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I Don't Want To Be The Breadwinner In My Marriage Anymore! [Hypergamy Genetics Wins Again]
NPR ^ | December 3, 2016 | Staff

Posted on 12/05/2016 10:12:16 AM PST by C19fan

Dear Sugars,

My husband has a life that many people who are "rule-followers," like me, would envy. When I first met him, it was undeniably a passionate love affair. I'd never dated anyone or known anyone like him before. He took risks, lived all over the world, had many passions and has been a loyal friend. He's seven years older than I am, and we met at work, where his power and seniority at the office was insanely attractive to me. The year we got married, he wanted to take a risk and go back to graduate school to find his dream job. I trusted his judgment, and between his savings, my new job, and some sacrifices, we comfortably lived while he went through two years of graduate school. My husband now has his dream job. I'm proud of everything he's accomplished and what we were able to do together to make it happen.

Over the past four years, my career has skyrocketed in ways I never could have dreamed of. I've broken through the hypothetical glass ceiling in a male-dominated industry. I am a huge believer in women in the workplace and always will be. If they become the breadwinners in marriage, more power to them.

Now herein lies my problem — I became the breadwinner in an extreme way. I committed to supporting us for two years, but we're going on four now, and it will likely be five. Our income divide is so extreme that I pay for 90 percent of our living expenses. What I've found is I can't live this girl-power lifestyle that I believe in.

(Excerpt) Read more at npr.org ...


TOPICS: Science; Society
KEYWORDS: marriage; women
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To: AppyPappy
I pay for 90 percent of our living expenses

...and there's the problem.

My lovely wife and I have three buckets. "Our Money", which is by necessity the largest bucket, "Her Money" and "My Money".

Everything that it takes to run a family from food to housing to retirement to...whatever...comes out of the "Our Money" bucket. Doesn't matter who put what in, we both contribute what needs to be contributed.

My money, is mine. If I choose to buy a loud, fast and noisy toy, my wife - other than giving me a "boys will be boys" eyeroll - could care less. Ditto if she wants to buy her umpty-hundreth pair of shoes, it's her money and she should buy what she wants.

We've not had a cross word about money in nearly 20 years, through thick and thin. 'Tis one of the smartest things that we've ever done.

I think the author sounds pretty self-centered and nasty. However, her husband is pretty irresponsible to take a job that required a 75% long term pay cut as well, and just expected her to shoulder the load. No wonder there's some strain, there.

61 posted on 12/05/2016 11:15:20 AM PST by wbill
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To: C19fan
"we met at work"

There's a problem right there.
62 posted on 12/05/2016 11:20:54 AM PST by Organic Panic (Gentrification in America. Rich White Man Evicts Poor Black Family - MSNBCPBSCNNNYTABC)
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To: poinq
My lovely wife solved that problem by working part-time a couple of nights a week. That let me get some quality time in with WBill Jr, and let her have adult conversations with other adults.

Made her a little walking around money, too, which is always nice to have.

You're right - most days for her were pretty good. Though, some evenings I came home, she handed me WBill Jr, and was out the door before I took my coat off. :-) Not every day with small kids is paradise.

63 posted on 12/05/2016 11:21:40 AM PST by wbill
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To: C19fan
When I first met him, it was undeniably a passionate love affair. I'd never dated anyone or known anyone like him before.

LOL. For all you young girls out there who fantasize about having a passionate "romance" with a "bad boy," this will be you -- b*tching and moaning about him once the magic has worn off.

64 posted on 12/05/2016 11:23:07 AM PST by Opinionated Blowhard ("When the people find they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.")
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To: wbill

You CAN’T have it all. It’s best to accept that and move on with life. I’ll never have my own G650, a Tiffany lamp, or own a Unimog. I’m over it now.


65 posted on 12/05/2016 11:25:16 AM PST by Organic Panic (Gentrification in America. Rich White Man Evicts Poor Black Family - MSNBCPBSCNNNYTABC)
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To: Bigg Red
Carrying for one’s own baby is not being “trapped”.

66 posted on 12/05/2016 11:27:09 AM PST by Organic Panic (Gentrification in America. Rich White Man Evicts Poor Black Family - MSNBCPBSCNNNYTABC)
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To: Organic Panic
You CAN’T have it all ...because if you had it ALL, where would you put it? :-)

I just had this conversation with WBill Jr.

Him: "Wouldn't it be great to have a Billion Dollars??".

Me: "Meh. People who have a billion dollars have problems, too. They're just different problems."

I'd bet that the author of this article (and her husband) are likely far, far better off than I am. This article is proof positive, sez me.

67 posted on 12/05/2016 11:32:30 AM PST by wbill
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To: Bigg Red

>>>That is such a load of nonsense. Often stated by guys who can’t get a date because 1) they have not bothered to try to make themselves interesting, and 2) they will look only at women who are “out of their league”.<<<

According to this survey done by an online dating site, 80% of men were rated as below average in looks. I imagine most of those guys in the 80% only posted the most flattering pictures of themselves. And if your best isn’t good enough, oh my.

https://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/

And FWIW the average boomer is estimated to have 11 sex partners in their lives, 10 for gen X and forecast down to 8 for millennials.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/05/06/why-millennials-have-sex-with-fewer-partners-than-their-parents-did/?utm_term=.c2e72b88e4e0

So what decent man wants a woman who sleeps around you ask. Well how many hot women are actually single and not sleeping around? My guess is the older the guy, the fewer such women are available to him. And in my case, at age 40 when I was dating for a 2nd time, I’d say that number was extremely low. Just saying.


68 posted on 12/05/2016 11:36:39 AM PST by BJ1
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To: Responsibility2nd

She should start having babies.
__________________________________

So sad that we don’t raise girls to think motherhood and childrearing are beautiful and far more valuable than a paycheck.


69 posted on 12/05/2016 11:37:10 AM PST by greatvikingone
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To: Robert DeLong

I am imagining that the previous job was either an expat petroleum, mining, or financial services related position and the current one is a non-profit or a ‘regular’ US based position. She said he worked overseas and at high salary. Graduate school was probably an MBA or a JD so that he could BE WITH HER IN THE USA. What she doesn’t get is a lot of the expat jobs would mean he was away 9 months of the year from her while her career remained in the USA. It was more than likely to make her happy and she doesn’t get it! SELFISH WOMAN! He sacrificed his career for hers and she doesn’t even recognize it. It’s also more than likely her luck is chance and it could easily be reversed. There’s a recession and he’s taking care of her!

It’s apples to oranges in any case, he was an expat and being rewarded for working in those conditions. There’s lots of us that have *lived* (you live at work in a crappy country under the company’s rules) in pretty miserable high stress environments and then pivot our careers to something that gets us out of it. Overseas in a 3rd world country (African shithole in my experience) is fun for awhile but eventually most people want to move out of it into the managers in a developed country of the people living in the 3rd world country or move up and if you can’t move up, you move out of it.


70 posted on 12/05/2016 11:42:51 AM PST by jimnm
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To: AppyPappy
If you are married, there is no “I pay”. Income, expense, assets and liability belong to the household.

For most of our marriage, my wife has earned more money than me. However, 90% of the time, I have paid the mortgage, utilities (electric, gas, water, and phone), in addition to withholding extra taxes from my W-4 because she always claims too many exemptions.

She pays for the car insurance, and some groceries. I don't mind it, because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

She's like most women: her check is her money, my check is our money. For the woman in the article, I'm not feeling too sympathetic. I'd like to hear what her husband's dream job is, presumably it's in the field in which he got a graduate degree.

I was never that excited about money. Now that I'm a couple of years from retirement, I've picked out a hobby I can enjoy: wine & viticulture. Nothing better than visiting a winery, enjoying a good glass of wine and good conversation.

71 posted on 12/05/2016 11:58:04 AM PST by Night Hides Not (Remember the Alamo! Remember Goliad! Remember Gonzales! Come and Take It!)
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To: Night Hides Not

Reading between the lines, it seems you see the problem with your scenario.


72 posted on 12/05/2016 12:00:28 PM PST by AppyPappy (If you really want to irritate someone, point out something obvious they are trying hard to ignore.)
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To: manc
About seven years ago, I opened up my own bank account, to have my check deposited into it. My wife didn't like it one bit, still doesn't...lack of trust.

I got tired of her "borrowing from my paycheck" to help out her family, while she put off obligations into the next pay period. Turned into a vicious circle.

I like your idea of a bill paying account, though.

73 posted on 12/05/2016 12:01:50 PM PST by Night Hides Not (Remember the Alamo! Remember Goliad! Remember Gonzales! Come and Take It!)
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To: AppyPappy
I think I simply have tried to resolve the problems in my scenario to a tolerable level. We've been married 30 years, so something must be going right.

Nothing in life is perfect, and I realize I'm not the easiest man to live with.

74 posted on 12/05/2016 12:05:37 PM PST by Night Hides Not (Remember the Alamo! Remember Goliad! Remember Gonzales! Come and Take It!)
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To: Night Hides Not

Long ago.....I was cleaned out 3 times financially. It changes you, trusting the wrong person.


75 posted on 12/05/2016 12:05:41 PM PST by combat_boots (God bless Israel and all who protect and defend her! And please, God, bless the USA again.)
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To: combat_boots

So sorry to hear about that.


76 posted on 12/05/2016 12:08:15 PM PST by Night Hides Not (Remember the Alamo! Remember Goliad! Remember Gonzales! Come and Take It!)
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To: C19fan

Many women want to be the guy, until they don’t.


77 posted on 12/05/2016 12:26:37 PM PST by Secret Agent Man ( Gone Galt; Not averse to Going Bronson.)
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To: C19fan
he went through two years of graduate school. My husband now has his dream job. ... He never imagined that he would spend all of his savings to follow his dreams to come out on the other end making a quarter of his prior salary.

Sounds like someone did a poor job of planning. What dream job is this that's so awesome, requires two years of graduate school, and makes 1/4 of the money that a non-graduate job made?

And if she's really that worried about all this, why not talk to him about going back to his old job where he made more money? It's her turn to go find her dream job!
78 posted on 12/05/2016 12:31:48 PM PST by Svartalfiar
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To: C19fan

Based on our chosen professions my wife knew before we were married that she would always make more money than me. She doesn’t have an issue with it, and I sure as heck don’t. Why would I complain about more money?


79 posted on 12/05/2016 12:32:14 PM PST by gop4lyf (Gay marriage is neither.)
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To: NorthMountain

Amen


80 posted on 12/05/2016 12:55:48 PM PST by Hieronymus ( (It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. --G. K. Chesterton))
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