Maine's congresswoman from the first congressional district, Chellie Pingree.
Posted on 06/24/2016 6:14:49 AM PDT by Phlap
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italytomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine ship inspection."What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." I see the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is, replied the captain. This is the Staten Island Ferry."
I needed that!!
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy, “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a ting of beauty it was, but utterly useless in a fight.”
lol, this might work for Sinead O’Connor if she didn’t look like a bald white guy
((rimshot))
He’s here all week, folks. Try the New York cheesecake , it’s delicious!
CC
Fantastic!
Maine's congresswoman from the first congressional district, Chellie Pingree.
Ahem....
Ok lol
It’s an old joke but a good one. That said you should have posted it on the TGIF thread.
Old one, not very funny; but VERY Irish:
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.
“Lord,”he prayed,”I can’t stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,”Never mind,I found one.”
LOL!.......................
Patrick says to Mike, "You know, I feel very guilty about what I did with Davey's wife the other night. I think I'll head over to see Father O'Malley and confess my sins."
Mike replies, "Well that's good. You should unburden yourself for your adultery."
So, off goes Patrick to see Father O'Malley and he enters the confessional.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery with my neighbors wife."
"Bless you my son for confessing such a wicked sin." said the Father. "Surely the Good Lord will see your sincerity and forgive you. Now, tell me son, did this transgression involve Mrs. O'Leary?"
Patrick replies, "Heavens no. It wasn't Mrs. O'Leary."
"Well that's good." says the priest. "Was it by by chance with Mrs. Hannigan?"
Seeming surprised, Patrick replies, "Good Lord, no. It weren't Mrs. Hannigan."
"Well then Patrick, was it Mrs. Lonergan?"
"No. it wasn't Mrs. Lonergan and frankly Father, I don't feel comfortable discussing those kind of details."
The priest says, "Very well then. No matter. Say three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers and The Act of Contrition and may the Good Lord forgive you your sins."
Having felt rightfully unburdened, Patrick heads back to the pub to grab another pint and finds his friend Mike there. He sits and is greeted by Mike.
"So" says Mike, "Did you unburden yourself with the Father?"
"I did indeed", says Patrick.
"And will you refrain from such doings in the future?"
"Well," says Patrick, "I really won't. In fact, I've gotten meself three new leads!"
An Irish layer died and went to heaven and was driven in a limo by St Peter to a beachfront mansion, greeted by his gardener, manservant and personal chef.
Over the hedges he saw a small cottage and a Pope unlocking the door.
"I get this mansion and a Pope gets only a small cottage?"
St Pete: "there's 79 popes up here but you're the only lawyer we've got."
A New York woman brought her 3 year old boy to the beach one morning. The boy played in the sand near the shore, when suddenly a large wave crashed over him and the undertow carried him out to deeper water. The woman could not swim, and, distraught, screamed for help as the other beachgoers tried desperately to save the child.
It looked like there would be no rescue and the mother dropped to her knees and prayed fervently “Please God, you should save my child, and if you do I’ll never ever ask you for anything else! This is all I ask, forever more!!”
Suddenly, incredibly, when all hope appeared lost, another large wave caught her young son and tossed him up onto the beach, saving his life.
People on the beach cheered and praised God. The woman who’s son was rescued wept with joy at the miracle. “Thank you God, I’ll never ask for another thing!! But... he had a hat!”
"I've done well for meself, Da, so I come home to see if I could help you out too," she explained.
Her father looked at her suspiciously. "And what've you been doing that you have so much money?"
"Well, I won't lie to you, Da, I'm a prostitute." She replied.
Her father stiffened in outrage. "I'll have none of yer tainted money, then, girl. Off with you, go back to yer life of sin!"
The daughter says, "Does that mean ye don't want the new car behind me with the boot stacked full of fine whiskey?"
Her father blinked a few times, looked at her, looked past her to the car, and a smile broke out on his face. "Oh, a prostitute! I thought ye said you'd become a Protestant! Come give yer old Daddy a hug!!"
I envisioned Groucho, plus a drum, when reading the punchline.
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