I suffered severe depression in my early 20’s. Not just mental but physical. It was a real nightmare but I always knew there was something wrong with me. That it wasn’t my life. I used to think many times how much I could be enjoying myself if it wasn’t for the depression. But I never was suicidal. There were times I wanted to be put in suspended animation but I never wanted to kill myself. Anti-depressants worked for me. It just took a long time to find out that I required the maximum dose. Unfortunately, many times they can make you feel worse before they finally kick in. Too many people stop taking them before they have a chance to be effective.
I have the same experiences. There were many times I wanted to cease to exist, yet I knew that is not possible. Thankfully, my religious upbringing was the one thing I had to hold on to. I knew death is not an end, but a new beginning; my life is not mine to end. Anti-depressants saved my life in more ways than one.
Now, in my early 60s, I have a wonderful marriage, true contentment and happiness. Sometimes there is a trip through to hell get to a good place.