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Gosh! Heck! Utahans angry about skating
The Miami Herald ^ | 2/15/2002 | Dave Barry

Posted on 02/15/2002 1:38:48 PM PST by Utah Girl

SALT LAKE CITY - People out here are so mad they could spit, if spitting were legal in Utah.

They're mad over this figure-skating scandal, which has the figure-skating world in such a state of confusion that National Guard troops have been called in to safeguard the mascara supply.

In case you don't keep up with world events, here's what happened: During the pairs finals, the Russian team of Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze made a number of flagrant errors, including these:

• Sikharulidze double-footed an axel landing. Or possibly he double-axeled a land footing. Whatever he did, it was flagrant.

• Sikharulidze also was wearing a disco shirt from 1978.

• During one of her spins, Berezhnaya can clearly be seen, in slow-motion video replay, taking a puff from a cigarette.

So everybody was sure the gold medal would go to the Canadian team of Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, who not only skated perfectly, but also are much easier to spell. Yet the judges gave the gold to the Russians, a decision that had even the normally mellow Utahans screaming vicious profanities, Mormon-style (''What in the gosh darn HECK?!'' ''I'll be gum swizzled!'' etc.)

How could this happen? To answer that question, we must understand how figure skating is judged. There are nine judges, broken down as follows:

• Judges from nations with plumbing: 4

• Judges from former communist nations where the most reliable form of transportation is the yak: 4

• French judges who hate everybody because the French never win anything: 1

After each performance, the judges carefully weigh both the artistry and the technical merit. Then they vote for whomever they were going to vote for anyway. Usually they vote for skaters who are from their own country, or who have an established reputation. This is why in 1998 the Olympic gold medal for pairs figure skating went to a Russian team that had retired in 1996.

In the case of the 2002 pairs gold, all the plumbing-nation judges voted for the Canadians, and all the yak-nation judges voted for the Russians. The balance was tipped by the French judge, who later admitted she voted against the Canadians only because at the time she thought they were Americans, on the grounds that, quote, ``they have good teeth.''

So now we have an Olympic scandal, which has quickly burgeoned into an international crisis. Tensions soared on Thursday night when both the Canadian and Russian governments ordered their armed forces to go on highest alert; thankfully, things cooled down a few hours later when the two countries realized that they don't HAVE any armed forces.

But still, this scandal has cast a pall over figure skating, which must get its house in order if it is to be viewed as an untainted sport, like boxing. Fortunately, the International Skating Union has recognized the problem and is taking steps to correct it.

''We're going to have a thorough review of our judging procedures,'' stated the ISU. ``This will be done by an outside firm with an impeccable reputation: Arthur Andersen.''


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: olympicslist
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Dave Barry is good. He's got Utahns down pat. (Or are we Utahans???)
1 posted on 02/15/2002 1:38:48 PM PST by Utah Girl
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To: olympics list; Tis The Time''s Plague; Pete-R-Bilt; Excuse_My_Bellicosity; Technocrat; Lokibob...
To find all articles indexed using "Olympics List"
  click here >>> SL 2002 Olympics <<< click here  
SL 2002 home page...(To view all FR Bump Lists, click here)


2 posted on 02/15/2002 1:39:13 PM PST by Utah Girl
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To: Utah Girl
Yep, people are slobbering in their lattes up at Starbucks in Park CIty!
3 posted on 02/15/2002 1:44:35 PM PST by princess leah
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To: Utah Girl
GIANT BUMP ROFL
4 posted on 02/15/2002 1:45:05 PM PST by fish hawk
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To: Utah Girl
You aren't allowed to spit in Utah??

What happens if you get a bad cherry pit....you know ....guess you could go to jail.....:-)

5 posted on 02/15/2002 1:48:59 PM PST by Dog
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To: Utah Girl
ROTFL, that is soooooo funny. Puts things in perspective? lol
6 posted on 02/15/2002 1:50:09 PM PST by dixie sass
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To: Dog
You're too funny! If it was illegal to spit here, most of the men would be in jail. Sheesh, the men in my family built a cabin, just so they could spit in peace, out of sight of the women...
7 posted on 02/15/2002 1:50:12 PM PST by Utah Girl
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To: Utah Girl
Har
8 posted on 02/15/2002 1:51:05 PM PST by GuillermoX
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To: Utah Girl
In the case of the 2002 pairs gold, all the plumbing-nation judges voted for the Canadians, and all the yak-nation judges voted for the Russians.

ROTFL.

9 posted on 02/15/2002 1:51:38 PM PST by oremites
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To: Utah Girl
I don't speak Utahanese...what is a "gum swizzle"?
10 posted on 02/15/2002 1:53:06 PM PST by Dog
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To: Utah Girl
Much better summary of the event and the judges.
11 posted on 02/15/2002 1:53:32 PM PST by Jaded
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To: Dog
Actually, I know a Mormon that won the "Spittn', Belchin' and Cussin' Contest" at our local country fair.

The Cussin' competition was great. Whereas everyone else had your boring street-punk laced profanities, the Mormon was so imaginative, he had everyone in the crowd splitting their sides with laughter. That won the contest for him by a country mile.

12 posted on 02/15/2002 1:55:29 PM PST by Rubber Duckie
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To: Dog
I don't know, that is the first time I've heard the phrase "gum swizzled."
13 posted on 02/15/2002 1:55:49 PM PST by Utah Girl
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To: Utah Girl
It's not "Utahnese"?
14 posted on 02/15/2002 1:57:02 PM PST by Redcloak
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To: Utah Girl
That is one of the funniest articles!! So glad you posted it. I especially like the humor mixed with truth!
15 posted on 02/15/2002 1:59:02 PM PST by ET(end tyranny)
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To: Utah Girl
I think it's a Dave Barry neologism. Sorta sounds like 'horn-swoggled'. ;^)
16 posted on 02/15/2002 2:00:52 PM PST by headsonpikes
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To: ET(end tyranny)
Dave Barry is the best! He can be funny about the quirks in Utah (and everywhere else) without being demeaning. I think this is his funniest Olympics article yet, he writes one daily and is up in SLC covering the Olympics.
17 posted on 02/15/2002 2:01:09 PM PST by Utah Girl
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To: Redcloak
See #16. ;^) 'gum-swizzled'.
18 posted on 02/15/2002 2:02:21 PM PST by headsonpikes
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To: Utah Girl
Does he borrow a yak to get around? lol
19 posted on 02/15/2002 2:03:04 PM PST by ET(end tyranny)
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To: Utah Girl
(Or are we Utahans???)

I've heard the term "Ubangies". I'm not sure what a Ubangy is.

20 posted on 02/15/2002 2:04:00 PM PST by Excuse_My_Bellicosity
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