After wading through the sarcasm, I was able to see your point. But I think the key is holding time. If you're holding a good index fund for 10+ years, the odds are in your favor. Add to that annually rebalancing, rotating out of stocks and into bonds as you get older, and you should be OK, OK meaning you'll probably do better there than those in bank CD’s.
But I do note the “probably” in the above. For some folks, that's not good enough, and I respect that.