Posted on 01/07/2015 3:40:44 PM PST by Jewbacca
In light of the events today, I think we should start a recurring, and on-going, thread of Mohammed Jokes.
I'll start, but remember "jokes don't kill people. Muslims offended by jokes kill people."
And remember, stereotyping a person because of religion is not fair, be they a Christian, Jew, or a terrorist.
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Prophet Mohammed was out on a jihad in foreign lands, got sick, and couldn't get better. He finally called in a Jewish wise man who examined him.
The sage thought for a bit, and then told Mohammed: "Get a bucket. Poop in the bucket. Pee in the bucket. Have all your family do it. Then leave the bucket in a closet for a week. Next, for 7 days, put your head in the bucket and breathe deeply. Then call for me."
Mohammed did as he was told, then called for the sage "By my beard! I am cured! How did you do it?!"
The Jewish sage just shrugged, "Meh. You were just homesick."
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Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?
Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"
++++++++++++++++ Q. What is the difference between the Prophet Muhammad and Michael Jackson? A. One is a pedophile child rapist and the other recorded six platinum albums.
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Q. Why don’t Muslims eat pork? A. The Koran forbids cannibalism.
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Q. Why do Arab men wear dirty bed sheets? A. Because a camel can hear the sound of a zipper from a mile away.
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Q. What’s the difference between Mecca and a bowl of yogurt? A. The yogurt has a living culture.
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Q. How do you get a Muslim out of a shower? A. Turn the water on.
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Q. What is the difference between a roll of toilet paper and the Koran? A. One is great for wiping your butt and the other comes in 2-ply.
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Q. What do you call an Iman who owns a camel and a goat? A. Bisexual.
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Q. Why doesn’t G-d stop the wars in the Middle East? A. He doesn’t like Muslims either.
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Q. How do you get Mohammed's wife pregnant? A. Dress her up as a 10-year old boy.
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Q. Did you hear about the Muslim family living in the US who are making every effort they can to integrate themselves into the local community, thereby contributing to worldwide peace and harmony and a greater understanding of their faith?
A. Nope me neither!
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Q: Why did Mohammed make homosexuality a sin in the Koran?
A: Because his boyfriend thought that would make it hotter.
++++++++++++++++++ Q: Hear about Dora the Explorer's muslim friend?
A: She's Doda the Exploda
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Q: What do you get when you win a theological debate with a muslim?
A: Death threats.
++++++++++++++++++ If you get on a plane these days you're not allowed to take shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, liquid soap ...
And I'm thinking, "Aren't they the very things a Muslim wouldn't be carrying anyway?"
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What did one Muslim say to another in a supermarket?
Nothing very interesting, they are both completely ordinary members of society who should not be judged based on their ethnic background and skin colour.
And then the building exploded.
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So Marvel Comics will introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.
Which is handy, since she's not allowed to drive.
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Why did the sex offenders cross the road?
To catch the bus to the mosque.
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I've set up a demolition company and I don't have to pay my workers. All I do is spray paint 'Mohammad liked it up the ass' on the side of the building.
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"Muhammad come quick, there's a wanted poster with your face on in the market square. It says you're wanted for paedophilia."
Muhammad: "From this day forth, to draw Muhammad is blasphemous and shall be punishable by death!"
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I always take my shoes off before entering a mosque, so they won't get dirty.
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If there was a war in my country because of my religion I would do the only rational thing-
Move to the other side of the world and demand them to adopt to my religion. +++++++++++++++++
My work colleague, Akmed, heard me ranting about my putz of a neighbour and he gave me the following advice. "Think what my holy prophet Mohammed would do in your situation".
So I beheaded him and married his 9 year old daughter.
+++++++++++++++ I think my wife is a part time Muslim...
Once a month she is offended by everything!
Ha. Best thread in six months. Good way to start the year,
These jokes are outrageous and insulting!!!
Keep up the good work.
Doing God’s work. Welcome back.
I heard that after that he started consorting with cougars which in his neighborhood is any female over the age of 12.
Thanks for the verses in post #79, Race.
70% of Palestinian males say they enjoy sex in the shower; the other 30% haven’t been to prison yet.
Q. How long did it take for Mohammed’s wife to take out the trash?
A. Nine months.
Mohammed got sick again, and goes to the Jewish sage that worked so well the first time.
He complains that his left leg has turned white, and wanted to know if it was dangerous. The sage examined the limb, and after fingering his beard for a minute, turns around and leaves the tent.
Ten minutes later the sage returns, holding a large jar, and giving it to the Arab he says, “Drink this up, and I am certain that your problem will be gone!”
So Mohammed gulps down the medicine, and when he has drank it all he looks at his leg and it immediately changes back to its natural brown colour.
“God,” he says, “That medicine tasted like shit!”
“That’s because it WAS shit,” said the sage, “You were off by a couple of pints!”
Q: How can you tell if an muslim just had sex?
A: His eyes are all red from the mace.
Q. Mohamed and Mouloud are in a car, who’s driving?
A. The police.
An American man, a French guy, and an muslim are all on a plane.
Suddenly the pilot comes over the PA and says the plane is going to crash if they don’t get rid of some unnecessary weight.
The American takes a huge bag of hamburgers out of his suitcase and tosses it out the window, saying “Not a problem, I’ve got plenty of these where I come from.”
The muslim guy somehow produces an entire barrel of oil and tosses it out, saying “Not a problem, I got plenty of this where I come from.”
The French guy thinks things over for a minute, then grabs the muslim and throws him out the window.
I was walking through a Saudi Arabian market when I saw a guy getting his hand stitched back on.
I said, “Oh, I see you won your appeal!”
Muslim leaders in the UK are giving a sermon later in which they are expected to condemn grooming of underage women for sex.
And showering, and the use of deodorant.
An announcement was just made by the leading iman of the biggest mosque in Paris:
“We are moderate and peaceful muslims. On behalf of all moderate, peace loving muslims, I’d like to say that I’m sorry. Specifically, I am sorry for the senseless attack we will commit next Tuesday.”
Me and my Arab friend were playing Battleship and he called out, “C-4” on his very first turn.
I ran.
I called up a sex line that said “100 percent pure Middle Eastern filth, guaranteed to shock you!”
It was some guy proclaiming “Allah akbar! Blessed is The Prophet Mohammed! Death to the West!”
I don’t find anything wrong with people being obsessed with Michael Jackson.
Everyone in the Middle East worships a dead paedophile as well.
My friend used my computer and I saw him sniggering at the screen. I said to him, “What’s so funny?”
“I’ve just changed your language to Arabic.”
“And what’s so funny about that then?”
“Well,” he replied, “You’re computer is just about to crash.”
Lots of truth is sometimes in a joke.
“can you give me the link to your jews and Christian jokes?”
My Jewish jokes are all over this website.
It is a Jewish tradition to make jokes at our own expense.
And never once did any of us go shoot up the Tonight Show or any of the Catskills performances.
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