A Pregnant Pause...Part 2 (and Hannah makes six!)

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised (and by that, I mean completely astounded!) by the incredible number of hits received by yesterday's blog post. The subject matter was sensitive, controversial, and...well...pretty radical. I knew the post had the potential to ruffle some feathers, but this part of our story--from disobedience through conviction to restoration--is so utterly foundational to the rest of our story. Without this, you really can't have a full understanding of our spiritual timeline, and you can't fully appreciate the introductions to the rest of our children!

As I said yesterday, Sweet Jimmy B listened patiently while I grieved over our decision to take our family planning out of God's hands. Many husbands would have dismissed such an outburst as foolishness; most would have laughed at the mere hint that they might once again be asked to face a scalpel-wielding urologist. But as he so often does when confronted with God's truth, Jim immediately agreed that we had made a mistake...and he committed to finding a way to restore us to obedience.

What we discovered very quickly was that we weren't alone. Many, many Christian couples were allowing God to be in control of the size of their families...and, like us, many others had realized their error only after having snatched that control away from Him.

One website that was a wonderful blessing to me at that time was Quiverfull.com. Although I was still struggling with grief and remorse...and though I didn't see how we could ever really make things right...it was such an encouragement to be able to interact with a community of people who truly understood what we were working through.

In fact, it was through Quiverfull that we received a valuable tidbit of information: Even though a vasectomy reversal cost around $10,000.00 at that time (and was virtually never covered by insurance), there were a few godly doctors who considered it their calling--their ministry--to perform this surgery for a fraction of that cost for couples who desired to return their fertility to God's hands.

However, for us, even the modest cost required by one of these doctors was far beyond our budget...plus all of them were far enough away that it would require a flight or a long road trip to get there. More expense. But in the midst of my discouragement, God was merciful, and He provided the means for Jim to fly to San Antonio, Texas to have his vasectomy reversed by Dr. Cary Leverett, a wonderful Christian doctor who truly loves his patients...and his work.

Of course, it shouldn't come as any surprise that satan would try to stand in the way of such a major step in our walk with God, and he didn't disappoint! A problem with Jim's rental car reservation nearly left him stranded at the airport; a straight shot on the map turned out to be a long, difficult walk through a construction zone--post-operation! And meanwhile, at home, I was a mess knowing what he was going through and knowing that I couldn't do anything to help him.

Finally, the whirlwind of air travel and surgery recovery and rental car nightmares settled back into the rhythm of daily life, and I found myself with the time to consider some things that had kind of been lost in the crazy shuffle of the procedure itself. For starters, in a lot of ways, I found myself emotionally right back where I had started when we were trying to get pregnant with Grace: fearful and frustrated. Dr. Leverett--along with any other doctor who performs vasectomy reversals--couldn't guarantee that this grueling process would actually result in a pregnancy. That is God's work alone. Plus, I was troubled by something I had read during my research. Someone had posted that sometimes, part of deciding that you will let God bless you with as many children as He wishes means also accepting as few as He sends. I didn't want to think about that.

Some couples went through the pain and expense of restoring their physical fertility but never had another baby. They had returned to God's will in obedience, and their obedience itself was their blessing. To be embarrassingly honest, that was a possibility that haunted me. I desperately wanted to be faithful...but I also wanted to have another baby! And in the darkest places of my heart, I feared that an unsuccessful reversal was probably a fitting reward for our previous rebellion.

And while I was looking for trouble to borrow, I couldn't help but think about what we would tell people if we DID get pregnant! We hadn't told anyone about the reversal because we really just wanted the decision to be between us and God this time...but I also didn't want to be responsible for anyone's myocardial infarction!

See what happens when I get a little time to think?! Impatient AND neurotic...great combination!

But God is so merciful to His children. Even when we're weak and fearful and doubting, He still loves us, and He desires to give us good gifts. And in December of 2000--just five months after Jim's surgery--we found ourselves playing everyone's favorite game:

We were overjoyed...and humbled. God had chosen to bless us. We had given Him plenty of reasons not to...but He is the God of second chances!

Then we went to the doctor for one of our monthly check-ups...and he couldn't find a heartbeat. Because Jim liked to go with me to my appointments, we were at the clinic at the very end of the day, and the ultrasound tech had already left...so we had to wait until the next morning to have a sonogram.

That night was one of the longest of my life. But just like the night I had spent in the hospital a few years earlier, waiting to join baby Grace in the NICU...just like the panic-stricken drive I would make to where Jamie had been hit by a car a few years later...that night I spent waiting to find out if my unborn baby was still alive was a time of incalculable importance in my relationship with the Lord.

...do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Well, I had actually learned that long before--academically anyway. But I'm not sure I have ever really learned something well until I've had to wrap up in it like a blanket...and all that night, every time the specter of worry tried to haunt me, I would wrap myself up a little tighter.

What if we'd lost this baby? This baby is more precious to God than the birds of the air, and He cares for them! What if we'd lost this baby? Could worrying add even a single hour to a life? What if we'd lost this baby? God is sovereign, and He knows what He's doing.

Early morning found my nauseous self chugging way too much water in preparation for an ultrasound that showed a perfect 13-week baby with a beating heart. And a placenta right in front, blocking the heart tones. Almost funny. Almost.

It is my guess that anyone who has had a reversal baby (because that's what we in the biz call them) has an extra-special story to tell about the birth of that child. I am no different.

Hannah has heard her birth story many times, and she would certainly be the first to tell you that she was my best trip to the delivery room. And it's true! I didn't spend her delivery with my face in an emesis basin...I felt great...she was healthy (a refreshing change of pace after having two babies in a row with breathing problems). She was born during a stretch of beautiful July weather, and from my hospital room, I could watch the tents going up for the circus that came to town that day. It all felt a lot like an extra hug from God.

And every time I looked at my new baby daughter, it was so hard not to cry...so often I just went ahead and let the tears flow. I'm good like that. Only it wasn't the baby blues, and it wasn't just the usual overwhelming joy at getting to join God in the miracle of new life. It was more than that this time. I couldn't look into her eyes without thinking, "This is the child I told God I didn't want."

Maybe that sounds a bit harsh. To some people, it may not make any sense whatsoever. But having gone through the entire process, I couldn't look back at the vasectomy as simple birth control. That sounds so easy...so neat and clean...so vague. It's nothing personal...I'm just taking control of what happens to my own body!

But it was very, very personal...and the person had a name. We named her Hannah after the prophet Samuel's mother: a woman who had pleaded with the Lord to remove the shame of her barrenness...a woman who had faith that her God was able to make a way when the way seemed impossible...a woman whose God was found faithful. Our Hannah Faith Bennett is a person who wouldn't be here if we had never realized the error of our foolishness...or if we had continued to ignore Him when He made His will very, very clear.

To have Hannah is to have a reminder of what we almost lost...and to have a reminder that God is mighty and merciful!

"I am a woman who is deeply troubled... I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

Great story ! As a mom with a quiverful I know the blessings of a large family.

I just wanted to add this word for Gods sovereignty ...

Scripture tells us that it is God alone that opens and closes wombs.. we like to think we are in charge of our family size.. but in truth it is always God.

There are stories of women with no wombs and “tubals” having unexpected babies.. and i know a family that had a vasectomy 10 years earlier welcoming a new son ..yes that DNA tests confirmed was HIS .

To rest in His arms is a blessing to US not to Him :)

This is where I always stumble on the quiverful stuff:

“many Christian couples were allowing God to be in control of the size of their families”

No one allows God anything. He is sovereign and if He wills, you will get pregnant. Birth control or no. I used to work at a CPC, and even met one woman who got pregnant after a tubal ligation.

Of course I met on a monthly basis those pregnant while faithfully using other forms of birth control.

Then there are the many I have known who can’t get pregnant. No matter what they do. I knew one couple who tried for over a decade, then, when they pretty much gave up, had two.

We don’t “let” God do anything.

There is great freedom in being QF! But there is also intense pressure from all fronts to “get fixed” once you get beyond 3 children. I’m sure my mother breathes a sigh of relief every month that goes by that I don’t announce a pregnancy. That makes me a little sad.

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