LDS General Conference - On Now

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ^ | April 5, 2003 | The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

[Wrigley]

Oh, you've seen the Grand Rapids weather forcast?

[drstevej]

Your Caption ???

[P-Marlowe]

Announcer: Contestant number one, what is your name and what do you do?

Contestant: My name is Gordon B. Hinkley and I am a true prophet of God.

Announcer: Contestant number two, what is your name and what do you do....

[Wrigley]

The look the [FR 5^th]comes to your door with.

[drstevej]

Caption: Hi, I'm Elder La-a-a-a-a-a-mb and we're in the neighborhood talkin' about Family Home Evening. M-i-i-i-i-i-i-nd if we come in?

[Wrigley]

Response:

Family home evening? If family is so important, why is your contact with your family limited for the two years of your proselytizing career?

[ponyespresso]

"Why Elder Lamb, what big teeth you have!"

"All the better to share this other testament of Joseph Smith..oops, er, Jesus Christ."

[CARepubGal]

And Elder lamb, why can you not return home for family funerals or contact your mom by phone anytime other than Mother's day or Christmas?

[ponyespresso]

I've said it before, I'll say it again...

Any religion that forsakes coffee
worships a false god!

I really think that should clear up any doubts in anyone's mind.<

[P-Marlowe]

The Sure Sign of the LDS' Eternal Reward:

And you thought you were going to become a God. Isaiah 43:10

[Wrigley]

Everyone can drink to that.

Well, almost everyone.

[P-Marlowe]

[A.J.Armitage]

This is, as far as I know, a true story: when coffee was introduced to Europe by Muslims, some people regarded it as an Islamic drink that should be prohibited, and sent a petition to the Pope to that effect. He decided to try it himself, and said something like "This is too good to leave only for infidels."

[P-Marlowe]

One of the first actual appearances of coffee in Europe during the reign of Pope Clement VIII. The brew was then known to be the drink of choice of Moslems. This immediately alarmed the Vatican who wanted to outlaw the brew as an invention of Satan. The pope,however, had the desire to know learn more about the beverage and fell immediately in love with its aroma. Tempted, he tried a cupful and decided that it was "too good to leave to the infidels," and instead of banning it, he "baptized" it as "a truly Christian beverage."


From : http://www.don-francisco.com/greatmomentsincoffee.asp

[ponyespresso]

I read a story in the Ensign magazine (I'm still not sure if it's a "offical" publication of the LDS church but it's close enough if it ain't) that actually told of this young Mormon* soldier going off to fight in WWII. He saw everyone else in his unit drinking coffee and then, worn down by the pressure, actually started drinking coffee. This of course opened up the door for him to start drinking alcohol and run around with loose women.

All becase he had a hot cup of joe.

*is this the word that everyone is all up in arms about?

[P-Marlowe]

So Coffee leads to loose women, huh? I suppose that explains the popularity of Starbucks.

[ponyespresso]

So Coffee leads to loose women, huh? I suppose that explains the popularity of Starbucks.

Starbucks, eh? If regular coffee leads to loose women, can you even imagine what a Double Grande Latte sets you up for? (shudder)

[A.J.Armitage]

This of course opened up the door for him to start drinking alcohol and run around with loose women.

Or maybe it was just because he was, you know, hanging out with a bunch of soldiers.

Do you suppose that since Christians and Muslims drink coffee, and Mormons don't, there might be some hidden connection between coffee and monotheism?

[restornu]

This of course opened up the door for him to start drinking alcohol and run around with loose women.

***

Blessings from the Lord for keeping the Words of Wisdom

Obedience to gospel law, including the Word of Wisdom, brings temporal and spiritual blessings.

18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;

19 And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, UObedience to gospel law, including the Word of Wisdom, brings temporal and spiritual blessings. even hidden treasures;

20 And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.

21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.

[A.J.Armitage]

If regular coffee leads to loose women, can you even imagine what a Double Grande Latte sets you up for?

Run man! Being within five feet is enough to catch an incurable disease!