No destruction, no smoking ruins, no wailing and gnashing of teeth?
Posted on 09/21/2004 8:17:49 PM PDT by zaq12
After much soul-searching and serious contemplation about the upcoming election for President of the United States, I, Adam Fellbur have decided to endorse John Kerry for the nation's highest office. I believe that this is the most important election in the last 10 years. It is the responsibility of each and every celebrity to give back to the country that has given us so much. Playing a central role in this important election is the least we can do. After all, we are Americans first and celebrities second.
Recently several other famous celebrities including Bruce Springsteen have gone on record with an endorsement for Mr. Kerry. While Bruce and I have not seen eye to eye on a number of issues in the past, as two Americans "Born in the U.S.A.," I am pleased to say that Bruce and I stand together on this one.
Over the past few months I have been wrapped up in production on my new reality show "Life After Skippy," which I think (fingers crossed) is going to be a big big hit. This project, which is discussed in detail on www.adamfellbur.com, sort of picks up where my 1969 sit-com "Life With Skippy" (I was one of the stars) left off. I can assure the American public, that the timing of this endorsement and my coinciding up-coming reality TV show are purely unrelated and that this announcement was in no way solicited by the Kerry campaign. However, if some of my celebrity exposure should shine a light on John Kerry and put him in the White House, making the world a safer place, all the better.
I will also be appearing at the Cherry Hill Nostalgia Expo on November 11th and 12th from 11 to 5. This is always a fun show to do. The Jersey fans are always so nice. Some places give you a hard time about charging $5 for an autographed B&W photo and $8 for a color 8x10 but not Jersey. Depending on the mood of the crowd, I might be convinced to do a Life With Skippy scene reencatment. The last time we did this, In Buffalo I think, went over huge. Again, I will have to play it by ear.
And yes, Life With Lincoln, the musical I am working on is going swimmingly. I am really excited about this. I am currently putting the finishing touches on the assignation scene. I thought the original assignation was far too negative and feel that audiences will appreciate a more positive approach to the murder of Lincoln. Well have to wait and see but I am very, very hopeful.
And yes, I am very comfortable with my decision given John Kerry's life of selfless public service. Having spent seven years in a Vietnamese POW camp would have done in a lesser man. Not John Kerry. Given my own experiences in Hollywood I know what he must have gone through. Returning to this country with an armful of awards, Mr. Kerry dedicated himself to the business world, where he, from scratch, built up the Heinz ketchup company into the giant corporation it is today. I can say that from my experience in television, it is not easy to be the driving force behind something so successful.
Over the past few days, I have left a number of messages for John Kerry at his campaign headquarters to discuss campaign strategy. I have full confidence that with myself and other influential personalities as his advisors, we can be a major boost for the Kerry Presidential campaign. See you in the White House.
http://www.adamfellbur.com
Who the heck is Adam Fellbur?
And why the heck did you post this?
Relax and read what Adam wrote, he is obviously engaging in satire.
Welcome to FR
Well, this statement has all the spontaneity of a bad soap opera.
Viking kittens to the front!
Thanks for the heads up. It was so realistic at the beginning I stopped reading. Sorry Mr. Postman.
My guess? Zaq12.
We'll see if he/she replies to anything posted....
My Political Awakening At The Baldwin Fundraiser
Oh, my God! My eyes have finally been opened!
You may be wondering what could inspire such an exclamation. Well, if you attended the recent Democratic fund-raiser in Hollywood that I did, you would certainly share my excitement. It was hosted by Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, and it really changed my life.
If you are a fan of Xena - Warrior Princess, you may be familiar with my work. I was recently added to the cast as Norvak The Peevish. Before that, my only film role was that of Maurice, the gay neighbor with a heart of gold in “To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday”. Although I only had one line - “Is your dog spayed?”, my emotional delivery led to my landing the role on Xena, America’s eleventh highest rated weekly show in syndication!
Now that I am something of a star, I received a personal invitation from the Hollywood Assistant Director of Democratic Fundraising. Following the advice of my agent, I immediately had my Dad wire the $5,000 mandatory donation, and sent my RSVP back.
Now, I have to admit that I’ve never really followed politics much. I mean, I knew that Ronald Reagan was the meanest President ever, and his Vice-President Quayle was really stupid. (I wasn’t completely ignorant!) But ever since Bill Clinton beat those guys in the election (twice!!), I kinda felt that everything was going really well and I didn’t need to worry. This weekend’s fundraiser really woke me up.
As soon as I entered, I could feel a special warmth from all the participants. Ms. Basinger personally greeted each of us at the door. I was trembling with excitement as I made my way down the receiving line. I was sure she wouldn’t know who I was, so imagine my surprise when she took my hand and said, “Welcome, I really admire your work.” I couldn’t believe how sincere she was. The guy behind me was even more impressed that she knew him. His only screen credit was a crowd scene in “My Giant”. She really made us feel at home.
Once everyone was enjoying cocktails, Kim (I call her Kim, now) gave a brief overview of the menu. I was already enjoying the fo-grass, so imagine my surprise when I found out it was vegetarian fo-grass. She went on to describe how they make real fo-grass. If I recall correctly, she said it was made out of cow brains. They make the cows live in a little box and force feed them to make their brains bigger. Now, I know eating steaks and bacon isn’t really nice to cows, but hey, we can’t all be Sister Teresa. Eating their brains, however, is really cruel. I don’t know how anyone could do that!
I didn’t really hear much of the rest of what Kim said, because by that time, I was standing next to a vision of loveliness. “How do you like the fo-grass?” she drawled in a somewhat realistic southern accent. I thought, “Think of something clever, Andre. Reel this bird in!” But all I could say was, “Good.”
She ignored my initial shyness, and continued, “I’m Tiffany. Are you into politics?”
I was determined to keep her interest - so I lied, “Yes, in fact, I used to work for a senator.”
“Oh,” she seemed impressed, “Which one?”
How could I not have seen that question coming? “Think,” I thought, “Think politics. You must know one senator.” Finally I came up with a name - “Senator Washington.” At first, I wasn’t even sure if there really was a Senator Washington (I told you, I don’t follow politics).
Of course, she had heard of him. She was really informed. “I really admire the work he does for children and animals. What state is he from again?”
“Washington,” I guessed. I must have a psychic streak. I was right again!
“It’s so nice to meet people who try to improve the world. My fiancee once told me, ‘We can all try to improve the world’. I’ll never forget that. It’s so true.”
Her fiancee! Shot down, I muttered, “Your fiancee must be very special.”
“He was,” she fought back a tear, “He’s dead now.”
Back in action, I consoled, “Oh, I am so sorry. How did it happen?”
“He died a hero. He was an animal liberationist. One Saturday night, he broke into a Military Research facility. He climbed onto the roof and jumped down fifteen feet into their lab. He released twenty-five monkeys from their cages. Unfortunately, he couldn’t climb back out the window. On Monday morning, they found his bloody sneakers on the floor, and one of the monkeys was wearing his scalp. That was all that was left.”
“Wow. How noble.”
Our conversation was interrupted when the amazing Alec Baldwin took the stage. This man is an intellectual giant. From the moment he opened his mouth, I knew I had a lot to learn.
“Good evening, all you half-assed jerks. Do you think it’s enough that you show up at a fundraiser and throw a little money at our problems? Republicans still hold many offices in this nation, and you jackasses go about your business like nothing’s wrong. When will you learn? These people are evil. You’ll all act surprised when they throw your stupid grandmother on the street. They have no compassion for the elderly. Don’t you know they want to kill old people!?”
I swear I didn’t know that. Here I was thinking that everything was going OK, and the Republicans are out there trying to kill old people. I thought of my dear father, and my dear mother, and my first dear stepmother, and my first dear stepfather. My second stepmother was a bit cold, and my second stepfather was dead. I still haven’t met my third stepfather, but that’s beside the point. Alec continued to illuminate the horrid political system in this country.
“Do you know they want to kick down your door tonight and arrest you for having sex!?”
Tiffany looked at me and blushed. Cool!
“They are giving children guns. The kids are gunning each other down at their schools. No condoms for the first graders, just more guns!!”
I heard about those school shootings. The Republicans! I should have suspected them.
“I hope you can get used to living without whales, and dolphins, and rainforests, and television. The Republicans are gonna get rid of all of that.”
Television!! Why wasn’t I told about this sooner!
“Didn’t you listen to Jane Fonda. Millions of children dying of starvation, in Georgia alone! But you fat simpletons don’t care! You sit there and you eat your vegetarian fo-grass and wait for someone to fix the problem. Well, get ready for the concentration camps. That’s where we’re all going. You think about it. You think “Ellen” got canceled ‘cause her ratings sucked? Fools!!”
Ellen who? And I’m originally from Georgia. Wow, have I been out of touch or what?
“I hope you feel satisfied. Be thankful that none of you are black! Except Whoopie. Kisses, Whoopie. The Republicans are gonna put the blacks back on the plantation. Someone’s gotta pick the cotton. You don’t think it’s gonna be Biff and Buffy, do you? They’ve already started rounding up the blacks. How many of you have seen any African Americans in your neighborhood, besides Whoopie and the domestic help?”
Not a single hand went up. Why wasn’t this on the news?? And I thought the conservative media bias was just a rumor.
“The only way we can fix this nation is to destroy the two party system. We need one party rule.” He shot his right arm up and in front of him, with one finger extended. Then he brought his arm back to his chest and repeated the motion. “One party rule! One party rule! One party rule!” Soon the whole crowd was thrusting their right arm out and up. It made for a really powerful visual. I don’t know why nobody else thought to rile up a crowd like that before.
When he finally left the stage, Tiffany and I were exhausted. That night, I put a chair in front of the door, to keep the Republicans out while we had sex. She moved into my house the next day. We’re really in love.
And my political education is just beginning. I have to get Dad to wire me $10,000 for next week’s fundraiser (Tiffany is between jobs). Ed Asner is going to speak about the true effects of our policy in Central America in the 1980’s (whatever did happen to that Ayatollah?) It should be a lot of fun - Woody Harrelson’s bringing brownies!!
- Andre
Adam who?????
Pet the kitties. It is OBVIOUSLY satire.
Who is Adam Fellbur and why should I care?
It's amazing how Hollywood has-beens try to get publicity for themselves. Im still waiting to see that ticket to France that Barbra Striesand was gonna buy if Bush became president, the French would love her more than we do.
No destruction, no smoking ruins, no wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I think it might be the basis for a happy-go-lucky musical.
No destruction, no smoking ruins, no wailing and gnashing of teeth?
Welcome and way cool.
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