ROCKVILLE, MARYLAND- In what appears to be an utterly random series of attacks, an unknown sniper has been roaming Southern Maryland and Virginia shooting perhaps as many as eight people, killing six. Unable to do much to protect Marylanders, Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose recommended that residents stay indoors, preferably in the fetal position, under a heavy blanket of fear.
"This is just like a snow day or something," said mother of two Maureen Billiard of Bowie. "It's just the right time of year for this, too. The leaves are turning, and the air is getting chilly enough to make folks want to stay inside, perfect weather for snuggling under a warm, cozy blanket of fear."
By Wednesday the news media was buzzing with sensitive leaks and questions about police procedure. As expected Police Chief Moose was less than thrilled. "I'd like to remind you that law enforcement in this part of the country is top-notch. Violent crimes do not go by without being solved- as long as you forget about anthrax, the Chandra Levy thing, and roughly seven out of ten homicides."
In what appeared to be the most intriguing break in the case so far, investigators confirmed on Wednesday that they had, in fact, discovered a Tarot Card near the crime scene with the words "I am God" written on the back. Immediately FBI experts began developing a sophisticated profile of the assailant to aid in the hunt for the Maryland Sniper. According to the contents of a leaked profiler's report, law enforcement officials are about to issue an all points bulletin for God.
There is also the issue of defacing a Tarot card, an act that shows that this person is not afraid of pissing off Gypsies. This insight, it seems, also points to a Supreme Being of some sort or a carnie.
"On behalf of Maryland law enforcement, I want to say for the record that we were not being defensive in our earlier statement about the press. We assert that it is you, the press, who are being defensive."
FBI agents have urged residents to maintain their sense of paranoia and suspicion cultivated after last year's terrorist attacks. They fear that Americans, in their rush to get on with their lives and enjoy themselves, may have lost their edge.
"Anxiety-induced paralysis is the only proper reaction to a situation like this," said one agent. "If you leave your house, the sniper wins."
Marylanders have responded by snapping up the extra-thick 50/50 Cotton/Poly blend fear blankets for $9.99 a pop [online, of course]. A wide variety of colors. Supplies are limited.
"Okay, I'm not going to say this again. We're not going to defend ourselves against charges of being defensive, an act that would be, by definition, defensive. Asking us to pause in our investigation to address the issue is, quite frankly, indefensible. My brain hurts."
Frustrated and out of credible leads, Moose has reportedly sought advice from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the issue of difficult-to-apprehend perpetrators. Rumsfeld allegedly told the police chief to relax and let the trail go cold. As long as there are no more shootings in the next few days, police will just assume that the sniper, whoever he or she is, has died somehow. Crime solved.
FBI Director Robert Mueller had a bit of advice for conducting an investigation on a budget: if the case seems to be stalled, just pick a suspect at random and let the media do the legwork for you.
Sources close to the Chief say he has his fingers crossed and resume up-to-date.
