Since Jan 22, 1999

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"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. " - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
"Don't be so humble - you are not that great. " - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. " - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. " - Saint Augustine (354-430)
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. Edward Abbey (1927-1989)
I have noted that persons with bad judgment are most insistent that we do what they think best. Lionel Abel (1911-2001)
They've got us surrounded again, the poor bastards. Gen Creighton W. Abrams, Jr. (1914-1974)
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. " - Galileo Galilei
"I'll moider da bum. " - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. " - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." - J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)
"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." - Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." - James Branch Cabell
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Pierce (1842-1914)
"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." - Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means." - Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.
"While we are postponing, life speeds by." - Seneca (3BC - 65AD)
"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." - the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. " - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. " - Gore Vidal
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. " - Paul Dirac (1902-1984)
"I would have made a good Pope. " - Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. " - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. " - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. " - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959 )
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. " - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)
"No one can earn a million dollars honestly. " - William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
"Everything has been figured out, except how to live. " - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. " - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy. " - Goethe (1749-1832)
"In the end, everything is a gag. " - Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. " - Yogi Berra
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men. " - Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. " - Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
"Behind every great fortune there is a crime. " - Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. " - Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. " - General George Patton (1885-1945)
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. " - Steven Wright
"The covers of this book are too far apart. " - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. " - Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. " - Voltaire (1694-1778)
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. " - Mae West (1892-1980)
"No Sane man will dance. " - Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. " - Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
"Vote early and vote often. " - Al Capone (1899-1947)
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"Hell is other people. " - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"I am become death, shatterer of worlds. " - Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavadgita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory. " - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. " - Al Capone (1899-1947)
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. " - Gloria Leonard
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. " - Robert Orben
"The cynics are right nine times out of ten. " - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. " - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. " - Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Plato was a bore. " - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. " - Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. " - Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
"Hemingway was a jerk. " - Harold Robbins
"How can I lose to such an idiot?" - A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. " - Woody Allen (1935-)
"I don't feel good. " - The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)
"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. " - Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)
"Men have become the tools of their tools. " - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. " - Gore Vidal
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. " - Woody Allen (1935-)
"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. " - Abba Eban (1915-)
"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. " - Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
"Why don't you write books people can read?" - Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. " - T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. " - Karl Wallenda
"Hell is paved with good samaritans. " - William M. Holden
"The average person thinks he isn't. " - Father Larry Lorenzoni
"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. " - Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. " - Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. " - Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. " - Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
"I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!" - Will Rogers (1879-1935)
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. " - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "640K ought to be enough for anybody. " - Bill Gates (1955-), in 1981
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. " - A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. " - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"Everything that can be invented has been invented. " - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. " - Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. " - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. " - last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. " - Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. " - Tom Clancy
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. " - Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "The Prince"
"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. " - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. " - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. " - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"Half this game is ninety percent mental. " - Yogi Berra
"There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole. " - Bill Wulf
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate." - Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was
"Woman was God's second mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong." - Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper
"Pray, n:. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies." - Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"I worship the quicksand he walks in." - Art Buchwald
"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction." - General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)
"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. " - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one." — Mark Twain
"The only real valuable thing is intuition." — Albert Einstein
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." — "Mahatma" Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
"The doors of wisdom are never shut." — Benjamin Franklin
"A day without laughter is a day wasted." — Charlie Chaplin
"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." — unknown
"Imagination is the highest kite one can fly." — Lauren Bacall
"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." — Thomas Alva Edison
"Good manners and bad breath will get you nowhere". - Elvis Costello
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly". — Batman costume warning label, Wal-Mart, 1995
"I would recommend a solo flight to all prospective suicides. It tends to make clear the issue of whether one enjoys being alive or not". — T. H. White, 'England Have My Bones,' 1936
"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say". --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes". --Oscar Wilde
"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Brooke Shields
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." -George Bush, US President
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -Lee Iacocca
"Please provide the date of your death." -from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." -Richard Nixon, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -Parish Magazine
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." -Bill Peterson, football coach
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." -Dan Quayle, US VP
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." -Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." -Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents." -George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Dan Quayle
"We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur." -Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Dan Quayle
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Dan Quayle
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Dan Quayle
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Dan Quayle
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samual Goldwyn
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..." -Dan Quayle
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman." -Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Dan Quayle
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." -Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes." -Anonymous
"Do you know why God created woman? Because sheep can't type." -- Texas state senator Kenneth Armbrister
"You don't understand. Every night when the moon is full, I turn into a wolf".
You and twenty million other guys"!-Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know".-Animal Crackers
"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily".
"Better listen to him, Flounder. He's pre-med".-Animal House
"Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no"!-Animal House
"I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light".-Annie Hall
"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me".-Annie Hall
"You know, I don't think I could take a mellow evening because I -- I don't respond well to mellow. You know what I mean? I have a tendency to -- if I get too mellow, I -- I ripen and then rot, you know.-Annie Hall".
"Charlie don't surf"!-Apocalypse Now
"We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene"!-Apocalypse Now
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning".-Apocalypse Now
"You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill".-Apocalypse Now
"Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops".-Arsenic and Old Lace
"Oh, I never use seatbelts. I don't believe in gravity".-Atlantic City
"Be sure to include tranquilizers to ease the strain and monotony of life in a fallout shelter. A bottle of 100 should be sufficient for a family of four. Tranquilizers are not a narcotic, and are not habit-forming".-Atomic Cafe
"No man is ever old enough to know better." -Holbrook Jackson, "Ladies' Home Journal", January 1950
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." -Jack Benny
"When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?, ' I say, 'Your salary.'" -Alfred Hitchcock
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." -Dave Barry
"The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you." -Kin Hubbard
"Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything." -Robert A. Heinlein
"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day." -Robert Frost
"Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing." -Anon.
"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." -Robert X Cringely
"I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham".-Bananas"
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." - Anonymous Manufacturer
" This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy". - Helen Hayes (at 73)
"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something." -- Plato
"Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value." -- Albert Einstein
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain
"Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood". --Oscar Wilde
"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend". --Martin Luther King, Jr.
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". --Gandhi
"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life." --Tommy Lasorda
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows". - Helen Keller
"You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. - Wayne Gretzky
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house". - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000." --Pete Incaviglia, baseball player, 1990
"That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."-- Jim Carrey
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." --George Burns
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." --John Lennon
"If you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG." --Jack Nicholson
"This American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it capitalism, call it what you will, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it." -- Al Capone
" Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left." --George Burns at age 90
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." --Elizabeth Taylor
"If you're going through hell, keep going." --Walt Disney
"Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is the Best." --Frank Zappa
"Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work." --Al Capone
"A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want." -- Madonna
"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler
" Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you 50,000 dollars for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul." -- Marilyn Monroe
"One man with courage is a majority."-- Thomas Jefferson
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." -- Muhammad Ali
"I never set out to hurt anybody deliberately unless it was, you know, important. Like a league game or something." --Dick Butkus
"I'm not smart enough to lie." -- Ronald Reagan
"You know the great thing about television? If anything important happens, anywhere in the world, ... you can always change the channel". -- Jim Ignatowsky (Taxi)
"There is nothing wrong with you that some Prozac and a polo mallet wouldn't fix". -- Woody Allen: the movie New York Murder Mystery
"Washington D.C. has lawyers like New York City has rats. I guess New York got to pick first". -- David Letterman (1994)
"A little sunlight is the best disinfectant". -- Justice Louis Brandeis
"Stop tolerating in your leaders what you would not tolerate in your friends". -- Michael Ventura
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats". -- Howard Aiken
"If the Catholic church couldn't stop Galileo, then governments won't be able to stop things now". -- Carlo de Benedetti of Olivetti on the folly of trying to regulate information technology.
"I'd rather have an ape for an ancestor than a bishop". -- Thomas Henry Huxley
"Obscenity is the last refuge of the inarticulate motherfucker" -- Bernard Levy
"We will have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than hate us". -- Golda Meir on peace between Israel and the Arabs.
"Do you realize that when Crown Price Abdula of Saudi Arabia arrived in Texas this week to meet with President Bush, he demanded that no female air traffic controller be allowed to land his flight. Hey Abdula, I don't think anybody from Saudi Arabia should be telling us how to land a jet anytime soon". -- Dennis Miller.
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all". -- Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead". -- Woody Allen
"I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand". -- Sir Edward Appleton
"People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure". -- Russel Baker
"If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'." -- Dave Barry
"It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them". -- Caron de Beaumarchais
"It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes". -- Sir Thomas Beecham
"Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying". -- Ingmar Bergman>br>"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling". -- Ambrose Bierce
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others". -- Ambrose Bierce
"I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill". -- Erma Bombeck
"The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were". -- David Brinkley
"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer". -- Victor Borge
"You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone". -- John Ciardi
"I find it rather easy to protray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me". -- John Cleese
"I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau
"The trouble with children is that they are not returnable". -- Quentin Crisp
"An appeal is when you ask one court to show it's contempt for another court". -- Finley Peter Dunne
"Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals". -- Finley Peter Dunne
"Instant gratification takes too long". -- Carrie Fisher
"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost". -- Gustave Flaubert
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing". -- Redd Foxx
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers". -- Gandhi
"People come to Washington believing it is the center of power. I know I did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a steering wheel that's not connected to an engine". -- Richard Goodwin
"I like a friend better for having faults that one can talk about". -- William Hazlitt
"There are more fools in the world than there are people". -- Heinrich Heine
"Death will be a great relief. No more interviews". -- Katherine Hepburn
"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop". -- Alfred Hitchcock
"I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig". -- Alfred Hitchcock
"There are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also there are more injuries at a football game". -- Alfred Hitchcock
"Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some". -- Alfred Hitchcock
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other". -- Eric Hoffer
"A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist". -- Elbert Hubbard
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else". -- Kin Hubbard
"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you". -- Kin Hubbard
"The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you". -- Kin Hubbard
"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune". -- Kin Hubbard
"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad". -- Aldous Huxley
"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted". -- Aldous Huxley
"Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter". -- W. R. Inge
"Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology". -- Clive James
"We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends". -- P.D. James
"Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies". -- Thomas Jefferson
"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault". -- Henry Kissinger
"Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos". -- Tony Kornheiser
"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible". -- Alfred A. Knopf
"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk". -- Fran Lebowitz
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome". -- Oscar Levant
"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless". -- Sinclair Lewis
"People will buy anthing that is 'one to a customer.'" -- Sinclair Lewis
"Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists". -- Norman Mailer
"Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers". -- Edward Shepherd Mead
"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has decended from man". -- H.L. Mencken
"Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them". -- H.L. Mencken
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it". -- Montaigne
"The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat". -- Ogden Nash
"Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected". -- Robert Orben
"Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect". -- Howard Ogden
"Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects". -- Lester Pearson
"A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination". -- Arthur Wing Pinero
"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic". -- Dan Rather
"It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks". -- Pierre August Renoir
" There ought to be one day -- just one -- where there is open season on senators". -- Will Rogers
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk". -- Rita Rudner
"Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting". -- George Sanders
"The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity". -- George Bernard Shaw
"Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrassment...They do everything but watch television". -- Lewis Thomas
"I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance -- a sharp, vindictive glance". -- James Thurber
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself". -- Mark Twain
"Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children". -- Mark Twain
"Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it". -- Mark Twain
"I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable". -- Mark Twain
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer". -- Mark Twain
"If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong". -- Mo Udall
"A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience". -- John Updike
"If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done". -- Peter Ustinov
"Muscles come and go; flab lasts". -- Bill Vaughan
"Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either". -- Gore Vidal
"Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck". -- Eli Wallach
"Actions lie louder than words". -- Carolyn Wells
"I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married". -- Shelley Winters
"All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening". -- Alexander Wolcott
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot". -- Steven Wright
"An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attourney can delay one even longer". -- Evelle J. Younger
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced". -- Frank Zappa
"It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, 'launder' became a dirty word". -- William Zinsser "
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake." - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)
"His ignorance is encyclopedic" - Abba Eban (1915-2002)
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." - e e cummings (1894-1962)
"Assassins!" - Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra
"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." - Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Discours de la Methode"
"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." - Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)
"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." - Edsgar Dijkstra
"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire (1694-1778)
"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." - H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
"I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right." - Frederick (II) the Great
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." - Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
"Black holes are where God divided by zero." - Steven Wright
"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth." - Umberto Eco
"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." - Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953
"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street." - Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan
"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." - G. B. Burgin
"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." - Will Durant
"It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti
"Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together." - Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks
"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience." - W.B. Prescott
"The mistakes are all waiting to be made." - chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position
"Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"What do you take me for, an idiot?" - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon." - Bill Hirst
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
"He who hesitates is a damned fool." - Mae West (1892-1980)
"Behind every great fortune there is a crime." - Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
"There is no sincerer love than the love of food." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking." - Katherine Cebrian
"Hell is a half-filled auditorium." - Robert Frost (1874-1963)
"I am become death, shatterer of worlds." - Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." - Thomas Jones
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"How can I lose to such an idiot?" - A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)
"He would make a lovely corpse." - Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia". Charles Schultz
" My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character". Charles Barkley , on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating", 1994 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it". Abbie Hoffman
"A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive". Bruce Friedman
" A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water". Sidney Goff
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up". Robert Frost
" (1874-1963) Don't stay in bed....unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
" Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history". George Bernard Shaw
"(1856-1950) If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it". H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
" - Life's Little Treasure Book, on wisdom If you can't convince them, confuse them". Harry S. Truman
" In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice". Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
" It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -- but that is the way to bet". Damon Runyan
" Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great". Mark Twain (1835-1910)
" Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it". Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
" Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well". Josh Billings
" Never judge a book by its movie. J. W. Eagan
" Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals". Cynthia Heimel
" Never practice two vices at once". Tallulah Bankhead
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig". Anonymous
"Start slow and taper off". Walt Stack , marathon runner
" Strength lies not in defense but in attack". Adolf Hitler
" There are a million ways to lose a work day, but not even a single way to get one back". Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister
" There is no point at which you can say, "Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap". Carrie Fisher
" We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified". Aesop
" Well done is better than well said". Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
" What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself". Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
" You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you". Rwandan Proverb
" You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency". W. Somerset Maugham
"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist". Indira Gandhi
" You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax--tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough". Pearl Williams
"In nature there are neither rewards nor punishment - there are consequences". Robert G. Ingersoll