Posted on 07/15/2017 5:51:54 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think
we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass.
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills,
Stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”Oh no", the patient replied,
“I'm just a sh***y golfer.
Reminds me of my daughter’s story about golfing with feral chickens on Guam.
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ‘’Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.’’
‘’I still don’t get it’’ responded the Little Johnny.
‘’Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,’’ said the dad.
‘’Okay then...good night’’ said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ‘’OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!’’
The lawyer jumps out and begins to scream at the driver of the Chevy as he speeds away, "Look what you did to my car, you *%&^$@^!!! A policeman runs up and says, "I saw what happened! Are you okay?!?" The lawyer says, "Yes! I'm fine! But look at my car!!! That idiot just ruined my $100,000 car!!! The policeman replies, "No, but are you okay??? Maybe you haven't noticed, but your left arm is missing!"
The lawyer looks down where his left arm used to be and exclaims, "Oh my God! My Rolex!".
I see we are getting stand-up comedy right away this morning.
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Ok, you win!!!
LOL—literally!
C’mon, my folks are from Alabama, and I’m from Virginia — Alabamians don’t use “a-gonna”...that’s those Kentucky hillbillies.
;)
A Kentucky man is in a boat on the Ohio river fishing when he sees a leak in the boat. The water rushes in too fast for him bail out and he yells for help. A man on the Indiana side of the river hears his urgent calls for help. The sun is going down and the Indiana man pulls a flashlight from his pocket. He yells to the Kentucky man and tells him that he will turn on the flashlight and the Kentucky man should climb on the beam and walk over to safety. The Kentucky man replies, “You must think that I’m a real dummy. I’ll get half way there and you’ll turn it off.”
"Now", she asked, "what do think the farmer said when he heard this idea?"
The first to raise his hand was Caruso the redheaded bully who answered, "Well I'll be damned. A talking pig!"
Ping
You give him a magic show with tigers.
Two Polish hunters are in the woods (yes, it’s a Polish joke) and having no luck together they decide to separate to see if they can find some deer. One tells the other to fire three shots in the air if he gets lost. That is exactly what happens and it takes three days for search teams to find the lost hunter. When asked why he didn’t fire three shot into the air in order to be found he replied “I only have two arrows left”!
2 farmers meet at a crossroads in the fields one morning:
“Good morning Cyrus”
‘Good morning Ephraim, how are you?’
“Good, good... But I have problems with the crops.
The children, they park their cars in the corn fields, they throw out beer cans, chewing gum wrappers, condoms..they are ruing the crops! *sigh* how’s your wheat?”
‘F***ed Flat!’
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him where it is again or I’ll kill him!” The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Baddah Bah Bomp Tsssh!
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