Posted on 11/12/2014 11:32:47 AM PST by zlala
Looking for suggestions and/or advice dealing with parents with dementia and making mostly bad decisions.
I read through all the comments in this thread. Lots of good legal, financial and practical advice. A lot of commonality in the stories how demented people deteriorate. Been there, seen that, got the scars. Not much I can add, except that you should not be surprised or shocked by your parent’s hostility as they decline. Don’t take it personally. Dementia peels off the veneer of civility to reveal a mean-spirited baby that trusts no one and curses like a sailor. My mother lives in a swank retirement home, but she’d tell you it is the Black Hole of Calcutta. We keep a visitor’s log in her room to prove that yes, she has been visited by her children as recently as yesterday, not ten years ago as she claims. Your parents changed your diapers and forced you to do things you really didn’t want. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Tough love time, it has to be done, because you love them.
bttt
It was tough!! He was in and out of Recognition!!!
Alzheimer’s poem: “Do Not Ask Me To Remember.”
Thanks for sharing that.
Seem like the right point to share:
Glen Campbell - I’m Not Gonna Miss You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8TsAh-zYFI
a track that the country music great previously revealed will be the final song he ever records as he battles Alzheimer’s Disease. The ballad’s devastating lyrics detail Campbell’s struggle with the illness, but juxtaposed with the music video, which utilizes personal home video and performance footage from throughout Campbell’s life, the result is a truly poignant experience.
Absolutely.
A lawyer specializing in elderly law is needed in cases like this.
She's been on anxiety & depression medicine for years; probably 30 years. I just went with her to a dr apt 2 weeks ago, where the dr was trying to fine-tune her meds & find the "mix" (my words) that would work best for her, help her sleep, etc. But it doesn't seem to be working & hasn't for years. We'll keeping pushing forward.
You can't control their behavior but you have total control over how you let it affect yours.
You have to constantly remind yourself that they don't know what they're saying and doing...it helps if you can see the humor in the things they say and do.
It's a waste of time to argue with them or to expect rational thought from them.
My mother talked regularly to her dead brother...I could hear her down the hall talking and laughing. When I walked into the room she would start whispering to him!
pfl
Sorry to hear this is the way tings are going - second the power of attorney recommendation - best long term plan I think is to spend down their assets and get them both into Medicaid, then into an assisted living or nursing home - good luck...
Dementia peels off the veneer of civility"
...so true. Dis-inhibited behavior is one of the more difficult challenges with beloved parents in a public sphere. It's one thing to address social improprieties in private, and a whole 'nother (all-too-often-deeply-humiliating)issue to deal with an uninvited/unintended audience.
Whether it's untimely potty-mouth, not-so-subtle-rude-impatience, uninvited incontinence, flatulence delivered in public with Olympic flair, foul-mouthed temper tantrums, or something as tasteless as watching your loved one repeatedly flip/flop a loose denture in and out of their food filled mouth while at the dinner table in a nice restaurant. None of this is intentional and you should not take any of it personally - despite how personal the effort to clean up the momentary disaster becomes.
A very important comment above reminds those of us in the "sandwich generation" (responsible for children, grandchildren & parents & sometimes even grandparents):
"You can't control their behavior but you have total control over how you let it affect yours."
- may sound 'selfish' and invite unwarranted pangs of guilt...Is unquestionably, very sound advice.
The Serenity prayer reminds me each day to put things into perspective:
GOD, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change the COURAGE to change those things which I can & the WISDOM to recognize the difference Freepers are full of sage advice and I/we pray for you and yours - Godspeed on this challenging journey.
It’s possible to have dementia from a stroke or other cardiac event (loss of circulation to areas of the brain). Also, it can be a result of substance or drug abuse.
My Dad’s dementia was not from Alzheimer’s but likely from 60+ years of drinking.
Trying to get my dad to do this now. He still lives on his own all the way on the other side of the country.
It’s hard to help when they won’t let you.
We’ve been there with both parents. My mom wouldn’t sign anything. Made it very hard to care for her. Finally hospice had the doctor declare her incompetent. Was really too late though.
Hubby’s dad didn’t tell him anything and when it came down to someone needing authority we found out his sister had taken him while he had dementia and changed everything to her name and promptly stolen all his money. It took a 3 year lawsuit to settle everything and by then dad was gone.
I don’t think parents know, or some even care, how hard they make it on their children who mostly are just trying to help them.
Your husband’s dad’s sister sounds like my wife’s uncle.
Her uncle’s father lived with us until he was 97.
She/I did all the work, he took all his money.
Hoping my sister will be a helpful ally. Dad may have early stages of dementia-he thinks we’re trying to steal his money.(and sometimes his food!-LOL.sometimes you just have to laugh)
Can POA for these things be done via Legalzoom or similar ‘do it yourself’ forms for various states or must you hire a lawyer?
Actually it was hubby’s sister. Can’t believe people would do their parents that way but she did. She is dead to us. Haven’t spoken with her in over 8 yrs now. Lawyer told hubby.....I’m surprised you haven’t just had her whacked. Lol
Can POA for these things be done via Legalzoom or similar ‘do it yourself’ forms for various states or must you hire a lawyer?
Does the lawyer have to be from the state the elderly person resides in or can a lawyer in another state draw it up and have it sent to them to sign?
Advice on what to do from anyone who is NOT a lawyer in your state would be illegal, other than general experience someone else has had....each state has their own elder laws.
Beware, a guardian for the person and for the estate may be two different things where you live. Make sure that attorney has you and your family’s best interest at heart, there is nothing more I can say, except there are dangers financially and personally, depending on how much money is involved.
Best wishes.
Wills and POA's are not that complicated, so sites like Legalzoom should be useful. Wills should be registered with your State's probate courts, to avoid complications after that person passes.
Re: POA's, my parents were in-state, so we could be there to assist. POA's have broad authority. In NY State, for example, POA's need to be registered, IF the power to sell real estate is granted within a POA. Otherwise, they need only be notarized, it seems. Google POA and your state. You'll find all kinds of websites offering information.
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