Posted on 06/25/2017 11:29:11 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons? A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed? A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age? A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination? A... That be the farmer in CA that does it to the bull instead of the cow,,,,
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)? A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf )
Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A.. Nearby
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section' A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
AND THE BEST IS LAST:
Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)
Subject: Is it coming to THIS...?
Hello! Is this Gordon’s pizza?
No sir it’s Google’s pizza.
So it’s a wrong number?
No sir, Google bought it.
OK. Take my order please.
Yes sir, do you want the usual?
The usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust
OK! That’s it.
May I suggest to you that instead you have ricotta, arugula and dry tomato?
No, I hate vegetables
But your cholesterol is not good
How do you know?
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
But I do not want that pizza; I already take medicine.
You have not taken the medicine regularly; 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
I bought more from another drugstore.
It’s not showing on your credit card.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
This is not showing as per you last tax form ...unless you got it from undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, Whats App. I’m going to an Island where there’s no internet, no cell phones and no one to spy on me.
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago..
It gets worse. Now that all of our appliances are one in the Internet Of Things, I think my terlit has been spying on me.
Best response EVAH!!!! That was funny and very clevah;)
saved
closer than you think.
That is “whistling past the graveyard” humor :)
I am reminded of the medicine cabinet in THX-1138.
****These kids inherit our our future!****
As a geezer, I am so thankful for having lived my younger days in a blessed era. Many young men made the ultimate sacrifice to save my freedoms. Praying that President Trump can deliver a brighter future for my grandchildren than the track we have been on since President Reagan left office.
God bless
Dittos and bump! So glad to have grown up when the USA was the greatest place on earth. Now? Meh. Don’t get me started.
Speaking of 18 year olds, have you tried talking to one recently? Rush says their heads are full of mush. That’s way too complementary for me. Rather, their heads are full of fluff. They know lots of stuff. Unfortunately the stuff has no lasting value.
Some days I count my blessings that I’m old.
At least it wasn’t in cursive.
Daddy Long Legs, a Texas Story
A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.
‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.
‘A Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.
‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, ‘No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs’
‘The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat. ‘Well”, she said, “that may be OK in California, but we’re not having any of that shit in Texas.”
Some days I count my blessings that I’m old.
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It sure beats the alternative.
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