Posted on 10/15/2001 10:52:09 AM PDT by joyce11111
The 911-B God-Evaluation Form
If you've ever watched TV, you know that choosing a financial advisor is very important. Do you want your retirement fund to go to zero very quickly, or only slowly? Others say it's also important to choose the right accountant or lawyer. (This is obvious nonsense: all accountants work for the IRS; all lawyers work for the Department of Justice.) But what everyone forgets are the really important decisions—like choosing which God to worship.
That's why we've prepared this friendly evaluation form. How do you know whether you are getting your money's/life's/misery's worth from your God? Should you fire your current God and employ another? This form will help clarify the necessary decision process.
1. My God requires me to devote one day a week in worship; namely, to
a. Keep Friday sacred.
b. Keep Saturday sacred.
c. Keep Sunday sacred.
e. Space out and free myself from Maya.
f. Have sex with my spiritual teacher.
h. Drink wine and engage in frenzied dancing.
g. Other
2. In order to get forgiveness for sins, I have to
a. Be baptized in the blood of Jesus.
b. Be baptized in the blood of a sacred bull.
c. Be baptized as a military martyr.
d. Do nothing: sin is good.
e. Have intercourse with a virgin.
f. Recognize that evil is an illusion.
g. Vote in the next election.
h. Other
3. Follwers of my God are known as
a. The chosen people.
b. Terrorists.
c. The children of light.
d. Devil-worshipers.
e. The Illuminati.
f. Barbarians.
g. Other
4. The name of my God's sacred scriptures is
a. The Necronomicon.
b. The Tanakh.
c. The New Testament.
d. The Kama Sutra.
e. A Brief History of Time.
f. The Book of the Law.
g. Other
5. The reward for serving my God is
a. An abundant life now but death later.
b. Misery in this life but happiness in the next.
c. Loss of individuality and absorption into the One
d. Reincarnation on a higher plane where I can pity the lepers.
e. The blood and loot of my conquered enemies.
f. Cramming Israel's foreign policy down gentile throats.
g. Winning the next election.
h. Other
6. Before qualifying for employment, my God has to (check all that apply):
a. Pass a urine test.
b. Have a valid social security number.
c. Create a rock so big he can't lift it.
d. Get me laid, as a show of good faith.
e. Have a government license.
f. Already work for all my neighbors.
g. Other
7. The appearance of my God must be
a. Anthropomorphic.
b. Theriomorphic.
c. Leary-omorphic.
d. Homomorphic.
e. Ithyphallic.
f. Nebulous.
g. Other
8. Physical alteration of my body required by my God includes
a. Various tattoos.
b. Circumcision.
c. A bone in my nose.
d. Breast implants and plastic surgery.
e. A frontal lobotomy.
f. Frequent shaving.
g. Other
9. My God measures sacred time with
a. A lunar calendar.
b. A solar calendar.
c. A stellar calendar.
d. The clock on my PC. e. Multiples of Planck time = 5.390x10^(-44).
f. Random chaotic bi-directional patterns.
g. Other
10. According to my God the universe
a. Was created in 6 days and 6 nights.
b. Looks more like a giant thought than a giant machine.
c. Was brought into being by the participation of those who participate.
d. Is an illusion created by my non-existence.
e. Is to be ignored since salvation takes place on earth.
f. Is imploding into a Big Crunch.
g. Other 11. The remuneration package I provide to my God includes
a. Ten percent of everything I earn.
b. Daily sacrifices of lambs and calves.
c. Whatever P2 can scam out of the banking system.
d. A negotiated percentage from the Temple of Astarte.
e. Control of the central bank.
f. Frequent use of my body.
g. Other
12. The sacred places of my God include (check all that apply):
a. The river Ganges.
b. Mecca.
c. Jerusalem.
d. The Skull & Bones frat house.
e. Orlando, Florida.
f. The Amsterdam Red Light district.
g. Other
13. The sacred food of my God includes
a. A transubstantiated wafer.
b. A transcendental equation.
c. A translucent blouse.
d. Pork.
e. Caviar.
f. Hot cross buns.
g. Other
14. The sacred drink of my God is
a. A pint of my own urine.
b. Mogan David wine.
c. Mushroom tea.
d. Hot blood from a fresh human sacrifice.
e. Any drink containing ayahausca.
f. Red Bull.
g. Other
15. Sacred clothes of my God include
a. A turban.
b. A yamulka.
c. A cowboy hat.
d. Crotchless panties.
e. A veil.
f. A black beret.
g. Other
16. According to my God we are all living in
a. The Kali Yuga.
b. The Reign of the Anti-Christ.
c. The best of all possible worlds.
d. An earthly prison.
e. The Star-Child incubator.
f. The enlightenment of modernity.
g. Other
17. My God's view of war is
a. Kill all gentiles.
b. Kill all infidels.
c. Kill all heathen.
d. To forgive my enemy, because my God is a crucified coward.
f. An armed society is a polite society.
g. Other
18. My God's view of sex is:
a. You are more holy if you don't have any.
b. It's a business.
c. Under the right circumstances, it allows you to see God.
d. It's nature's con game to replicate DNA.
e. It's more fun than cloning.
f. It's best performed on a church altar.
g. Other
19. My God's favorite dwelling place is
a. A crackerbox church.
b. A cathedral, making ample use of the golden ratio.
c. A mosque, making ample use of breastly contours.
d. A temple, making ample use of one-upmanship.
e. A cave, making ample use of sacred bones.
f. The heavens, making ample use of faster-than-light travel.
g. Other
20. I would fire my God for the following reasons (check all that apply):
a. Not answering my prayers.
b. Letting my loved one(s) die.
c. Failing to heal the sick. d. Failing to give my country victory in war.
e. Consistently lying to me.
f. Making frequent references to P.T. Barnum.
g. Other
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Magician is the author of the Jack Parsons story http://www.xs4all.nl/~kalliste/jack_parsons.htm. -30- from The Laissez Faire City Times, Vol 5, No 42, October 15, 2001 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a. Within me
b. A mountaintop in Central Asia
c. In a suburban shopping mall
d. No longer there since whitey burned it down
e. Behind the comet Kahoutek
f. Porcelain throne
g. Other
22) My God's preferred method of communication is:
a. Multiple voices within my head
b. Only accessible with a valid credit card and 1-900 number
c. Through the Rainbow Coalition
d. Pompadour-coiffed televangelist
e. e-mail
f. Speaking through pets (dog, cat, etc.)
g. Non-verbal violence (lightning and various natural disasters
h. Other
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