She told me shortly before our 10th wedding anniversary. When she told me, quite a few things clicked in my head as to why we were having some of the issues we were having. Intimacy has always been an issue.
I was getting ready to leave her and file for divorce when she became pregnant with our first son. Then we had a second son and I stuck it out for them. For awhile, things got better between us. We've always been "friends" with each other but the other side of our marriage has never been good. I mean NEVER.
My oldest is in college, youngest graduates high school next June. I've been tolerating 'batshit crazy' mode for about two years now. In the last six months it's gotten MUCH worse. Marriage counseling, suggesting she see a doctor (hormone therapy) and other suggestions have largely fallen on deaf ears. Everything's my fault. She's hot/burning up: my fault. House is hot: my fault. Hot outside: my fault. All her regrets for decisions she made on her own that impacted our family: my fault.
Not sure I'm going to make it to the other side of menopause with this woman and I really don't think it's going to get any better. Been praying for divine intervention in our marriage for forever and it's not happening.
How much longer am I supposed to wait for her to figure it out that not everything is my fault? (That's not gonna happen ...)
I'm 54 years old, I make a VERY good living and even if she takes half of everything (which she will....) I still don't have to worry financially. At this point, my only decision is am I better off leaving her and living out the rest of my life single, or am I better off leaving her and hoping I find someone not so batshit crazy as she is who may actually have the capacity to love someone else?
Here's the worst part of it all: I know I'm married to someone who because of what they've been through, she doesn't have the capacity or capability to love someone else. Not one but TWO counselors have told me that about her. She's so compartmentalized her sexual abuse that she doesn't see how her actions impact every other aspect of her life (and they do.). She has zero close relationships. Not me, not our two sons, no one.
And I've been with her for 30 years. 36 if you count the time we were dating. That's 36 years of my life that I spent 100% dedicated to this woman, willing to DIE for her, that I won't get back.
Am I bitter? Actually, no. I'm sad and resigned to my situation. I'm more or less just waiting for my moment to say I've had enough and I'm leaving. When our two sons ask why, she can either tell them the truth, or I will.
That's just the way it is. Sadly, I know so many men that are in the exact same position I am. I really think you women have no clue how so many of us married men are just fed up with the states of our marriages. I used to think it was the cowards who left their wives. Now I think it's the cowards who stay. The brave ones venture back out on our own.
I dated a gal with a similar circumstance, abused by an uncle at a young age, lost her father at a young age.
She was totally unpredictable from one day to another, she turned out to be functional alcoholic, and she would sleep with EVERYONE when she got drunk (which was all the time) to find self worth.
One day she just walked away, never said a word just bailed.
It was a good thing because she is a walking time bomb/disaster..
I learned that you cant save people, just yourself.
Hang in there.
Dude, after being with someone for 36 years, the person is who they are. Nothing is going to change. You need to make a call. Either (A) you accept the situation as is and live with it until you die. Or (B) bail and start your life over. You’re in your early 50’s and you’ve got money from what you’re telling me. That is a recipe for a smoking hot trophy wife in their 20s-30s.
You’re in a much better situation than what you think.
Well, I am sad for you, too. She sounds a bit like my ex daughter in law. Psychologically and emotionally crippled but won’t get help. The crazy part took over quickly and she ran away before their 2nd anniversary. Easy divorce when nobody knows where she is.
I hope you find true happiness.
(And as a side note, I want to put all my daughters into a convent after reading this thread)