Posted on 09/13/2010 1:27:22 PM PDT by big black dog
Pronto Pizza – La Serena, Chile
This creator of this restaurant should be thrown in jail. You’re looking at a picture of what should be called The Hawaiian Bastard.
It arrived half-cooked. I had to dig through a thicket of shredded ham, pineapple and –yes – cherries before finding a bite that seemed reasonable.
Imagine if candy was made out of ham. No, don’t imagine it as delicious. Imagine it as foul! That’s what this pizza tasted like. With additional pieces of uncooked, shredded, part-skim mozzarella.
Oh, and let’s discuss the concept of cherries on pizza: No. End of discussion.
Buenos Aires, Argentina
For the most part, don’t even bother with pizza in Buenos Aires. It’s about the most disgusting thing ever cooked in a country full of things that are perfectly cooked. Get thee to a meatery and skip this nonsense.
Don’t believe me? Witness big goops of cheese that taste like year-old butter. Add Oregano to cover the sweating fromage, which overpowers any hope for a cohesive taste. Toss on green olives the size of human testicles, just to make the whole thing seem even less palatable than…testicles.
The cheese is the problem here – somehow the Argentines know what to do with the meaty part of the cow but they have no idea what to do with the milky part. It sweats as if masturbating, defending a pie of oozy things that can’t be wiped up with a paper towel (it adheres to the slop and only makes it worse).
If you must eat a pizza in Buenos Aires, I highly recommend that you eat out. Anything delivered will arrive on one side of the box, looking more like a swollen eye than a pizza pie.
San Marco S.R.L., Piazza San Marco, Florence, Italy
It’s one of those In Theory pizzas, kind of like the crazy-combo pies that chains launch and pull before the coupon hits your mailbox. Yes, this is a French Fry Pizza.
What it amounts to is a pile of potatoes cooked in greasy cheese and pizza dough. It doesn’t work – not in the least. I watched another tourist give it a go and she couldn’t figure it out either. She squiggled a little ketcup onto her piece, took a bite, then threw it in the garbage. I assume that she pointed her hunger towards McDonalds shortly thereafter.
Please, put this miserable, suffering beast of a pizza down.
Suba Galaxy Hotel, Mumbai, India
A foul, atrocious pizza awaits anyone staying at The Suba Galaxy.
I broke budget in order to stay in a soundproofed room that blocked out Mumbai’s consistent howl. My stomach growled for something familiar and eventually I gave into the most primal of urges: Room Servive. The tray arrived, the lid came off and I could have cried. This was not my beautiful house. This was not my beautiful wife.
I implore you. DO NOT EVER put onions inside of a pizza, especially ripe and uncooked offenders. I’d also like to suggest that feta doesn’t work in this context and that mystery greens are not generally acceptable in any form.
This pizza was devious, deceptive and evil.
Italian Pizza, Lonely Beach, Koh Chang, Thailand
You’re thinking that it doesn’t look too bad, this one. This is only because you’ve seen the above pizza pictures. It’s relative, sir/mam. Look at it again. It’s awful!
The first thing that most Thai pizza-makers do is start with a pre-made base, kind of like you’d find in aisle six of Stop & Shop. Many times, they’ll take just about any kind of jarred tomato sauce (I’ve seen Ragu) and add it to cheese that tastes a bit of dirty socks and coriander. The pizza pictured is a fine example.
Yes – It serves us Falang tourists right for ordering pizza in Thailand. Yes – we should know better and just order the Pad Thai like every other backpacker. But no, we can’t resist the promise of a real pizza.
It’s the ladyboy of the food world – we know it’s not real but by-gosh, we’re going in anyway.
Wow that looks so good! no Tomato Paste! (no late night heart burn) To get that baked crisp bottom normally requires heat not available with our normal ovens ... but pre cooking the the crust 1/2 way then broiling that bad boy ...
I need to go check my pantry... night time old man hunger pangs
Needs more Onions ! (I love Onions!) but yours was looking so fine cause I really love fresh (red / yellow /white) onions on top of cooked (two different textures and tastes)
Tomato paste gives me heartburn and Onions for some reason doesn’t (weird as it may seem)
TT
One request ... how do you make potato Pizza (short of asking Dan Quail) ? Next to Onions, Potatoes are my next favorite food (that grows in the ground)
TT
Whoa, that pizza is totally racist.
Do the potatoes make the crust? I have this picture in my head of lifting the top skin of browned cheese and potatoes from a scalloped potato casserole and laying it on an olive oil lubed pizza pan then adding toppings and shoving it back in the oven... of course I’d top the casserole again and re-bake it as well. (Mac and Cheese Casserole would work as well)
(but I’m weird and cook infrequently)
TT
Bake the scalloped taters in there.
Fry italian greens in olive oil, garlic and red pepper flakes
Then layer that stuff on the dough.
more romano and onions on top. Maybe some sweet peppers.
Pure comfort food. a real rustic bit of ♥
No the taters go on the dough.
not sure how they keep it from getting soggy.
I will ask and report back.
see? I agree...you cant find a bad pie in goombaland.
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