Posted on 03/20/2020 5:32:56 AM PDT by Colonial35
A man is fast asleep when the doorbell rings at 2am. His wife shakes him awake and tells him someone’s at the door. He goes to the door as the ringing persists and opens it to find a small gentleman leaning against the door jam, reeking of whiskey, and barely awake. “What do you want?” he asks the stranger. “I need a push.” “Go sleep it off, you drunk”, and closes the door. The doorbell rings immediately and he opens it again. “I just need a push.” “No. Go sleep it off or I’ll call a cop.” He slams the door and hears the doorbell again as he heads down the hall. He hears the drunk shouting “I only need a push to get started!” As he gets in bed his wife asks, “Who was it>” “Some drunk wants help.” “Well, remember that time our car broke down and we had to wake some farmer to help us? Be like him and go help the man.” SO the guy grumbles, dresses quickly and heads down the hall and out the door. He walks to the road and looks up and down, no one there. “Where are you?” he shouts. And a reply comes from the side of the house... “Back here... on your swing!”
OFST
From Lucky9teen | 04/06/2017 2:48:05 PM PDT read
I regret to inform you that tomorrow will be the last day I’ll be doing the OFST thread.
I have asked for someone else to take over, and so far there have been no takers. I hate to let the thread just die, but responses are minimal and I just don’t have time to maintain it every week.
If you want to be the host going forward, please FReep me a message and I’ll be happy to send you my Ping list.
Thank you,
Lucky
Thank you for restarting this thread.
Government researchers recently found about 200 dead crows near Boston, MA, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed that the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu to everyone’s relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by impact with a car.
Finding this rather curious, the researchers hired an Ornithological Behaviorist at Boston College to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills. The behaviorist determined:
When Boston crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah, but could not say “Truck.”
I think my jokes would get me banned until I was too old to chew.
Thanks for the chuckle.
What do you call dp0622 without any teeth?
A Gummy Bear
A man driving through the countryside notices a 3-legged pig in a barnyard. The farmer is working alongside the road, so the man stops to chat.
“Wow, a 3-legged pig. What happened?”
“Oh, that’s a very special pig” the farmer replies.
“How’d it lose the leg?”
“Well, let me tell you about that pig. One night I was sound asleep and that pig knocked down the front door, climbed the stairs to our bedroom and pulled me out of bed. The barn was on fire. I ran down, and with the pig’s help, was able to free the animals from their stables before the whole thing burned down.”
“That’s amazing! The pig lost it’s leg in the fire then?”
“No, no. And another time, I was working the combine, and my pant leg got caught. The machine almost pulled me in before the pig grabbed me by the back of my overalls and pulled me free.”
“Holy cow! That’s incredible! So the pig lost its leg in the combine?”
“No, no...”
“Well how DID the pig lose it’s leg?”
“Well... a special pig like that, you don’t eat all at once.”
lol
Well unfortunately, being from this sick city, bear has several meanings, one of which is disgusting.
But I dont swing that way :)
HAHA! You’ve got to respect that.
LOL! I’m so happy to see this thread again.
I start coronacation tomorrow. Maybe this will be my “beachside” drink. I plan to sit on my porch and drink cocktails with beach and mountain scenes on my iPad.
My Wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
There is an island in the south Pacific where it appears that the animal inhabitants live forever. It’s actually not one island, but two mountains that rise out of the ocean. The two mountains are connected by a rope bridge.
A group of scientists traveled to the island to conduct experiments to determine the secret to long life. The animal in the region that was the closest to man were porpoises. After further study, they came to belief that the porpoises lived long healthy lives because of their diet. Specifically, the scientists tracked down the item in their diet to a type of sea gull that lived on the island.
To have a proper experiment and to control the diet, every day the scientists would gather some of these unique sea gulls, cross over the rope bridge, and feed them to the porpoises.
One day, as they began to cross the rope bridge, they discovered a lion asleep in the middle of the bridge. The lion was wearing a Kansas State University sweatshirt.
The scientists were determined to carry out their experiment, so they attempted to tip toe past the sleeping lion without waking him. They failed. The lion woke up and ate them.
So the moral of the story is to never, ever attempt to transport gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.
I wonder if that will be the hit costume for Halloween this year.
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