Well said.... Thanks for sharing.
“The “tests” I’ve failed, so to speak, stay with me and some haunt me”
You did not fail per se. The test is actually an experience where you are designed to recognize the strength beyond yourself. If you are not pushed beyond your own limits by perceiving failure you would not find your true strength that lies beyond yourself. Thus, your strength is only found in your weakness.
Recently I was given some "Patience Testing" over the course of the day, at Lowe's, in traffic, etc., and I "failed" a couple of them big time.
Now looking back, I didn't "see" it for what it was during the testing part, only later when I realized how badly I had reacted and behaved, even if no one saw it, and especially foolish when they had.
Then, in that state of mind, I even could see the humor of how some aspects had played out.
I'm sure it's always there in the details of every everyday event, but I only saw them in humbled reflection. Which is not usual for me and, in re-reading that, I think bad things about my self. lol...
A few days later, I got some more of the same tests, but this time I "saw" things differently in each moment than I had a few days earlier, and this time I enjoyed peace instead of frustration and anger. I even laughed at His sense of humor. Best Teacher ever!
I'm not sure I'm using the term correctly, but maybe I'll be a bit "weaker"(?) in each of the next round of testing's heat of the moment right from the start and "feel the Love" in each moment, rather than being so full of myself, instead.
Is that getting close to understanding what seems to be a paradox?