Posted on 05/28/2009 4:51:23 PM PDT by NorseWood
I am heavily concerned about an expanding social phenomenon that is rolling across our country. We are faced with a national crisis that demands the focus and commitment of every citizen of our country. Trying to cover up the issue, or just ignoring it, will only inflate the problem. Although there have been countless studies, reports, and broadcast hours dedicated to the problem, I have finally been able to digest the issue and have just been able to get my arms around the solution. Lying awake late at night pondering this issue, I realized the answer. It came to me like a flash of light! Former Vice President Al Gore’s leadership in the global warming movement inspired the solution.
To put it bluntly, Americans are just not getting enough exercise to keep their body weight in balance. We have allowed our eating habits to not only put ourselves in danger, but countless generations to follow. We have tipped the scale of responsible care for our planet’s ecosystem and food chain. For many of us, our lifestyles and daily schedules prevent us from getting the proper exercise. Why should we feel guilty that we are endangering the health of our grandchildren’s grandchildren?
Mr. Gore’s brilliant mind has inspired me to see the answer to this ever-expanding problem! I am forming a non-profit organization to sell calorie credits. It is simple. Through my organization, when you have over-indulged at the dinner table or skipped your regular workout, you can purchase exercise credits. You won’t have to stay awake at night worrying about the harm you have caused mother earth. I have a group of participants who have physically demanding careers. They collectively burn up large quantities of calories every day. But why should all their hard work and exercise go to waste? I have arranged for them to trade to you credit for their excessive abundance of burned calories to offset your surplus build-up of calories that you are accumulating. It is a no-lose solution. You will no longer have to be burdened by a sense of guilt for over-eating, and it offers those individuals who burn excessive calories in their work or recreation the satisfaction of contributing to the balance of our national diet. I have arranged for you to purchase these calorie credits from such groups as the New England Patriots, or from Farmer Brown, working in his strawberry fields.
My organization will be reaching out to every classroom across the country, teaching our children how calorie credits can save our nation and our world from irreparable disaster. If Johnnie wants a double burger for lunch, he can buy a calorie coupon with his meal, and can be happy knowing that some else has already burned up the calories for him.
On a selected day each year, all the children will march to show their parents how calories can be burned off. If they don’t meet their quotas, they can just purchase credits to assuage their shortfall.
The program is so simple and logical, I am going to present it to the United Nations next week so that it can be pursued on an international level. Think what a great source of income this would be for the poor third-world countries! In preparation for your Super Bowl party you could purchase calories credits from Juan Valdez on his coffee plantation.
Oh yes! I nearly forgot! My organization is named “Indulge Yourself”. The calorie credit coupons, to stay in keeping with our marketing profile, are called indulgences. I am accepting checks as of today.
Oh, I have already purchased tons of calorie credits along with alcohol credits & excersize credits for when I not in the mood to go to the gym.
I’m going to steal mine.
I am selling my carb credits for 50 cents on the dollar on ebay.
Maybe Al Gore will buy them.
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