Posted on 03/11/2011 5:21:14 AM PST by MintyHippo1980
Having reached the half-way point of the Bennett children, we have arrived at an important landmark--one that warrants a brief hiatus between Jamie and Hannah.
Before I take you on a guided tour of those three years of our lives, I feel it is important to issue a few cautions: Please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. This ride may not be suitable for the very old, the very young, or the infirm. This is an exhibition; not a competition. No wagering, please. Management is not responsible for TMI-induced nausea. If you are easily offended by terms such as birth control, quiverfull, and vasovasostomy, you may wish to step through the turnstile to the exit. You will be issued a refund. The thoughts expressed in this blog post absolutely reflect the opinions of the producer, director, and entire creative team.
Still here? Please lift your hands while the safety bar lowers into place...and enjoy your ride!
I never cease to be amazed by God's ability to make something out of nothing. Case in point: creation. Whoa. But even on a much smaller scale, God's power to evoke a change in a simple human life is just staggering. And sometimes almost funny, when I consider all the things I swore I would never do. You know...all the things I called foolish when I filtered them through what the world considers wisdom--the very things God eventually showed me to be His perfect will for my life.
Here's one: Homeschooling. Here's another: We don't do Halloween. Want one more? We don't use birth control.
Yeah...I know. You probably could have done without that information, but it's almost impossible to get a complete picture of God’s work in my life without this important chapter in Bennett lore.
But before I tell you the story, I just want to point out that all three of the items I listed (and those are just a few high points...there are lots, lots more) share one thing in common: Until God showed us that His way was not necessarily the world's way, it never really dawned on us that there was anything wrong with how the world does things.
It never occurred to us that normal people would opt not to send their kids to school or that there was anything wrong with observing Halloween or that God would want to be left in charge of the size of our family. Like so many other things, these revelations came gradually over time. God would show us His will in one area...and just when we joined Him there in obedience (thinking we finally had it all figured out now!), He would shine a light on something else we hadn't considered.
Nothing like living the life of a constant work in progress!
Well...Jamie was born in June of 1998, and I may have mentioned in my previous post that Jamie made five. And that there were only fifteen months between him and Grace. AND that he never slept! Jamie's early months are sort of a blur.
But then, out of the haze of my sleep-deprivation, I became aware that an increasing number of voices were asking me if we had thought about what we were going to do to prevent this from happening again. (As if I'd taken a nasty fall in the tub and needed to throw down a few rubberized daisy stickers.) Some voices flat-out told me that we should consider taking permanent action. And a few went so far as to share their own personal vasectomy "success" stories.
In their defense, I fully believe that the overwhelming majority of the people who encouraged us to sign up for a permanent form of birth control thought they had our best interests at heart. Babies are expensive--emotionally as well as financially. Our house was small. My pregnancies were complicated by gestational diabetes and c-section deliveries.
But, in all honesty, I think it was much simpler than that. I just don't think I knew anyone at that time who knew anyone at that time who had chosen to trust that God knows what He's doing when it comes to family planning.
So we went to a preliminary consultation with the urologist, where the doctor asked me if I was fully on board with the whole vasectomy thing. Frankly, I lied.
I mean...I understood why it was a good, practical, common-sense decision, and I was going to sign for it, but I was hearing a sound in my spirit I had never heard before. It was sort of like when a truck with a bad muffler drives by with the bass cranked on the stereo...and in the distance you hear a siren...and a baby cries...and you feel in your gut like something is really, very wrong, but you can't figure out why you feel that way. It's a hard-to-pin-down and dreadfully unsettling feeling. An inner turmoil. And for some reason, it showed up every time we discussed our plans to render my husband--and, by default, myself--sterile.
And meanwhile, Jim was having his own struggles with the decision. After all, he was the one having to face the surgery! Plus, he was also feeling pressured from several directions. People he had always trusted--people he should be able to trust--were telling him that sterilization was the godly decision. Their counsel just didn't ring true to him, but we were such spiritual infants that we didn't have a good response to the contrary.
On the day of the procedure, we were to stop by the pharmacy and fill a prescription for one valium, which Jim was supposed to take in advance of his appointment. We got it; he popped it; and we walked up to the desk to check in. However, when we spoke to the receptionist, she seemed concerned that he had already taken his pill...she wasn't sure if he could sign the consent if he was "under the influence."
In my spirit, there was a sound like a host of angels singing...and a feeling of overwhelming relief! I had been granted a reprieve...a little more time to try and figure out why I felt so uneasy about this!
But when the receptionist came back from speaking to the doctor, she had the consent form in her hand.
And somewhere far away, or deep inside, someone started weeping...and it built up to a scream. It sounded a lot like me.
In retrospect, I came to realize that what I had been experiencing was the clear ministry of the Holy Spirit, imploring me to listen...and obey.
Fail.
But life went on. We followed God to Fairmont, Minnesota...or, as I like to call it, our spiritual NICU. We found ourselves surrounded on all sides by a church family, a homeschool co-op, and a Christian radio station full of Believers the likes of which we had never met. These were amazing people who truly sought the Lord's will in every facet of their lives! Impossibly impractical...but beautifully fruitful! Perhaps God's wisdom trumps common sense?
At my first homeschool moms' night meeting, I found myself completely drawn in by these wonderful Christian women--women who were whole-heartedly devoting their lives to their Lord, their husbands, and their children. One mom had her tiny baby with her, and as our conversation went on, I lost track of how many children she had mentioned. Finally, I asked Chris how many kids she had, and she replied, "Oh...only six."
Slowly, I realized she probably knew what caused that (a personal favorite of mine)…and that she was having an unreasonably large number of children on purpose! Well, really, that wasn't exactly it either. She and her husband were allowing God to show them how many times He wanted to bless them with a new baby. Whoa.
Over time, as I meditated upon my initial visit with Chris, and as we became friends, I learned much, much more about what God has to say about children. For instance, did you know that God twice issued a command to be fruitful and multiply--once to Adam and Eve, and once to Noah's family--and that command was never rescinded in the Old or the New Testament? I didn't either. Or that, in scripture, children are described as a blessing from God--not a burden:
Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127:3-5 (NIV)
Yeah...it came as a surprise to me too. Only not really, I guess. As I learned more, it became painfully clear to me that the quiet but insistent urging of the Spirit leading up to Jim's vasectomy was God's attempt to call me into obedience before I made an error I would regret bitterly. I think I probably knew that all along...but, boy...the voices of the world are so loud!
Here's something you kind of need to understand about me. At that point in my life (30-ish), I had simply never been a depressed person. I wasn't prone to periods of melancholy, extended funks, blank-eyed fugues...none of that. Even my post-partum depressions only lasted about 45 minutes.
But as it became clearer and clearer to me that I had willfully chosen to ignore God's direction in my life...as I gradually realized that I had closed a door on one of His wonderful avenues of blessing...as I thought about the babies we might have had...I fell into a sadness like I'd never known.
And I carried it around for a long time without sharing it with anyone--not even Jim. By then, it hurt so much just knowing what I knew that I couldn't even imagine saying the words. And I didn't want my dear husband to have to suffer with it too! Plus, I knew how he would respond: He would want to fix it somehow. That's just how he rolls.
But, see...I had already looked into that in my research, and a vasectomy reversal (or vasovasostomy, if you'd like to impress people with your smartitude at dinner parties!) was nothing I would want to put him through. It was a moot point anyway, because at $10,000.00, it was utterly out of the financial question.
Still, one day we walked Grace and Jamie to a nearby park, and while they played, the two of us were semi-alone. As we talked, I was just overcome by grief, and I knew I couldn't bear up under it alone anymore...and I completely broke down and told him everything: The sense of warning I had experienced before the vasectomy...all I had learned in my Bible study...the truth that God had revealed to me...my mourning over an irreparable error. And the beautiful children we had rejected.
I was quite a spectacle. And imagine poor Jim! I had spent months working myself up into this frenzy, and then I dumped it on him in one barely-sensical freak-out! At the park, no less!
The man puts up with a lot.
And no surprise...he responded exactly as I had known he would: with an assurance that we would make this right.
But I sure didn't see how.
Until tomorrow... Blessings! Missy
Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born I set you apart...
Jeremiah 1:5a
Our “reversal baby” is now 7 months old :).
biggest congrats!
We’ve “talked” before, right?
Our families were both in Branson for the same conference in ‘08.
Yes...your “name” is easy for me to remember b/c that’s what many of my Dad’s students called him ;-).
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