Viva La France - French Military History in a Nutshell (Including *WAR ON TERRORISM*)

[Happy2BMe]

Currently making the rounds in the military community: The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.

[Happy2BMe]

France's legacy as a bastion of liberty has caught up with her.

From the beaches of Normandy to the halls of the U.N. - France has run - and America has not.

France has many close allies in the Democratic Party of the United States.

[TeleStraightShooter]

LOL - BUMP

[noutopia]

Those frogs are jumpy.

[Happy2BMe]

How history will tell the story:

A. The U.N. sent inspectors into Iraq to find weapons of mass destruction - the same WMD Saddamn said he did not have. Forming new alliances, France, Germany, and Belgium, continually sought prolonged inspection times in their attempts to restrain the U.S. and Britian from attacking Saddam. The U.N. Council repeatedly ruled in thir favor.

B. Saddamn, while insisting (and convincing France, Germany, and Belgium) he had no WMD, at the same time threatened the U.S. and Britian to destroy them (WITH THE SAME WMD HE CLAIMED NOT TO HAVE) if they attacked Iraq.

C. The United States and Britian agreed that Saddamn had not complied with U.N. resolution 1440, had WMD, then attacked and removed Saddamn from power to prevent him (or other terrorists) from using them.

D. After the U.S. and Britian attacked Iraq, vast stores of WMD, chemical, biological, and yes - even some nuclear - were uncovered by the prevailing U.S. and British forces.

E. Saddamn and his two sons were tried before a U.N. tribunal and unaimously found to be enemies of minkind perptetuating mass murders on their own people of magnitudes and ferociouceness not seen since Adolph Hitler's actions created the word "genocide." They were summarily executed by firing squads for their crimes against humanity.

F. The Democrats in the United States had their worst election returns in the 2004 elections in that party's history.

G. George W. Bush was elected president for a second term in 2004 by the largest landslide in U.S. history.

H. Ditto for Tony Blair.

I. Hillary Clinton was defeated for his (grin) bid for reelection in New York State.

J. Thanks to the "footdragging" tactics of France and Germany througout the entire world crisis, the United Nations was made to be a laughing stock of historical proportions and was deemed irrelevent and impotent and consequently vaporized into nothingness as did it's predecessor - The League of Nations.

[Simmy]

Here we go again...and its still funny. ;-)

Gotta love Frances' "proud" military history of surrender.

[JSteff]

"Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. "
LOL

[JSteff]

"They were summarily executed by firing squads for their crimes against humanity."

Firing squads are for military people, terrists are criminals and deserve only to be hung or beheaded like the animals they are.

[Happy2BMe]

BTT

[Happy2BMe]

-

[Missouri]

There was one battle in which the French/Franks won that should be mentioned. The Battle of Pointers (Tours) in which Charles Martel stoped the Islamic Blitzkrieg in 732 AD.

[dfwgator]

He forgot the sinking of the unmanned Greenpeace ship "Rainbow Warrior."

[Happy2BMe]

"There was one battle in which the French/Franks won that should be mentioned. The Battle of Pointers (Tours) in which Charles Martel stoped the Islamic Blitzkrieg in 732 AD."

I'm familiar with the battle at Tours, but somehow using the words "France," "Islam," and "blitzkrief" all in the same sentence seem to become oxymoronic.

[Missouri]

>>but somehow using the words "France," "Islam," and "blitzkrief" all in the same sentence seem to become oxymoronic.<<


How so? Is there sarcasm involved?

[Happy2BMe]

Tours happened in 732. The Blitzkrieg in 1939. Only 1207 years difference.

The battle of Tours ended when the French captured and killed Abd-er Rahman. The Moslem army withdrew peacefully overnight and even though Martel expected a surprise retaliation, there was none. For the Moslems, the death of their leader caused a sharp setback and they had no choice but to retreat back across the Pyrenees, never to return again.

While the French did fight valiantly at Tours (hey - it was that or extinction), the Muslims likely would have conquered them had it not been for their leader being slain in the battle.

France has a long legacy of "not-so-great" valor.

Chirac is owning up to that legacy in true French fasion.

[Happy2BMe]

BUMP

[Tennessean4Bush]

ROTFLMAO BTTT!!!

[Happy2BMe]

A G.I. Letter Home - 'The French' - With Friends Like That, Who Needs Enemies!?

[katherineisgreat]

OK Joan of Arc wasn't crazy.. but aside from that I totally agree.

[Fiddlstix]

Bump

[Happy2BMe]

A Union Made In HELL!

How history will tell the story:

A. The U.N. sent inspectors into Iraq to find weapons of mass destruction - the same WMD Saddamn said he did not have. Forming new alliances, France, Germany, and Belgium, continually sought prolonged inspection times in their attempts to restrain the U.S. and Britian from attacking Saddam. The U.N. Council repeatedly ruled in thir favor.

B. Saddamn, while insisting (and convincing France, Germany, and Belgium) he had no WMD, at the same time threatened the U.S. and Britian to destroy them (WITH THE SAME WMD HE CLAIMED NOT TO HAVE) if they attacked Iraq.

C. The United States and Britian agreed that Saddamn had not complied with U.N. resolution 1440, had WMD, then attacked and removed Saddamn from power to prevent him (or other terrorists) from using them.

D. After the U.S. and Britian attacked Iraq, vast stores of WMD, chemical, biological, and yes - even some nuclear - were uncovered by the prevailing U.S. and British forces.

E. Saddamn and his two sons were tried before a U.N. tribunal and unaimously found to be enemies of minkind perptetuating mass murders on their own people of magnitudes and ferociouceness not seen since Adolph Hitler's actions created the word "genocide." They were summarily hung for their crimes against humanity. Regrettably the knots where incorrectly tied and the distance of the drop was not sufficient to break their necks. They swung and kicked for almost thirty minutes before strangling to their infamous historical deaths.

F. The Democrats in the United States had their worst election returns in the 2004 elections in that party's history.

G. George W. Bush was elected president for a second term in 2004 by the largest landslide in U.S. history.

H. Ditto for Tony Blair.

I. Hillary Clinton was defeated for his (grin) bid for reelection in New York State.

J. Thanks to the "footdragging" tactics of France and Germany througout the entire world crisis, the United Nations was made to be a laughing stock of historical proportions and was deemed irrelevent and impotent and consequently vaporized into nothingness as did it's predecessor - The League of Nations.

Viva La France - French Military History in a Nutshell (Including *WAR ON TERRORISM*)