The only words of comfort come from the bible. "Eye has not seen . . . what God has prepared for those who love Him." And the 23rd Psalm. And "I go to prepare a place for you." Those words are comforting if I haven't fallen out of favor because I don't love Him and my fellow man as I ought. And I feel no love for the church as I have experienced it. Catholics love their church. It gets so bad that I almost default to atheism where there is nothing to fear because you are just gone forever along with those who have gone before.
it becomes easy to see that I can count on Him to make heaven okay in the end,
It boils down to trust, doesn't it? I have a terrible time with trust. And my life. A flick of the heavenly button and my life here on earth could have been unendurable. It's been bad enough as it is, but there have been many comforts along the way.
The only time I was happy with religion was when I was little and naive and learned how Jesus healed people and the kind people who taught Sunday school and vacation bible school and happy times when people got together to socialize.
Sometimes I wish I had left well enough alone. You don't know how I wish sometimes I never converted to the catholic religion. I believe most of it which makes it even harder because I believe that protestants were wrong about several things. But unless you are born into the catholic church or don't think too deeply about things, you are in for trouble.
It's really hard to put it into words. Thank you for sharing that you sometimes wonder a little bit.