Swerve. And anything else with Yoko in it.
Posted on 12/03/2017 10:56:19 AM PST by Simon Green
Christmas is the best. It is, after all, the most wonderful time of the year. While I stand by my decision to start Christmas carols in October, I accept that some of them are just terrible.
Here are five Christmas carols that need to not exist, in descending order.
5. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?'
Ostensibly about Christmas, this is really just a thinly veiled smarmfest by charity group Band Aid. The premise of the song is that people in need may not know it’s Christmas, because they…well, I’m not sure why they wouldn’t know it’s Christmas. That’s the insulting part. These people are without many things, but they don’t lack awareness.
The song is in five parts. The first is about how nice your Christmas will be, followed by a sucker punch that assumes you never think of other people (also insulting) but maybe you should try it for once, you selfish jerk. Then comes the melodrama of overwrought lines such as “Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears” or “And the Christmas bells that ring there. Are the clanging chimes of doom. Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” Because you’re a bad person who wishes ill upon others, you see.
Next, we have the question of whether the people in Africa know that it’s Christmas because, as the lyricist appears to think, Christmas is all about the stuff. There’s no mention of Jesus, just stuff and, without said stuff, how are they to know? The final part, in case the rest of the song wasn’t heavy-handed enough, exhorts the listener to “feed the world.” Just in case you’ve forgotten what a terrible person you are in the 30 seconds since you were last reminded.
Smug, smarmy, and self-congratulatory. It’s the anti-Christmas trifecta, but somehow still less annoying than…
4. ‘Last Christmas’
The refrain goes: “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but, the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.” Let’s unpack that, because all I have is questions.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Okay, that makes sense.
But, the very next day, you gave it away.
Can a heart be regifted? How, exactly, does that work?
This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.
Is this a Christmas tradition of which I am unaware? Does one need to give one’s heart every Christmas? That aside, was last year’s recipient not special? Because, that might have been why that didn’t work out.
This is a terrible song. Why does it exist? Why does it get so much air time? The only redeeming quality is that it isn’t a truly horrible message for children, like…
3. ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’
This is essentially a song about a kid (Rudolph) who is ostracized for being different until the cool kid (Santa) accepts him, so the rest follow along. Basically, it’s like “Mean Girls” with anthropomorphic animals except, in the TV special, even his parents are jerks to him for being different. It’s a terrible message, and I’m not sure why we’re still singing about it.
This song has a terrible message, but at least it doesn’t fail at the Bible like…
2. ‘Mary, Did You Know?’
Yes, she knew. She obviously knew. For a song that’s trying to be biblical, you really don’t know much about the Bible. Between Gabriel and Isaiah, she definitely knew. Thanks for checking.
Perhaps the only positive thing to say about “Mary, Did you Know” is that it isn’t the absolute worst Christmas song in the word, a dubious honor that goes to…
1. ‘The Christmas Shoes’
This is a hot mess of a song. When it comes on, the only reasonable thing to do is to turn off whatever device is playing, smash it, burn the pieces, scatter the ashes, and salt the earth so nothing will ever grow there again.
What in the world is happening in this song? If you’re lucky enough to have never heard this song, it’s about an incident that takes place on Christmas Eve. A boy’s mom is dying, so he buys her a new pair of shoes so she will look pretty when she meets Jesus.
Okay, what?
His mom is very close to dying (the song indicates she might die that very night), so he goes out shopping instead of spending the time with her? Where is his dad, who should have told him his mom didn’t really need special dying shoes but would probably like to spend time with her son? Did he drive the kid there? Did the kid sneak out? What is going on? The kid seems to understand something about death and Jesus, but it seems that everyone failed to mention that Saint Peter wouldn’t really be checking out her footwear at the pearly gates.
On top of all that, it isn’t even a good song, and it isn’t sung well. There are no redeeming qualities to this song. It is the worst of all Christmas songs and, potentially, the worst of all songs that have ever been known to man since time immemorial.
yeah “unpack” just makes me cringe
As per the film adaptation, yes (just looked it up).
Whew. That's a load off my mind....
It's actually an older blues song first recorded in 1947. Besides Chuck Berry, it's been covered by Elvis, B.B. King, Otis Reddding, Bruce Springsteen and many others.
I’ve heard a couple of versions of a guy singing “Santa Baby”. It’s beyond creepy.
Swerve. And anything else with Yoko in it.
I’ve never heard any of those songs (that I know of), except for Rudolf.
And I always thought that Rudolf had a positive message—be kind to those who are different. In this age of rampant school bullying, that is a message that needs to be shared a little more often.
Do they know it’s christmas:
Excellent review. It’s all about hierarchy. You the listener are the world’s worst, enjoying your holiday when others are starving somewhere. The poor starving non Christians who surely don’t know the holiday and, of course, are in the last stages of starvation, are clearly higher up on the plane of good people than you are, you selfish piece of crap. Buy my music out of guilt and MAYBE ONE DAY you can come to the highest point of human hierarchy, ME. BONO. SITTING AT THE TIP BECAUSE I WROTE THIS PIECE OF CRAP SO I AM THEREFORE BETTER THAN THE POOR OR THE RICH BECAUSE I AM HELPING. See how that works?
Last Christmas:
How can you analyze the love triangle lyrics at all when sung by a guy who passed his d*** through holes in the park bathroom stall multiple times a night?
So I’ll just like the tune on this one.
I too have always liked “The Little Drummer Boy”. I’ve never understood the resistance to it.
OMG dittos.
And like the premise of that song ever happened.
(get outta here kid...ya bother me)
‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’
It didn’t age well. Liberals singing about poor people in Africa who are probably Muslim. Should be:
‘Do They Know It’s Winter Holiday?’
I will not hear a word said against “Snoopy’s Christmas.”
Rudolph:
Disagree. Sorry, I love the song and I love the message. It’s about IDIOT KIDS being bullies and finally realizing we all have gifts, even if we are different. So there.
(And in the claymation documentary about this song, we see Santa is not a cool kid at all. He’s a total a-hole, worse than the kids, because he is hundreds of years old and should have known better. He comes crawling at the end because he needs Rudolph.)
Besides, in the song Mary is really a metaphor for everyman. WE are the ones being informed of the real identity of the baby boy. It isn’t being directed to Mary but to us.
So, I think it’s an excellent song.
You are right, I love the song!
When we have in service (AKA....torture days) days an education consultant uses the word unpack. “We are going to unpack this sentence, paragraph, etc.” She is also cruel & verbally abusive to us lowly teachers. When she uses unpack I fantasize about ripping out her vocal cords.
Another hated phrase, “Wears many hats.” Why do these people exist????
Except they were not "non-Christians" but Christian and the reason they were starving was because a Soviet supported war was devastating their country.
All the food and equipment sent in by that fund raiser went to the Communists and never reached the people they were supposedly helping.
Most of my family despises “I Wanna Hippopotamus For Christmas” but I tear up when it comes on. One of my sons did a baby gymnastics routine with his class at about age 2 or 3 to it. I picture those cute little guys rolling and dancing to it under the clear view of the coach prompting them and I get all torn up. To die for cute.
For some reason, I get the “creeps” when Burl Ives sings “Kiss her once for me!”.
As long as we keep ‘Walking’ Round in Womans Underwear’ I’ll be happy.
Lowell, is that you?
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