Rabbi Steinlauf and is soon-to-be-ex-wife, who is also a rabbi, Batya
Posted on 10/08/2014 10:58:19 AM PDT by Mrs. Don-o
Dear Rabbi Gil Steinlauf:
You sure made a splash yesterday when, as the senior rabbi of Adas Israel (the largest Conservative synagogue in Washington DC) you announced that you are divorcing your wife and coming out as gay.
In a letter to your congregation, you asked for its “continued trust in me to guide you as your spiritual leader as I truly am.”
Such assertions are common by LGBT people – that being gay is “who they are.” But it’s an unfortunate and very narrow construction of someone’s identity. Rabbi Steinlauf, “who you truly are” indeed involves your libido, sexual orientation, and desired family format.
But you are also your faith, your marriage (your wife is also a rabbi), your parenthood (you have three children), your politics (you’re a Zionist and a proponent of social justice), your community, your status as a role model, your profession (calling?), and your job. To decide that one important but ultimately secondary aspect of your identity is your very essence – to which everyone in your family, congregation, and community must adapt – is awfully selfish.
Worse, Rabbi, is your attempt to justify your decision with reference to our sacred texts. Your letter cites the great Talmudic personality Abaye saying a scholar whose inside does not match his outside is an abomination. Does anyone seriously believe that our sages of blessed memory would think a rabbi who opts to stay closeted is MORE abominable than one who leaves his wife to pursue intimate relationships with other men?
Please.
Steps like yours no doubt feel like the right thing to do for gay men in loveless marriages. But you’re not just any gay man. You’re one of the most important Jewish leaders in your city. Part of your job is to help model a loving Jewish family.
Leave aside homosexuality. What does your announcement say to the many men in your synagogue who are more sexually attracted to younger women than to their wives? I doubt you’d approve of a congregant breaking up his family to chase after his 28-year-old secretary.
Oh, but you say being attracted to men is “who you are.” Well, for a lot of heterosexual males, being attracted to younger women is “who they are” too, but we don’t give them dispensation to seek – casualties be damned – self-actualization.
I’m not telling you this as an Orthodox Jew to a Conservative one – or as a celibate gay man to one who wants to explore same-sex relationships. I speak as a coreligionist who is concerned about the impact your decision will inevitably have on the people around you.
Yes, you came out yesterday. That doesn’t mean you can’t “go back in” today. If you don’t, I recommend that Adas Israel start looking for a new senior rabbi.
Follow David Benkof on Facebook or E-mail him at DavidBenkof@gmail.com.
The devil and his sodomite minions are making progress. The only cure is the Truth!
Let us assume that he’s had a change of orientation during his marriage, for whatever reason he has had a change.
How does that change his vow to his wife who agreed to invest her life in him?
It is interesting that this delusional event is seen as reality and not able to be treated or tested.
Let us assume that he’s had a change of orientation during his marriage, for whatever reason he has had a change.
_________________
If you say, he had a delusional psychosis that the culture treats as normal...
It doesn't. Nothing but his or her death obviates his vow.
He is a selfish selfish miserable excuse for a husband, father and man and I hope he falls down a sewer or has an immediate Damascus road experience. satan, may he be cursed, has taken over his soul.
And that Truth can be found in the TORAH. It will not be found anywhere else.
So you’re supposed to stay married to someone who beats you to a pulp after getting drunk and/or high?
There’s no such thing as a female “rabbi.” For that matter, there’s no such thing as a Reform, Conservative, or Reconstructionist “rabbi.”
According to stats, only about 1/5 of divorces is due to abuse. That would mean that only about 10% of marriages would end in divorce, if that was the main reason for it.
In this case, the man was not divorcing his wife because of this. He was divorcing his wife because he chose to not honor the marriage and stay committed to her, despite that she was willing to stay committed to him even though he wasn’t being a full husband to her.
Marriage is bigger than an individual’s wants. It’s ok to not choose marriage, if you’re the type of person who considers his needs above other people, it really is ok to say no to the institution.
However, if you’ve chosen to commit yourself to another person, than being able to prioritize one’s path to happiness is over at that point. It is the other person’s needs that matters most, not yours.
And any baggage they have is now yours. I can barely take care of myself so I’m not willing to take on another person’s problems.
Just sayin’.
There is nothing wrong with being celibate if you’re not in position to help another person grow.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.