LOL. Such a way with words.
Oh....and back off, she's mine! 
Posted on 12/04/2002 1:06:04 PM PST by PJ-Comix
I'MMMMMMMMM BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
Yes, after an absence of over a year, I'm back with my Al Gore At The Movies reviews. You might be wondering why I took such a long break. Well, there are a couple of reasons.
One big reason for my prolonged absence was that the movies that were coming out in the Summer of 2001 really sucked bigtime. The last movie I was supposed to review was the Planet Of The Apes remake. I just didn't have it in me to review such a horrible flick. But just to make up for lost time, here is my quickie review of the Planet Of The Apes remake:
"YOU MANIACS! YOU RUINED IT WITH A CRAPPY REMAKE! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
That was my reaction to the flick back then when I glumly went to the beach after watching Planet Of The Apes and screamed those very words while angrily pounding the wet sand with my fist. As to my other reason for returning to the Al Gore At The Movies reviews—PUBLICITY! This goes hand in hand with my other project—the photo book I put together with Tipper: Joined At The Lips. Yeah, I know Joined At The Lips ranks below about 2000 on Amazon.Com but, like I hope happens with these movie reviews, it gives me lots of free publicity for my impending presidential run.
Yes, you read it right. I finally decided to run for President again. Of course, in public I keep claiming that I'll make my announcement after the holidays but who are we kidding here? We all know what my decision is going to be.
As I told Larry King the other night after we arrived late at the CNN studios for the interview, Tipper and I are just so happy to now be living the lives of ordinary citizens. In fact, that's why I was late showing up for the interview—because I had to drive my own car through heavy traffic. No more chauffeured limo and police escort to whisk me through the traffic. Now I have to enjoy the everyday rhythms of traffic patterns stuck behind some DUMB ASSHOLE who can't figure out that a light with a green arrow means it's okay to make a left turn. Being stuck in traffic in traffic is a new and thrilling experience for Tipper and me. I just can't tell you the joy of sitting around waiting for some LOUSY BITCH to learn how to parallel park so the traffic can flow again.
Think I don't have a hell of a lot of ROAD RAGE in me when I was trapped in heavy traffic on my way to the Larry King interview and later trying to reach the Tonight Show? You're damn right I have it. And what makes my Road Rage even worse is the realization that it could have been so narrowly averted if ONLY I picked up an extra 537 votes in Florida.
Yeah, 537 extra Florida votes and no sitting in heavy traffic with Tipper while trying to hock a shlocky photo book on Larry King in order to prepare for another run for the White House. Hell, if only I didn't evict that white trash family from my rental house I could have won my own Tennessee and avoided these damn traffic jams. Allowing those lowlifes to toss beercans all over the front yard and pee in the bushes would have been a small price to pay in exchange for becoming the resident of that house on Pennsylvania Avenue for which I have devoted every ounce of my energy ever since Dada put me on display for his senatorial colleagues as some sort of political Wonder Boy.
But I'm not obsessed over so very narrowly losing the 2000 election. I can assure you I'm NOT upset that some little bratty Cuban kid, against all odds, floated over to our shores and ended up turning way more than 537 Florida votes against me when Janet Reno raided his uncle's home in Miami. I don't think like that. I just don't wake up in a cold sweat every LOUSY NIGHT thinking about those 537 oh so elusive votes that kept me from being the leader, for which I was practically anointed at birth, of the most powerful nation in the world.
As I stated earlier, Tipper and I are just so happy to be living the dull life of ordinary shmoes. So just because I now live in a columned White House in Tennessee and wake up every morning to an alarm clock that plays Hail To The Chief, does not mean that every pore of my being aches to be the Commander-In-Chief even though I richly deserve to be, DAMN IT!!!
Now you (and everybody else) know my secret. Al Gore is back in action again and is running for President! WOO HOO!
There is only one downside to my impending candidacy—I don't have a chance in hell of winning the presidential election in 2004. So why run?—Because it beats not running. At least Al Gore the Candidate gets into the limelight which sure as hell beats the tedium of being just an ordinary unknown citizen. And don't think I won't make the most of my opportunity this time around.
Since I know there is absolutely NO possibility of winning in 2004, I'm going to milk my final foray into the public eye for every bit of FUN I can get out of it. I will be turning myself into the Jackass of politics (ironic that the Jackass is the symbol of my party) and perform the political equivalent of skateboarding into a solid wall just like the Jackass of TV and the movies.
Remember that first debate in 2000 when I got caught on camera huffing and puffing and shaking my head in disdain at W? I panicked when I saw the negative reaction to my performance and, as a result, cooled it big time in the second debate to the point where I let W walk all over me even though I wanted to tear his head off. I won't be making that mistake the next time around. I'm going to pull every Jackass stunt on the debate stage.
I'll take my cue from what Jerry Lewis did to Dean Martin on the old Colgate Comedy Hour on TV. Dean Martin would attempt to sing his songs while Jerry would constantly interrupt him and mug for the camera. That's exactly what I'm going to do. Whenever W answers a question, I'm going to jump in front of him and make all kinds of disgusting noises including loud belching.
In the third debate with W I was criticized for standing so closely to him and invading his space. "Invading his space?" Wait until you see me debate W the next time around! Not only will I "invade his space" but I'll invade his back when I hop onto it screaming while going for a presidential piggyback ride on the debate stage. Ride 'em, Georgie! And then, just like what Jerry did to Dean, I'll run around behind the TV camera and shove it an inch from W's face while he's talking.
You're probably wondering if I will carry out these wild antics only after I get nominated. The answer is NO WAY. In fact, it will be my crazy behavior that will ensure me the Democrat nomination. Just look at the reaction of the Democrats to their losing control of the Senate and the loss of several seats in the House. Their solution for these losses was to GO LEFT as illustrated by their choice of that far Left Congressperson from San Francisco, La Pelosionara, to lead them in Congress.
Of course, the Democrats won't be winning many elections with such a tactic but the next presidential nominee will be chosen based on how far Left he is. And, believe me, nobody is going to be further Left than Al Gore in the next election. I'll out Commie-Lib them all!
You say you're a Liberal? Well, I'm a Progressive.
Oh, now you claim to be a Progressive? Okay, then I'm a Socialist.
So you're following suit and calling yourself a Socialist? Hey, I'm a COMMUNIST!
You have the guts to declare yourself a Communist? Then I'm a FRIGGIN' BOLSHEVIK!!!
TOP THAT, COMRADE!
Yes, Al Gore is going where no Democrat has (publicly) dared go before—all the way to the extreme Left. I'll be so far to the Left that Barbra Streisand will break out into multiple orgasms whenever she hears me speak. Not even that other Wild and Crazy Al, Al Sharpton, can top me in the weirdness department. I'm just gonna let 'er rip and let the chips fall where they may in my next campaign.
Yup! Your Al Gore is now a Rebel WITH A Cause. And my cause is to have a lot of FUN in the next campaign while exacting revenge on W by making him embarrassed as hell to even have to share the same stage as me. Of course, it will mean not only my loss in 2004 but also that of my entire party as I take them down the electoral tubes with me. But what a wild ride it will be as I perform the equivalent of driving off a Malibu cliff on a political Chicky Run while taking the Democrat party over the side with me as my unwilling passengers.
Hmmmm….. Rebel WITH A Cause reminds me of something. Oh yeah, now I remember. This is supposed to be a movie review. And the movie I'm reviewing this week is Frida, which is about the life of a one-eyebrowed, commie-lib, Mexican artist chick of the same name—Frida Kahlo.
Yes, Frida was a COMMUNIST and so was her husband, the toad-like Mexican muralist, Diego Rivera. Actually Diego was a Trotskyite Commie which, according to the movie, was sort of like a kinder, gentler Communist.
So Diego, you were a Trotskyite? Well, then I'm a STALINIST! TOP THAT, FATSO!!!
Oops! I'm not running against Diego Rivera so no need to go even further Left than him. Come to think of it, the movie doesn't even make clear why Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo were Communists except for some statement by Diego that all artists back then were Communists. Apparently, back in the 1920s and the 1930s, the best way for an artist to go to kewl parties, get drunk, and meet lots of hot chix was to become a Commie. Nowadays it really doesn't pay to be a Commie anymore unless you want to be a university professor or the 2004 Democratic Party presidential candidate.
I really liked Frida. Both the way her and Diego Rivera's artworks were displayed (often segueing from flat art to real people) would be appreciated even by those right-wing Fifth Columnist Freepers from the FreeRepublic.Com who have been plaguing me so much recently. I can only describe the art presented in Frida as an example of post-modernist zeitgeist. I'm not sure what that means but I sure do like tossing those fancy words around......
Due to the risque nature of the rest of the review, you can find the rest of it HERE.
....And don't sprain your finger too badly when you hit the Mouse button.
I wonder what all of those chicano/a scholars think about the fact that the Frida that they embrace was the daughter of a Hungarian Jew and a Mexican mother. Oh, they never mention it! There are Kahlos in Wisconsin who are indeed related to her.
I think Jennifer Connolly is the most beautiful woman in movieland. And I've respected Alfred Molina as an actor since Sally Field's "Not Without my Daughter".
Uh, make that "was". Have you see her lately? Somebody needs to feed her at least a dozen Big Macs to put the flesh back on her skeletal frame.
What about Selma Hayek? You always here her described as a Mexican/Hispanic (HERspanic?)too,but I believe Hayek is a Hungarian or Czech name.
Actually her father is Lebanese and her mother is Mexican and together they produced the incredible shishkebab that is Salma. BTW, a lot of the Mexican upper class is composed of people whose mothers were Mexican and fathers/grandfathers were from other countries. Mexico's own Presidente Fox is an example (Irish grandfather).
Ok,but I still believe Hayek is a Hungarian name. Could be his parents came to Lebanon from Hungary.
LOL. Such a way with words.
Oh....and back off, she's mine!
Not a very likely immigration route.
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