I was left here on earth by space aliens as a fetus, to be raised by an Earth family.

That's the only explanation that seems to make sense to me anyway. Casual contact with the General Public continually confirms my thesis. Like many children given up for adoption, it’s caused me some thoughtful hours. Wondering if I had done something to displease them. Was I being punished? Would everyone around me suddenly laugh and shout Gotcha!

But no. It appears I’m stuck here. A Registered Nurse asks me if Rhode Island is that place in New York City. Uh, no, you’re thinking of Long Island. Yes, Rhode Island is a state. (ok, she was testing me for lucidity or something, right? She couldn’t really have thought…) Why is it so difficult to explain incorrect change? You’re kidding me right? See, 5 take away 3 is 2. Try it on your own fingers if you’re still doubtful! Why would people look at ME strangely for the apparently absurd statement that “No Dial Tone” meant you couldn’t call a different number on your fax either. Who are you people? Do we even share a Phylum?

But I digress…

I appreciate light single malt scotch from the Speyside area of Scotland. Generally diluted about half and half with normal old, out of the g-darn kitchen tap, plain water. I’ve found a good cigar once in a while to also be enjoyable. I first started smoking cigars as more of a mosquito repellent kind of thing, after I discovered that they greatly offended the overly liberal kind of folks we seem to have an infestation of around here. When a woman with a chest made by DuPont stopped by to ask if I realized that chickens will die if the temperature gets above 80F and that they shouldn’t be called poultry because you shouldn’t eat eggs or meat, I found the casual lighting of a cigar saves words. Hmmm, you don’t say?..while casually puffing in her direction saves offending the potentially unstable with harsh words of logic and reason. Shoot a coyote that was attacking my child? Puff, puff, puff, yeah call me crazy but I guess I DO think that’s ok. I returned the casual salute she made as she walked away, waiving at the cigar smoke. Hey! Where you going? What are we going to do about these chickens this summer? A/C?