OSHA* is a free lance sarcastic SOB who lives in NW Arkansas where he finds his amazing skills suprisingly little in demand.

Don't bother me with nasty little freep mails.
I'll post them so others can enjoy them also.

Personal Data:

• Real Name: Sorry! That would violate the terms of the witness protection program.

• Age: I don't have any recollections of dinosaurs, but I did watch Captain Kangaroo in black and white.

• Sex: Sometimes it can't be avoided. Dang it, Woman! Can't you see I'm Trying to sleep.

• Occupation: After 30 years as an industrial construction electrician I am now sort of a process control and automation engineer thingie. If you have wiped a babies butt with a pre-moistened paper product that is not a "national brand" in the past few years, chances are that I wrote the control program for at least part of the process that created it. I also supervise the crew of electronic techs that keep the machines running.

• Education: BS/MS/PHD from U of HK.

• Hair Color: Was black, then salt and pepper, now mostly salt.

• Eyes: Brown most of the time. Hazel when I'm a quart low.

• Height: 'Bout six foot.

• Weight: Recently down to 235 and holding from a high of about 270.

• Religion: Southern Baptist. (Our motto: Be dunked or be doomed.) Saved by Grace that is a gift from God.

• Marital Status: Blissfully married to a wonderful and beautiful and gracious woman who only hits me when I really deserve it and then, only out of love, to correct my bad behaviors. (Did I get it right that time, Dear?)

• Children: Two stepsons. One in college who wants to go to seminary and one in high school who hopes to avoid jail time.

• Hobbies: I like to turn beautiful expensive hardwood into piles of sawdust. Also shooting, cleaning, caressing, holding, keeping and bearing blued steel manhood enhancers.

• Values: God, family, freedom, country. Also my personal honesty and integrity. A truly honest man will starve to death beside a loaf of bread that does not belong to him.

• Personality: Type B. Laid back and very relaxed. Lazy is another good word. One of my high school teachers called me her "feckless lout". I always suspected that it didn't mean "favorite pupil"but I'm too lazy to bother looking it up.

• Favorite Color: Red. No, blue, AAAAAAHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEE.

• Politics: I don't care who you are, if you want to see me, look to your right.

• Favorite Books: Voracious and eclectic reader. Hitchikers, Hobbits, Ayn Rand, Issac Asimov, Wilbur Smith (The Sunbird is his best), Ken Follet (Pillars of the Earth is his masterpeice!), Allan Eckert's narratives of colonial America are fascinating and informative.

• Music: Also very eclectic. Anything good. Mostly 60's 70's rock, Good old country when in the presence of barstools, The old standards done by the masters. The Guess Who, Patsy Cline, Gladys Knight, Nat King Cole. Meatloaf's Bat out of Hell has a special place in my heart because it saved me from a disco-induced depression. All time favorite Gordon Lightfoot's "Gord's Gold"

• Movies: Anything with the name of a certain aquatic South American snake in the title. Also anything with John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Robert Duvall (The Godfather, Tender Mercies and Lonesome Dove are goodens.) I was fully prepared to hate Pulp Fiction but found it great and (believe it or not) one of my absolute favorites is My Fair Lady with Rex Harrison and Audrey Hepburn

• Favorite Food: Three letters, BBQ. McClards in Hot Springs is the worlds best. Stubbys (also in HS) runs a close second. Update 6/13/05...Just ate at Randy White's BBQ in North Dallas near the Galleria. YEEEHAAA I may have an new favorite! Excellent food + a 34oz draft beer!!!!!! I'll have to try it again a time or two to make sure.

• Sense of Humor: Look up "misshapen" in any good thesaurus and pick an adjective.

• Things that pi$$ me off: Too numerous to mention, but the term "pet peeve" is one of them

• Connect the Dots: If you played connect the dots with my life you would get a picture of a moose. At any given stage of my life, chances are that there is a moose lurking somewhere, from Mr. Moose to Moose and Squirrel to Moose Bites Sister to Moose Cheese Threads.

Save the Trolls

Once upon a time, majestic, dispeptic, mangy and slightly flea infested herds of trolls wandered freely over the plains of cyberspace. The ethernet would literally shake from thunderous noise of their bleating inanities and pounding keyboards in unthinking lockstep. They kept their own numbers in check by culling any member of the herd who showed signs of intelligence or self-reliance. They lived in perfect harmony with the members of the elite-media tribes that cared for them. Natures balance was preserved until the coming of the moderator man and his modern assault weapon, the ZOT.

Soon trolls were being wantonly slaughtered in huge numbers. Their posts, with only the juiciest idiocies removed for use in men’s and ladies tag lines, were left lying to rot in the sun. Despite their dwindling numbers the slaughter continues to this day. We at SAVE THE TROLLS demand that this unmerciful killing stop! We are working with pro-troll legislators to add trolls to the Endangered Species List. We are also trying to get ZOT-control legislation passed.

You can help! Call 1-800-PRO-TROLL or 1-800-BAN-ZOTS today and find out how!

visited 32 states (64%)
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*Update 4/15/05

OSHA is was my Chow mix dog's name. In 1992 I found him dumped in the woods near a shooting range that I used to frequent. It was very hot summer time and no water was to be found for miles around. I had a water cooler but nothing for him to drink out of so I used my hard hat. I said, "Thanks to OSHA, you have something to drink out of."

I took him home and cleaned him up and took him to the vet. They estimated him to be 1 to 2 years old.

I had to put him down today. Rest in peace old fella. You were a good dog.