Posted on 12/08/2015 11:51:57 AM PST by PJ-Comix
Yesterday (yes, December 7) marked my 10th year anniversary of marriage. Earlier today I was talking with a friend who underwent a bitter divorce a few years ago. While my wife and I have had MANY arguments (usually at least once per day), we have never gotten close to even thinking about divorcing. After 10 years I think I can qualify on how to have a happy marriage. Here are a few key points, some of which might seem counter-intuitive:
1. Don't have too much in common. Yes, that is correct. What happens when a husband and wife have too much in common is that gives too much possibility for conflict. Just ask Bill and Hillary who have an intense interest in politics how their marriage has worked out. Better yet, ask Bill's "Energizer Bunny" how it has worked out. I have MANY hours of the day on my own doing stuff my wife has no interest in. Likewise she does things that don't interest me. The result is much less chance of conflict. Also some of her interests are helpful for both of us. For example my wife loves poring over financial details which bore the hell out of me. Therefore she handles most of our finances except for tax returns which I do on TurboTax.
2. Argue often. My friend who had a bitter divorce said it came about because he and is wife rarely talked and over the years built up a cold simmering resentment of each other. Contrast that to my wife and I who frequently argue. The saving grace is we both have a sense of humor and such arguments usually end with us making funny faces or saying funny stuff. Sometimes when my wife if lecturing (hectoring) me I put my hands over my years while yelling about not hearing her in an exaggerated fashion.
3. Have a funny line to use when your wife (or husband) attempts to spy on you while using your computer. My line is "DON'T HOVER!" or "STOP HOVERING!" It's not that I have anything to hide but just having someone watch over my shoulder gets on my nerves.
4. Get GroupOns. I'm not plugging it but it is fun to find restaurant deals on the cheap and go out together every couple of weeks or so. The deals are often so good that you can't not pick them up.
5. Above all, keep a sense of humor about everything. Deadly seriousness can be fatal to a marriage.
So true! I hear people say they married a liberal and I want to wretch. How can they even consider it, I don’t get. I don’t even want liberals as friends. I moved 2300 miles to escape them, LOL!
From a woman’s point of view - I hear a lit of women trying to change their men. My church friends don’t do that, but I think it’s a typical thing otherwise. it doesn’t work of course. I don’t know if men have the same attitude?
They have to be vetted without blinders, like you said. People spend mire time researching a car or breed of puppy, LOL!
The WORST argument (actually disagreement) was when we were at the family mountain vacation resort of my wife's side in western Venezuela a few years ago. A relative of hers got married there and at the reception I figured since I was on vacation I would get ROARING drunk which is what happened. I mean I got WILD. Dancing with all the women (and several at once). Actually that specifically didn't bother my wife. What did it for her was my overall drunkeness to the point where I was dancing a tango with a chair.
At that point, my wife pulled me away from the wedding party and dragged me into a bedroom where she tearfully told me I had completely embarrassed her and that I should lie down until I sobered up. Well, after about 10 minutes of trying to attain sobriety, I heard the party guests shout for the "gringo" (I was the only one there) to come on out. I went out on the balcony and climbed down to join the party and left my wife in the room. She came down later and teared up from shame at my antics.
So what was the end result? As a bit of time passed, less than a week, her attitude about that episode completely changed. She now enjoys recounting my drunken antics or laughs when I tell others what happened.
I quoted my wife the fee ($10) for the Mailbox Etc. clerk to notarize the marriage license. Yes, we got married at Mailbox, Etc.. She (and a couple of her friend who thought there would actually be a ceremony) were shocked when I explained to them that the notarization WAS the ceremony. Oh, after that we went to a King's Seafood Buffet and celebrated by downing hundreds of baby lobsters.
This thread is one of the many reasons why I love freerepublic. We hit 10 years just a couple of days ago. Congrats!
But to the point, I think Martin Luther said it pretty well: “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”
You're the Martin Luther expert. Accurate quote?
There were a couple of times early on, maybe 5 or 6, when my patience was tried. 46 years on, even that seems impossible. My ten year old (at the time) daughter once saw/heard two of our friends arguing. She remarked to the pastor, also there, that “I never heard adults argue before.”Same daughter, years later, was pushing me to agree with her complaints about her younger brother. I took her aside and explained to her that Rule 1 of personal relations, per Dale Carnegie, is “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.” And told her that she was only making it hard for me to obey that rule, and therefore she could expect no appreciation from me for it.
I mentioned that rule to my mother once, and boasted, “. . . and I don’t” [complain]. It was a proud moment for me when my wife heard that and interjected, “He doesn’t!”
But Rule 2 is harder: “Give honest, sincere appreciation.” That does not mean flattery; it means “honest and sincere” appreciation. Which you can only do if you pay attention and point out whatever the other person does right or well.
Do those things, and you give your marriage a good shot.
My wife of 16 years and I set out some rules for getting along when we first started dating-
When you are angry- say so! And say why!
No name calling during arguments (this one is one way-
my wife has called me names many times when angry/annoyed with me, but I don’t car. I’ve never called her a name when angry- she’d never forget it!).
Sincere appreciation is a funny thing. Even people who aren't very sharp can easily tell when someone is expressing appreciation because they feel they need to or have to, not because they really mean it and want to.
I think what it boils down to is valuing the other person, be it in work, marriage, whatever. If you don't value them, their efforts, and their time, you can't sincerely appreciate them.
I have always felt that one of the most egregious violations towards appreciating the work or efforts of someone else is to unnecessarily waste their time. Whether through callousness, thoughtlessness, or arrogance, the end result is the same. No matter what facet of life I am in, whether I am a husband arriving home late, a patient late for an appointment or a manager running a poorly conceived meeting, when I realize I have wasted someone's time, I apologize sincerely and with haste...so I try not to do those things!
I think to show disregard for the value of someone else's time is a blatant slap in the face.
I have never, ever in all the time I have been married, ever used any derogatory verbal language directed at my wife, and she has never done so to me.
Except for just once, on the same day, when we both used nearly the same verbiage directed towards the other one, though neither one of us was in the presence of the other!
NOTE: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ THE LONG STORY BELOW THAT TOOK PLACE BEFORE THE ADVENT OF CELL PHONES, HERE IS THE SUMMARY: I STARTED MY DEROGATORY STATEMENT AS “I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT BI**CH...” AND SHE STARTED HER DEROGATORY STATEMENT AS “I CAN’T BELIVE THAT BA***RD...”
Our Mallorcan Adventure
My wife and I traveled to Mallorca some years ago. This was our wedding anniversary present to each other, and this was going to be a little bit different from the last time that we had gone there. This time, we’re going to rent a small villa instead of staying in a hotel.
The flight was a little problematic to begin with, because I have a thing about flying on Douglas DC-10 aircraft. I have always regarded them as unsafe, probably due to my background as a jet mechanic coupled with my interest in general aviation. So of course, when we go out to the runway to board the plane... it was an Iberian Airlines Douglas DC-10. Well, at that point I didn’t have much choice, so we boarded the plane. In all my years of flying, it was one of the worst flights I had ever taken. By its nature, is a fairly long flight over the Atlantic. What made this one worse was that Iberian Airlines had modified this plane to fit the maximum number of passengers on it. There was so little space between my seat in the seat in front of me, that when the person put their seat back, the top of their seat was literally inches away from my face. I had no choice but to put my seat back, which caused the person in back of me to have to put their seat back. This set up a chain reaction that went all the way to the back of the plane. I could’ve lived with that, but there was one other factor. Some poor woman a few seats in front of me had an infant that was having some kind of difficulty. The child screamed the entire time the plane flew across the Atlantic. I couldn’t really be angry about it, and I did feel bad for the mother, but it still made the flight very, very unpleasant.
We arrived in Barcelona at approximately 6 o’clock in the morning Barcelona time, and I had not slept at all during the flight, so I was very tired. The Barcelona airport is a somewhat unusual airport in those days, in that it was completely straight from end to end, and not at all complicated to find your way through. So when we landed, the airport was deserted. There was not a soul to be seen, and our flight to Mallorca was not scheduled to leave for several hours. My wife wanted to walk around and take a look at some of the stores (even though they weren’t open) so I found the nearest bench on the main concourse and lay down on it take a nap while she strolled around. I put my carry-on bag underneath my head, folded my hands across my stomach and promptly fell sleep.
I really don’t know how long I slept, but I think it may have been an hour or so. I was awakened by the sound of power tools just feet from my head. While I had slept, a construction team doing renovations had decided to begin their work right on top of me. I’m sure they thought was a good joke, but I hadn’t had nearly enough sleep. Grumbling, I grabbed my bag and stood up. I looked around, and about 40 feet away there was a departure gate that was completely deserted. I walked over the empty benches, put my backpack down again and settled back in to continue my nap. It didn’t occur to me that my wife might not see me, because I was in plain view just 40 feet or so from where I had been. As I said, it was not a large airport and there weren’t a lot of places for someone to get lost. When it was time to board the flight, if I wasn’t awake, I knew she would wake me up in plenty of time to board. I immediately fell asleep on those wooden benches outside the departure gate.
At some point, in my sleep I became aware that I wasn’t alone in that there were people around me. I awoke, and felt somebody up close to my feet, and as I sat up, I saw that I was surrounded by a crowd of people. Someone had sat on the bench near my feet, and another person had set next to my head while I slept. There were people milling around, and I realized that I’d slept long enough for a crowd to congregate at the gate to depart on a flight. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I stood up, grabbed my bag and walked the very short distance to the main concourse which was now teeming with people.
I looked at my watch, and with a start saw that the departure time for our flight to Mallorca had come and gone. As I thought about this, it occurred to me that the flight must have been delayed, otherwise my wife would’ve woken me up. With this in mind, I began to walk down the concourse in one direction keeping my eyes open for my wife. Even though it was crowded, I didn’t think I would have any problem picking her out in the crowd, and I was pretty sure she would be looking for me as well.
I stopped in front of the departure board and looked up our flight, and it said that the flight had departed. I still was not overly concerned, because I knew she would not get on the flight without me.
I walked all the way the end of the concourse and didn’t see her. So, without too much concern I turned around, and walked back the way I had come. There was still a bit of distance on the other side of where I’d slept, and I knew that I would spot my wife as I walked back the other way. However, I walked from one end of the terminal to the other, and never spotted my wife. It occurred to me that I must have missed her, so I turned around and walked all the way back to the other end of the terminal. I still didn’t see her.
I repeated this process another four or five times. And then I became concerned. I went back to the main information desk in the terminal, and stood in a fairly lengthy line before I could speak to somebody. I asked the person at the desk if they could page my wife for me, which they agreed to do. I began to walk down the terminal again, scanning the faces of the people walking towards me to see if I could spot my wife, while keeping one ear tuned to the overhead speakers. When I heard my wife’s name surrounded by spanish, I realized my error, that I had not instructed the airport personnel to page her in English because she doesn’t know Spanish.
I went back to the information desk, and there was an even longer line now. I tried to go to the front, but not only did I receive poisonous glances from the people in line, the people manning the information desk refused to even look at me. Discouraged, I got back in line and waited my turn. When I finally to the window, I asked if they could repeat the page for my wife, and requested that they page her in English. I figured that it wouldn’t do me any good to walk up and down the concourse, since I had already done it nearly 10 times, so I just stood off to the side and waited for the page.
They paged her, and I waited. I waited, and waited some more. And then I became very concerned. This was quite unlike my wife. She has always been extraordinarily reliable, and after being married to her, I felt that I could predict how she might react in certain situations. At that point, I became overwhelmed with the dreadful feeling that something had happened to her. I didn’t know she got bored and left the concourse to walk around outside the airport... I had no idea where she might be. It was inconceivable to me that she would’ve gotten on the plane without me, because I never would have gotten on that plane without her.
I went back to the information desk and stood in that long line again, to see if there was someone I could talk to. The people behind the desk indicated they would call a policeman for me. As I waited, I saw a policeman walk up to the information desk as they pointed in my direction.
The policeman came over and introduced himself in Spanish, and I indicated to him that I knew a little bit of Spanish. He knew a little bit of English, so the two of us began trying to communicate. I was feeling fairly deep level of anxiety at this point, and my ability to communicate in a language that I knew imperfectly begin to break down. We began speaking half in Spanish, and half in English with predictable (and in retrospect) kind of humorous results. I tried to tell him that my wife had left me sleeping on a bench, he said back to me in his limited English “Your wife has left you?” The look on his face clearly indicated to me what he thought the context was for my being alone. I had to say “No, no...” and then try to explain it again. Eventually, he figured it out and while he was sympathetic, he conveyed to me that there was nothing that he could do until we knew for sure that she had not actually got onto that plane and gone over to Mallorca ahead of me. So, I had to get back in that line.
This time, the policeman took me by the arm and guided me to the front line (again, with poisonous glances from the large crowd burning into my back) and asked the people manning the information desk if they could help me. When I explained that I needed to find out if my wife and actually boarded the plane, they said that they could not do that, and that I actually needed to go downstairs to the ticketing window for that particular airline to find out.
I thanked the policeman, shook his hand and headed down the stairs. Again, there was a very long and slow-moving line. I was extremely anxious about the well-being of my wife, and standing in line was a real trial for me. As I was standing in line, the gentleman behind me (who, as I recall was from England) struck up a conversation with me. I must have been exuding anxiety because he picked up on it. I explained to him what was going on, and he nodded sympathetically. It was nice to speak to somebody who is not only sympathetic but also willing to communicate in my native language.
I finally got to the window, and explained the situation to the woman on the other side. She said to me, in a somewhat dismissive and final tone, that they were not allowed to give out that kind of information about what person may have been on a particular flight. I tried again to explain to her the situation, and she became very snippy and reiterated that there was no way she could help. I began to feel very angry, but before I could say anything I felt myself pushed aside, and the gentleman who I struck up a conversation with began to speak to her in fluent Spanish. Their conversation became very animated, and both of their voices began to rise. Her body language and tone of voice were the epitome of bureaucracy, and it was clear she was not going to bend or break the rules without a fight. His tone of voice and body language indicated that he was conveying to her that she was being an insensitive bureaucratic jerk, and that she should be ashamed for not willingly helping me given my situation. With a final, abrupt jerk of her head and a statement in Spanish that sounded more like a bark, her fingers pounded out something on the keyboard and she said something without looking up.
The gentlemen turned to me and said “Your wife did board that plane.” As I considered that, the first thought that came into my mind and out of my mouth was “I can’t believe that Bi*ch got on that plane without me!” But before I could dwell on it for very long, a young policeman with a submachine gun slung over his shoulder and a big pistol in a holster by his side ran up and told me that my wife had contacted them via fax of all things, and was looking for me, and if we hurried I could make the next flight which was leaving in minutes. I grabbed my carry-on bags, and the two of us ran up the stairs at top speed. We are running down the concourse, me pouring sweat carrying heavy bags as I tried to keep up with him, and him in front of me yelling at the top of his lungs for people to get out of the way. I have to admit, but even with the stress of the situation, this was rather funny.
Here we were, running down this “people conveyer” as this heavily armed policeman yelled at people. They were going about their business, and hearing the commotion would turn and look behind them only to see this guy bearing down on them, his right arm tightly gripping the submachine gun while the large holster on his side slapped up-and-down against his leg. Their mouths would open, in their faces would seem to grow white as they struggled to get out of the way. From my vantage point, it was rather funny.
We reached the departure gate, I shook his hand and said thank you, then sat down and waited to board the plane. There was an announcement over the speakers, and I saw everybody groan and slump their shoulders. I didn’t have to speak the language natively to understand that. The flight had been delayed.
When I got on the plane, they put me in a first-class seat which I found very pleasant. I enjoyed the flight to the island, and when I got off the plane I walked up towards the main concourse and wondered how I would find my wife who was supposedly waiting for me. I passed a small window that couldn’t have been more than 2’ x 2’ square. I thought I would just poke my head in and ask whoever was in there how I might go about finding my wife. As I stood there waiting for somebody to walk by, I looked all the way and the other side of this very large room, and there in a small 2’ x 2’ square window 75 feet away was my wife waving frantically at me. That was one of the strangest events of the day... that I would stop to look through this little window that had no identifying marks on it and nobody inside only to see my wife looking at me through an exact duplicate of my window that was on the other side of this large room!
When we finally met up with each other, it was clear that we had both had quite enough for one day, and all we wanted to do was reach our destination and relax. We went immediately to the Rent-A-Car area and picked up our vehicle. As we drove out to the town, my wife told me her side of the story. She’d gone back to wake me up, and I was nowhere to be seen. She then went down to the boarding gate, and waited for me to show up. She apparently had paced back and forth, becoming more and more anxious when I didn’t show up.
She took a walk down the concourse to look for me, and not finding me, return to the boarding gate. At this point she went up to the attendant to ask if perhaps I had boarded the plane in her absence. The person apparently told her I was on the plane already. My wife’s reaction was “I can’t believe that bas**rd got on the plane without me!” (I thought that was pretty funny, given that I had had the mirror reaction to it...)
So, she got on the plane, and finding that I wasn’t there, asked to get off. They told her she couldn’t get off, so she had to fly over to the island without me. When she got to Mallorca, she went to a phone to try to call the terminal in Barcelona. She had some change in her pocket, but the phone didn’t work. So she found another phone... that one didn’t work. In her state of aggravation and anxiety the situation seemed to be getting more impossible and irritating with each passing minute. The damned phones just didn’t work, but she saw other people using them successfully which perplexed and aggravated her to no end. It turns out that the change she had in her purse was change she had brought with her from the United States, and it was change she had saved from our honeymoon 10 years earlier. In the interim, Spain had changed its coinage, so what she had no longer worked anymore. (She didn’t find this out until later, and it was probably the most frustrating aspect of the entire situation)
She finally decided to go to the airline and asked them and ask them if they could call over to find out if I was still over there in Barcelona. They said apologetically that they couldn’t, for some unknown reason, but that they could send a fax, which they did. Apparently the police got it and knew where I was, so they sent a policeman down to grab me and get me over to the terminal where I could board the plane to Mallorca.
After this “adventure”, even staying in a town whose name translated as “Town of Ten Thousand Roosters” whose streets were so narrow that we had to fold up the side mirrors on the car, turned out to be an extraordinarily relaxing event.
Heheh, that is quite a visual I have in my brain...it must break her down every time!
I feel honored to have my little post bring that story to your mind! :)
Congratulations!! That’s hard to do these days. People give up so easily. I am 45 and was raised by my grandparents from the Greatest Generation.
Just celebrated my 23rd. My oldest is expecting my first grandchild. Here’s wishing you another decade, FRiend.
It was the only time in all the time we have been married we ever used language like that towards each other!
Thanks for sharing your story, and what a story it is!!
39 years here.
I love her.
She loves me.
I am the most blessed guy in the world.
You’re welcome...when we tell the story, it is usually a this is MY version...and this is MY version...:)
Wow.
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