Maine's congresswoman from the first congressional district, Chellie Pingree.
I needed that!!
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy, “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a ting of beauty it was, but utterly useless in a fight.”
lol, this might work for Sinead O’Connor if she didn’t look like a bald white guy
((rimshot))
He’s here all week, folks. Try the New York cheesecake , it’s delicious!
CC
Fantastic!
Maine's congresswoman from the first congressional district, Chellie Pingree.
Ahem....
Ok lol
It’s an old joke but a good one. That said you should have posted it on the TGIF thread.
LOL!.......................
A New York woman brought her 3 year old boy to the beach one morning. The boy played in the sand near the shore, when suddenly a large wave crashed over him and the undertow carried him out to deeper water. The woman could not swim, and, distraught, screamed for help as the other beachgoers tried desperately to save the child.
It looked like there would be no rescue and the mother dropped to her knees and prayed fervently “Please God, you should save my child, and if you do I’ll never ever ask you for anything else! This is all I ask, forever more!!”
Suddenly, incredibly, when all hope appeared lost, another large wave caught her young son and tossed him up onto the beach, saving his life.
People on the beach cheered and praised God. The woman who’s son was rescued wept with joy at the miracle. “Thank you God, I’ll never ask for another thing!! But... he had a hat!”
"I've done well for meself, Da, so I come home to see if I could help you out too," she explained.
Her father looked at her suspiciously. "And what've you been doing that you have so much money?"
"Well, I won't lie to you, Da, I'm a prostitute." She replied.
Her father stiffened in outrage. "I'll have none of yer tainted money, then, girl. Off with you, go back to yer life of sin!"
The daughter says, "Does that mean ye don't want the new car behind me with the boot stacked full of fine whiskey?"
Her father blinked a few times, looked at her, looked past her to the car, and a smile broke out on his face. "Oh, a prostitute! I thought ye said you'd become a Protestant! Come give yer old Daddy a hug!!"
I envisioned Groucho, plus a drum, when reading the punchline.
one for the road:
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The man whispers, “Yes, it is.”
Boy - “I have a baseball.”
Man - “That’s nice.”
Boy - “Want to buy it?”
Man - “No, thanks.”
Boy - “My dad’s outside.”
Man - “OK, how much?”
Boy - “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - “It’s dark in here.”
Man - “Yes, it is.”
Boy - “I have a baseball glove.”
Man - Remembering last time, asks, “How much?”
Boy - “$750.”
Man - “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your ball and glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says “$1,000.”
The father says, “It’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again!”