Lemme break this down for you before we are all sent to Eric Holder Political Re-Education Camp, OK?
You see, my children, African-Americans were in bondage for 400 years in the New World. Of course, during that entire period of white exploitation of this noble race, the slaves were denied the franchise.
As anyone who has completed a New Math course can easily deduce, these denied votes would easily increase to a number in the BILLIONS over the centuries, not to mention the millions upon millions who perished in the sea voyage from Africa to our shores. (Number source: Maya Angelou)
That means, as night follows day, that the descendants of these former slaves have the right ... nay the duty ... to make up for all those of years of missed elections. They must reclaim the lost rights of their ancestors. They know through race memory exactly how those ancestors would have voted, had they the chance. So, vote for them they must. Early. Often. Electronically. By Mail. By appearing at multiple precincts in the Federally Funded Church Van, and if needs be, appearing as a virtual voter construct in the geek-mind of some young nerd who grew up on Sim City.
In the case of African-American women, even after Emancipation they were denied the right to vote by vicious, patriarchal, hierarchical, gender-normative, imperialist, colonial men ... so they are owed ... in addition to a free cell phone, Sec 8 housing, EBT, AFDC, and Medical, as many extra votes as needed to assure their continued reception of these benefits.
Illegal aliens are another case in point where you Republicans and Conservatives need a little straightening out. They are also the descendants of slaves and other oppressed classes. In their case, they reach back into the mists of colonial time to use the names of as many of their ancestors, legitimate and otherwise, as they possibly can, honoring them with multiple identities and making sure that each identity has full rights, benefits, and any goodies left lying around by other oppressed minorities. That includes the vote for each identity. Fair is fair.
I hope you fanatical Right Wing Racists will see the justice here. After all, it's not as if minority voters are out to strip you of the franchise ... unless absolutely necessary of course.
I realize that it's semi-satirical, but two minor quibbles:
(1) Minority Voter Fraud (A bit of a redundancy there.)
Actually voter fraud in the US was pretty much perfected by whites, particularly white ethnic-dominated big city Democrat machines. This relatively new "minority" voter fraud is mostly masterminded and managed from above by leftist white Democratic hacks with some "minorities" as willing pawns carrying out their schemes in exchange for government handouts, while the rest of the country is ripped off. Votes for handouts, with some voter fraud in the mix, was very characteristic of the FDR New Deal era, and there were relatively few blacks involved in those schemes back then.
(2)African-Americans were in bondage for 400 years in the New World. Of course, during that entire period of white exploitation of this noble race, the slaves were denied the franchise.
A arithmetical gaffe by the Holderites here. Columbus comes to the New World in 1492. 400 years later is 1892, AFTER the slaves in the US were emancipated, and AFTER slavery ended in just about the entire New World. But to expect the current left to be able to know basic arithmetic and history is expecting too much, their minds being so underdeveloped. Yes, a mind is a terrible thing to waste!