Posted on 12/12/2016 7:30:36 AM PST by pabianice
It was like any other Friday night surrounded by my friends. We were drinking, playing games and enjoying each other’s company. One of my friends, “Debra”, was there, who uses they/them pronouns and identifies as a lesbian. We’ve gotten to know each other over the past year through mutual friend groups. We were flirting throughout the night, and once everyone left, we started to hook up. Things were going well, I thought, but we stopped. I then saw something was wrong, but never expected them to say, “Don’t ever take advantage of me again.”
I apologized and panicked because I didn’t know I took advantage of them. This had never happened to me before. I walked home feeling awful and overwhelmed by my thoughts. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I didn’t know, and that was my problem. It showed me firsthand how rape culture (a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women) was firmly ingrained in my masculinity. In other words, the way that I and other men were taught to perform our sexuality was violent and normalized.
At first, I got defensive. “Physical consent was established,” I thought, but somewhere along the way consent was lost. I reached out to Debra a few days later to gain an understanding of how I hurt them. They said they first wanted to hook up, but didn’t after we started. Once our conversation ended, I wondered why they didn’t say “no” or “stop” or “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I found myself blaming them rather than holding myself responsible. And what if they tried, and I didn’t know? I was acting like the men “who are performing equality so strongly that they don’t practice justice; who expect you to speak up, but who never ask.”
Ashamed, I had a lot of trouble reaching out to my friends for support. I feared that they would either dismiss what I told them by calling Debra “crazy” or refusing to engage with me for being problematic. It was very clear to me how we, as men, fear being vulnerable and channel that fear to dehumanize people with labels like “crazy”, “irrational” or “bitch.” Eventually I opened up and to my surprise was met with a lot of understanding and empathy. It was liberating because it made me realize how little compassion I had for myself. I wasn’t judged for my actions, but my friends told me where I was wrong and what I could do to hold myself accountable.
I want to use my experience to inspire other men to communicate. Not only with our partners, but with ourselves and each other. It was my miscommunication that cost me a friendship, but once I shared with my friends what happened I learned what I could do better next time.
Men, consent should always be vocalized because physical cues are hard to interpret and even harder when you’re drunk. Communication isn’t clear if both parties are intoxicated, and a lack of no is not a yes. Check in with your partner as things are getting physical and open lines of communication, especially when alcohol is involved. Establishing this comfort allows your partner to feel safer speaking up and saying “no.”
When women are being attacked for rejecting men, it shouldn’t be surprising why this fear is valid. Sexuality can be fluid, but I made the mistake to assume that everything that was happening was okay or that my partner would speak up if I was out of line. Check in with someone if they’re questioning their sexuality. They may believe they want to hook up, but could feel differently once things get intimate.
Rape culture needs to be addressed within our communities, in our friend groups and with our fathers, especially when we have an accused rapist becoming the president of the United States. Especially when masculinity is toxic and fragile. Men should talk with one another when we’re confused, ashamed or scared. We are drowning in the false notions of what it means to be a man and I don’t want to drown anymore. We shouldn’t rely on the emotional labor of women or non-binary to validate us, but rather be more sensitive with one another. We should learn together and work toward our liberation. We should help each other by engaging in more critical dialogues and leaning into this discomfort together.
Alisina Saee-Nazari is a Collegian contributor and can be reached at asaeenazari@umass.edu.
What a total load of excrement.
So this “masculine” person hangs out with lesbians?
Ah, she found out your real bank balance halfway through. I hate when that happens. :)
Pure BS and lies.
If the pronoun he and she are sexist and every individual should be they or them, then the pronoun me is sexist and we should only refer to ourselves (even in the singular) as we.
In other words, individual pronouns themselves are the problem, and everyone should always be referred to collectively.
(Actually predicted in a short story by Ayn Rand.)
rape is inherent in islamic culture.....
If you wait until you are married to have sex, this is not an issue. You have both given consent at the marriage ceremony.
Where was this snowflake during the Clinton administration? Liberals blamed Monica for the entire affair.
So, it was them? Maybe she didn’t like the threesome thing.
Alisina Saee-Nazari
What is this thing, I wonder?
Certainly not a man. haha
“They’re” crazy.
It was like any other Friday night surrounded by my friends. We were drinking, playing games and enjoying each other’s company. One of my friends, “Debra”, was there, who uses they/them pronouns and identifies as a lesbian. We’ve gotten to know each other over the past year through mutual friend groups. We were flirting throughout the night, and once everyone left, we started to hook up.”
Wait...the author is male and was “hooking up” with a lesbian?
Or the author is a lesbian “hooking up” with another lesbian, but playing the part of the “male”?
Times are confusing.
Useless, not worth reading.
tl;dr
It’s not that hard. A woman agrees or doesn’t. Anything in between and you’re starting down the rocky road as there are just as many unscrupulous or misguided women as there are men.
Today’s college males know little to nothing about what constitutes true masculinity.
That's because she is. Absolutely bat-guano nuts, out of her mind, whacko, looney, 'roo loose in her paddock. And you? You're a wuss, a pansy, and a damfool.
Is this The Onion?
The leftists threw out traditional morality for anything goes secularism. Every woman is either just a ‘swipe right’ or a ‘swipe left’ for a night or 2. They reap what they sow
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