In other news...
Introducing the IntelliPotty.
Beware the next time you visit the restroom as your actions and bodily functions could very well be monitored and recorded. The new IntelliPotty will record the following: what function you performed, the amount and consistency of your excretions, how long your “activities” took, whether you used toilet paper, how much TP you used, whether you flushed...OR NOT, whether you raised or lowered the lid and ring, and whether you used the in-room exhaust fan to rid the air of any “foul” odors. Using a cellular device, this information will be transmitted to a location as designated by the commode owner.
Upgraded IntelliPotty units will even be able to analyze the “deposits” for drug use, cholesterol level, and other medical issues. One of the more controversial capabilities disclosed by the manufacturer is the unit’s ability to take a user’s DNA sample. Some units will use the old fashioned flush levers... and will take fingerprint readings as the user flushes with the handle.
And, don’t even think about lighting up a cigarette while hoping to catch a few private minutes on the “porcelain throne”...as EVERY unit has a reverse flush function should smoke be detected. Your sports pages would definitely be ruined should the reverse function be activated.
You made that all up, didn’t you? Didn’t you?