No one, NO ONE, tried to kill Lurch the Gigolo.
Why?
Because that chicken-lipped yellow back bastard never got even close to combat.
And when he was even relatively far, rest assured he got some real Navy sailers between him and anything dangerous.
His “wound” (requiring two, that’s TWO whole bandaids”) was probably administered by him.
Shove it up your slimy Obama-visited nether region, Lurch.