not even remotely funny dude.
K
Next time grab it by the scruff. It will freeze.
Then, using a clothes pin or any like device that solidly squeezes, put it on the scruff.
The cat will stay frozen until you remove the device.
I had a cat like this. It was suffering get from cancer and frequent needed transporting to the vet.
I used those metal clips you buy at an office supply store, for holding and securing large amounts of paper, when stapling is impossible due to the volume.