Online Infidelity: Is It Really Cheating?

Local6 ^ | 11/11/03

[Tumbleweed_Connection]

It's a problem that can take its toll on married life and when left unchecked can sometimes lead to divorce. Television station KNBC looked into the growing phenomenon of online infidelity -- married people creating intimate relations through cyberspace. But is it really cheating?

"There is great debate whether this is infidelity or not," said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection.

"It gives people license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows, at least they think they are maintaining their marital vows," said Mileham.

You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into "married and flirting" chatrooms, he said.

"Right now there's 1,006 people, 11:30 in the morning," said Mileham.

Most people use screen names in order to remain anonymous. But some also post pictures, including photos taken with their kids.

"The No. 1 justification is that 'I'm not touching anyone,'" said Mileham.

No contact, no foul. Right? Or is it cheating? (Discuss This Issue)

"You're opening up a can of worms to bringing destruction to your marriage," one person told the station.

"I consider it slightly cheating, so to speak," said another person.

Still another person said, "I think it's a form of cheating. It's an invitation for something disastrous to happen to your relationship."

Some experts say if you can't tell your partner about it, it's cheating. Mileham says her study found 30 percent ended up in a real-world affair with their online partners.

"It can break marriages, actually. I found a source that said one-third of divorce litigation is due to online affairs. It starts as innocently, as, 'How are you?' and escalates from there," said Mileham.

According to a recent study conducted by the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles, 52 percent of online sex addicts had decreased interest in sex with a spouse or partner. Mileham showed the station it doesn't take long to find a partner and for the conversation to quickly turn sexual. Within minutes, anyone who is bored with their marriage -- or just curious -- can find themselves intimately involved with a complete stranger.

One man, who is currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women, didn't want to appear on camera because he was concerned his real life girlfriend would see the story. He said he simply fills "an emotional deficit" in women's marriages and that their husbands have no idea he exists -- but that's what Mileham says is the problem.

When these online relationships are discovered by an unknowing partner, they often feel very betrayed -- even if the contact is restricted to the computer only. Mileham says that's because the person involved is still channeling sexual energy and emotional energy and is flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond that people feel should be reserved for them.

[Semper Paratus]

Last week a NH Judge ruled that Gay sex was not adultery.

[Zavien Doombringer]

Yes, it is cheating.

It robs the attention that needs to go to the other's spouse.

[Zavien Doombringer]

Of course it isn't adultery, It's sodomy. Plus One or both have to married to commit adultery. Outside of marriage, it's fornication.

[ellery]

Would you tell your spouse you were doing it? If not, it's cheating.

[hellinahandcart]

Well, it may be less germy, but that don't make it fidelity.

[apackof2]

I guess that all depends on what cheating is.....BillyBob Klintoon

[TruthShallSetYouFree]

Would you tell your spouse you were doing it? If not, it's cheating.

I didn't tell my wife I bet a hundred bucks on the Giants (and laid 10 points) and they lost to the Falcons by 20. Is that cheating? :)

[End Times Sentinel]

Online Infidelity: Is It Really Cheating?

Depends.  If I'm doing it, it's just innocent fun and no one else's business.

If the wife does it, somebody's gonna get shot.

 

Owl_Eagle

" WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
DIVERSITY IS STRENGTH"

[general_re]

I didn't tell my wife I bet a hundred bucks on the Giants (and laid 10 points) and they lost to the Falcons by 20. Is that cheating?

Only if you pay off a couple of the Falcons players to drop a few key passes ;)

[ArGee]

Some experts say if you can't tell your partner about it, it's cheating.

Well whaddya know? Experts who actually know something. This answer is a winner.

Shalom.

[ellery]

Hee hee. Okay, good question. I amend my comment: would you tell your spouse about your purely social interaction with another person? If not, it's cheating. :)

[Publius6961]

It robs the attention that needs to go to the other's spouse.

You are, of course, assuming that the "other" spouse would welcome the attention.

Too often some spouses are content with the security of marriage and are perfectly happy playing the role of a pet.

[Zavien Doombringer]

Yes, in fact it is. If there isn't any communication then there is failure.

If you are scared to tell your wife you placed a bet, then she is in control. If you tell her you placed the bet and lost, you are trusting her that she can handle the news. On the other hand, if you had won, you would have told her, I'm sure.

[dead]

Would you tell your spouse you were doing it? If not, it's cheating.

I wouldn’t tell my wife I had three Yodels and a Diet Coke for breakfast. Is that cheating?

[ArGee]

I didn't tell my wife I bet a hundred bucks on the Giants (and laid 10 points) and they lost to the Falcons by 20. Is that cheating?

That depends on what the ground rules you and your wife have laid down on handling the money that you share.

If you've agreed that you each have the right to spend $100 without the other concurring, then it's not cheating.

Shalom.

[Publius6961]

Too often some spouses are content with the security of marriage and are perfectly happy playing the role of a pet.

... or a pet owner.

[ellery]

D'oh! See post 12.

[hellinahandcart]

I'll amend YOUR comment: would you tell your spouse about your purely social non-physical yet highly emotional and sexually-charged interaction with another person? If not, it's cheating. :)

[Zavien Doombringer]

I have been married for 18 and a half years, never have I NOT wanted attention from my wife and Never has she not wanted it from me. Most wives cheat because attention is directed to other things or people.

If a wife is thirsty and her husband wont give her a drink, I bet a 5 spot that she will get a drink somewhere else!