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HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1- Most Blues songs begin with: “Woke up this morning...”.
The second line usually has to do with something bad happening, like,
“Woke up this morning . . . rain was pouring down.”

2- You can start off with something like “Got a good woman (or man)”,
but only if you stick something nasty in the next line like,
“Got a good woman . . . meanest face in town.”

3- Blues songs have to be simple.
After you get the first line down, just repeat it.
“Got a good woman . . . meanest face in town.”
“Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.”

4- Next, put in something that at least sort-of rhymes like,
“Got a good woman . . . meanest face in town.”
“Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.”
“Got teeth like a beaver, and she weighs 500 pounds.”

5-The Blues is not about choice.
If you are stuck in a ditch, then you are stuck in a ditch.
Whatever it is, there is no way out of the situation you are in.

6- A Blues car can be a Chevy, Ford, Cadillac, or a broken-down truck.
Blues songs do not involve traveling in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Blues NEVER go on the northbound train.
Jet aircraft and car-pools ain’t even in the running.
Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin’ to die.

7- Teenagers can’t sing the Blues because they ain’t fixin’ to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues, and “adulthood” means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

8- Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

9- Many things are relative to the situation.
A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Losing your leg from a skiing accident is not the blues.
Losing your leg ‘cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

10- You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

11- Good places for the Blues:
a. on or beside a highway
b. in the jailhouse
c. in an empty bed
d. at the bottom of a whiskey glass

12- Bad places for the Blues:
a. FAO Swartz
b. art gallery opening
c. Ivy League institution
d. golf course

13- Appearance matters. You can’t sing the Blues if you are wearing a suit,
‘lessen you have been sleeping in it for the last 6 months.

14- Only the following persons can actually sing the Blues:
a. you older than dirt
b. you can’t be satisfied
c. you be blind,
d. you shot a man in Memphis

15- You are not able to sing the Blues if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

16- Blues is not a matter of color; it is a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods can’t sing the blues, unless he goes blind or shoots a man in Memphis.
“Po white people also got a leg up on the blues.

17- If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, that’s the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

18- The following beverages have no place in a Blues song:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

19- If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair and dying all alone - on a broken down cot - in the rain.
You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

20- Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

21- Some Blues names for men:
a. Willie
b. Little Willie
c. Big Willie
d. Old Willie
e. Joe

22- Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Heather, Todd, Ken, or Bruce can’t sing the Blues
no matter how many men they might shoot in Memphis.

23- Make up your own Blues name:
a. Pick a name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
c. Select a fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
d. Select a last name of a famous President (Jefferson, Lincoln, Washington, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Lemon Johnson, or
Lazy-eye Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe that is stretching it a bit...)