plan to have them live with you / siblings OR at an elder care facility. Many elder care facilities will charge
3) Get paper copies of their assets going back several years: bank statements / investment accounts, deeds to home(s), car(s), properties, etc. You will need them to apply for Medicaid / VA pension, etc.
4) If they are going to live in an elder care facility, prices can range from $5k to $18K per month per person (or more) depending on the facility and the type of assistance they need. If your parents run out of assets (less than 2K??, some facilities will take just the Medicaid payments and social security as payment in full. Make sure you get it in writing from the facility
5) Prepay your parents real-estate taxes, insurance premiums, heating / electric bills, prescription plan, adult diapers, etc... as much as possible. If they need smaller furniture for their new apartment, buy it with their money. Photocopy and scan the records of the receipts, and keep the receipts.
6) You should start Medicated / VA pension applications now (with your attorney). The process can be lengthy, and depends on the office you are working with. The medicaid office (through your attorney) will need all of your parents financial records/assets.
7) Do not touch any of their assets and if they made cash payments to you/your siblings in the past few years, you’ll probably end up having to pay it back or the Medicaid application won’t get approved. And the application won’t be approved until their assets are under 1 or 2K each.
8) Open up separate bank accounts for them.
9) When you go through their house, keep everything that has a memory for you. Keep things with which to decorate their new apartment. You’ll be surprised at how little that solid mahogany bedroom set and the heirloom china brings in.
10) Don’t put valuable things in their new apartment ... it will walk away.
11) Before you throw anything out, go through books, old newspapers, etc. page by page ... people w/ dementia or Alzheimers have been know to hoard cash in weird spots.
12) Sell the car so they can’t drive, but be prepared to run a lot of errands.
13) If you select an elder care facility, make sure it’s close so you can visit.
14) Get your spouse and your siblings prepared for what’s ahead.
15) Remember that they took care of you when you couldn’t take care of yourself.
Good Luck
First, best wishes to you. My mom has Alzheimer’s and I have her POA. She signed it before she was too far gone and still understood what was going to happen. She actually likes that she doesn’t have to know about money now! My advice is to seek out a good social worker who will lead you through the process of taking over their affairs. Our county’s office on aging provides this service. They know how to walk you through it so you don’t miss anything! Whoever finally is their POA will have to make the tough decisions that are to come. That social worker can walk you through those too so you can get ahead of them. For instance, where will they go when their condition worsens? How much medical intervention do you want them to have now and again once their dementia increases? Just a couple examples of what they can talk with you about.
Very important tho, because the elderly are rich targets for theft.
My Grandmother had $300 thousand stolen by a family member who had the POA. I had to file for Guardianship to stop her from stealing.
Things will only get worse from here, Dementia makes them scared, which makes them more and more angry....at you! Sort of like children. Once they are all the way “over” the anger will ease up.
I cried like crazy at the beginning, thinking this women who raised me also hated me!
The more you understand what is going on in their heads, the more you will be able to let it roll off your back. Talk to professionals who work with Dementia daily, not just Drs, but staff who work at their retirement home.
Prayers!
They are lambs among wolves. You need to take control of their finances or they will lose everything. If they don’t cooperate see an attorney.
My two experiences with guardians has been bad. The guardians ended up owning things they should not have. They also overcharged. If you or another trusted relative can be their guardian, so much the better.
Best of luck.
Bern
check their finances if they allow. My MIL was 135k in debt when she died, with out anything to show for it.
I guarantee she gave/lent $$ to a friend, or even a friends friend.
She had about 2k coming in a month with a paid off car/home, but just kept buying crap.
My husband never wanted to push the issue but I think had he been on top of it she would not have gotten into so much $ trouble.
I have not directly had to deal with a situation like yours, but I have two sets of close relatives who have.
In both cases, professional help was needed, as instruction and advise from a professional sometimes gets a more receptive hearing with the elderly, than the same thing coming from their adult children.
I feel for you.
My mother is in a dementia facility. My wife’s mother, who lived independently until last week...had a stroke, and will now need to go somewhere for care.
In both cases, we were lucky. Both mothers had agreed to POA’s and have cooperated in our choices. I’m sorry you don’t have that cooperation. It makes a difficult situation even more difficult.
We tried keeping my mother at home. Recurring bouts of c-diff (nasty stuff), our home’s poor floor plan, and Mom’s dementia-fueled refusal to not climb the stairs led to our finding a SNF/skilled nursing facility for her. I, as POA, was able to clear out her house, get it sold and take over the checkbook. She wasn’t a driver, so no car involved. Sister and brother were willing to help but they’re out of town, so...
The main advice I can give...get legal control of your parents assets/medical situation as soon as possible.
One other thing. If my Mom stands up, she will fall, period. Then you’re talking broken bones, etc (her: broken hip, shoulder, eye socket!). She just doesn’t know not to stand up. If your parents reach that point, don’t be shy about asking for alarms...bed alarm, chair alarm, whatever. And be sure the facility will respond quickly to those alarms. When we’re visiting Mom, I listen for alarms to sound...and watch to see how fast the staff responds.
It’s against the law to restrain these folks with physical/chemical methods. A seat belt (or some duct tape would be most helpful), but that’s not allowed. We were able, however, to make our thoughts known that we were very open to any med that would keep Mom “relaxed” so she wouldn’t be constantly jumping up (and falling). Our thoughts were acted on by the proper medicos...and she seems better at staying seated.
I’ll pray for you. I hope things get better.
My thoughts are with you and I echo the previous posts and comments.
My dad had serious dementia beginning about 2 years prior to his death in February, 2013. There are a lot of resources available to help you (e.g. Alzheimer’s Association, state office on aging, etc.). Don’t be afraid to reach out to them for possible solutions—not all situations have a cut and dried answer so use what you can and move forward as best as possible.
Your head won’t always agree with your heart in what’s the correct call, but you will find out that most decisions you will make are in varying shades of grey. I always tried to make them with keeping the dignity and respect of the parent uppermost in my mind. You will experience times where you will wonder if you’re going crazy or if it’s hopelessly never going to get better and, trust me, it will get better in time.
Best immediate advice is to know as much about the legal situation as possible, get organized and keep a notebook/journal of all that you do and all contacts with outside agencies, get control of all the mail and make sure the bills get paid and to take care of YOU along the way. You can’t help take care of them if you aren’t well. Tall order but hang in there.
Your mom isn't going to be happy. Based on what you've said she probably never was and now she never will be. That isn't your fault so don't beat yourself up over it. You cannot change the way she is no matter how hard you try, and you aren't responsible for her happiness or lack thereof. Act in what you think are the best interest of her and your father and take comfort in that.
Dementia brings people down to the level of a toddler. If your mother was negative and demanding before then she will only get worse. That cognitive ability she had before to control her temper and her emotions and cover her less than plesant side with a veneer of civility is gone. She can't control her behavior or personality and she will direct a lot of hateful and spiteful remarks at you. Don't take it personal. It's like the 3 year old who is angry because he is forced to eat his vegitables and who tells his mom that he hates her just to get a rise out of her. Again, remind yourself that you are the parent here and your job is to do what is best for your parents and not win a popularity contest.
But for all that remember that your parents are probably scared silly. They are confused. Nothing seems right anymore. There is no comfort zone for them. Their routine is gone. Imagine if you were 3 years old plopped down in the middle of a jungle. That's what they're going through.
Make sure your parents are in the right place. Just because a senior care facility says they can deal with dementia residents doesn't mean they actually can. Some will charge a bundle in extra fees for their dementia residents and then not deliver. Find out what programs the place your parents are in offers and visit with the people there. In terms of hygine and care, that's what your folks will look like sooner rather than later.
My mom has a framed copy of the Alzheimer's poem: "Do Not Ask Me To Remember." I know because I gave it to her. She takes comfort in it so I suggest you Google it. It may provide comfort to you, too.
Kindly check your mail.
I read through all the comments in this thread. Lots of good legal, financial and practical advice. A lot of commonality in the stories how demented people deteriorate. Been there, seen that, got the scars. Not much I can add, except that you should not be surprised or shocked by your parent’s hostility as they decline. Don’t take it personally. Dementia peels off the veneer of civility to reveal a mean-spirited baby that trusts no one and curses like a sailor. My mother lives in a swank retirement home, but she’d tell you it is the Black Hole of Calcutta. We keep a visitor’s log in her room to prove that yes, she has been visited by her children as recently as yesterday, not ten years ago as she claims. Your parents changed your diapers and forced you to do things you really didn’t want. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Tough love time, it has to be done, because you love them.
bttt
pfl
Sorry to hear this is the way tings are going - second the power of attorney recommendation - best long term plan I think is to spend down their assets and get them both into Medicaid, then into an assisted living or nursing home - good luck...
Advice on what to do from anyone who is NOT a lawyer in your state would be illegal, other than general experience someone else has had....each state has their own elder laws.
Beware, a guardian for the person and for the estate may be two different things where you live. Make sure that attorney has you and your family’s best interest at heart, there is nothing more I can say, except there are dangers financially and personally, depending on how much money is involved.
Best wishes.