Posted on 07/18/2015 1:32:35 PM PDT by blueunicorn6
We have an apple tree in our back yard. It was here when we bought the house. I like trees as much as the next person, but, having been around this apple tree for several years, I can tell you that I would never plant one in my yard. They produce apples and apples have been the enemy of man since the serpent tempted eve with an apple.
Apples wouldn't be so bad if they just stayed in the trees. Unfortunately, they drop like the stocks my Uncle Gene tells me to buy. Apples are also a favorite food of those pesky tree vermin, neighbor kids. No, actually squirrels. The neighbor kids are afraid of heights.
I take a live-and-let-live attitude with most of the wildlife. Except for that mountain lion. The dogs locked me outside with him once. I tried to sing to him to lull him to sleep but he must have been taking No-Doze or he was a Michael Buble fan because he really tore me up. But I digress.
While I may be a friend to vagrants and squirrels, my dogs tolerate neither. I have four dogs. I have the princess, the two brothers and the sneaky little one. You would think that dogs would value speed or strength or honor above all else. If you thought that, you watched too many episodes of Lassie. Dogs like sneakiness. And the little one is the biggest sneak I know. But I digress.
My dogs dislike squirrels. They are on constant watch for them. They have a special bark to alert each other when they see a squirrel. The little one uses that bark at chow time to get the other dogs to run to the door so he can eat their food. It's like I said, he's sneaky.
This summer, there has been a seriously large squirrel visiting our apple tree. He's like Arnold Schwarzensquirrel or something. Big. And he's not too afraid of the dogs. He sits in the apple tree and bombs the dogs with half-eaten apples.
At first, I thought it was really funny. The two brothers would be under the tree barking their fool heads off and "clunk", one of them would catch an apple on the noggin. And the squirrel would laugh.
Well, the older brother is getting to be quite senior and the last apple clunking him on the head put him down for an 8-count. I know. The little dog was counting.
I have a vested interest in my dogs besides which it's hard to explain to the verinarian that your dog got bombed with an apple by a squirrel, so I decided to help my hounds.
Dogs can never figure out how to use a lever-action, so arming them wasn't the answer. Maybe something more defensive. A helmet! Of course! That would protect them.
Do you know they make doggie football helmets? Neither did I. My Dad was a real Vikings fan, so I bought four purple doggie football helmets. I lined them up in the backyard and put their helmets on them.
The girl whimpered. The younger brother fell over and pretended to be dead. The sneaky little one tried to get his chinstrap off, but he doesn't have thumbs, so he was stuck. The older brother tried to run away and ran head first into a fence pole. Good thing he had his helmet on.
Old Squirrelzilla was up in the tree and I told the dogs to show him who was boss or bosses I guess. They got under the tree and they would have made Bud Grant proud. My Purple-People-Eaters, or in this case, my Purple-Squirrel-Chasers were right at it.
Old Squirrely pulled out his top secret Norden bombsight and it was "Apples Away!"
The apples just bounced off the dogs heads.
In all warfare, there is point and counterpoint as a new weapon is introduced and the enemy comes up with a counter measure. The squirrel was desperately seeking a way to overcome the helmets. Sometimes it's not a new weapon, but a new tactic.
The squirrel leapt from the apple tree onto the back of the youngest brother. This was as shocking as the introduction of tanks in WWI. The youngest brother took off with the squirrel on his back looking like American Pharoah coming round the bend.
The other three dogs froze in terror wondering if the squirrels had formed an airborne unit.
The squirrel finally jumped off the dog's back. I think he gave the dog the Churchill victory sign, but it might have just been the finger.
I lined the dogs up and you've never seen a more dispirited crew. I took off their helmets and gave them a treat and told them that while they hadn't shown much bravery, that perhaps discretion is the better part of valor.....with squirrels anyway.
Later on, I saw the sneaky little dog and the squirrel yukking it up together. Filthy little traitor. I started throwing apples at him. He put on his helmet. So did the squirrel.
It probably is but it is so much fun. The squirrel is scratching its head and then it tries again and then leaves in disgust. Bye bye!
Mountain lion story please.
Squirrels are giving me fits around here. We have peach and pear trees, they wiped them all out this year and last, then started on my tomatoes.
So last winter during squirrel season I decided I’d get a little target practice and thin out the squirrels. I can’t stand the damn things as food, not enough there to fool with, but my mother and neighbor will take them.
Every day when I walk out the door 4 or 5 squirrels scatter. So I started to grab the trusty .22. Not a squirrel in sight. Sat there and waited 30 minutes. One scurried across the treetops 75 yards away.
Put up the .22 disgusted and walked outside 20 minutes later...4 squirrels scattered. Right now there’s a squirrel nest 20 feet from my back door, about 20 feet up a big oak tree. They do it just to taunt me...
Every time I walk out back at least 2 squirrels run like crazy out of the pear tree...or did until a few days ago when they finished off the pears. They finished off the best of the peaches and left me 3 with bruised and rotted spots...I’m not sure I’ll get any Roma tomatoes this year at all...
So I walk outside with a .22 to go after a chicken snake...not a squirrel in sight...
Don’t have any problems with them in the bird feeders, they’re too busy wiping out the fruit trees...
I posted the mountain lion story a couple of years back.
The sneaky little dog tricked me and locked me out of the house. He then started a betting pool with the other dogs about how long I’d last with the mountain lion. He won like sixty kibbles.
No.
Some people say I look like Kevin Costner if he was old and fat and ugly.
I think the solution for you is to hang one of those mirrored, shiny disco balls in your tree.
It doesn’t keep the squirrels away, but they’re so busy doing the rubber band dance that they forget to eat your fruit.
Good luck.
Some people say I look like Kevin Costner if he was old and fat and ugly.
Chin up! Last time I saw Kevin Costner he was old, and ugly.
2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
Tell your wife you are 2/3 of a Hollywood sex symbol!! ;)
I actually had a chance to be in the movie STRIPES with Bill Murray. I was going to be the spatula.
I asked my boss for time off to do the filming. He said that with a face like mine, I could only do animal movies.
Hollywood only calls once, and my cellphone was out of power.
Bada boom.. He’ll be back folks, he’s here all week...try the veal!!
;)
Or, if you have a hankering for Hmong style cooking, there's this..
Thank you, NoCmpromiz.. I was waiting for the FReeper recipe... you didn’t fail me. :)
My chihuahua has a motorcycle helmut. Full on professional. There is a motorcycle guy online who makes them.
Griffith Park here in LA has lots of little parks around it. My BF and I love one of them because it is full of squirrels. Sometimes it’s hard to walk there are so many.
So we took my cat to the park and sat at the table. We put the cat on the table and there were about 4 squirrels on top of the table. The cat seemed to scared to tangle with the squirrel and suddenly I bagan to wonder if squirrels would attack me.
Anyway, we left. I still wonder if squirrels are dangerous.
Thank you for the ping!
What a great way to start the day...very funny and well written.
Just keep in mind that if you use a shotgun to, um, repurpose your squirrel, you might need to watch for little round hard things that may have become internalized...
;-)
Crosman Phantom 1000
Very good..damn dogs..
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.