Going thru major trials myself and at times the weight becomes almost unbearable.
Only my faith in Him provides me with hope and stops me from doing something terribly wrong.
I married literally the “girl-next-door” who lost a battle to breast cancer at 28. There are times when the hopelessness & weight of the world makes me consider “crossing over” to her.
Sigh...
I’m sorry for your loss.
And those words are not even adequate.
May God bless you with endurance in this battle between “Good and Evil.” I have found great solace in the Book of Job (especially Chapter 42, verses 7 and following), the Book of John, Chapters 9 (blind man healed, especially verse 3); and 11 (Lazarus’ death, especially verses 4, 14, 15, 35, and 38-44)...
Patient endurance brings glory to God and reward beyond comprehension to the sufferer.
That’s because we have unrealistic expectations of what grief is like. We assume it’s a “one size fits all” with a solution waiting at the end. It’s easy to despair and lose hope over the lack of a “solution”, which makes the problem worse.
How much does a glass of water weigh? It depends on whether you hold it for a few seconds or a few hours.
Draw on Him. He has a plan for you and suicide is NOT it!
I understand your pain. Over three years ago, my wife left, cutting off all contact with me, our church and even friends she had before I met her. Near as I can figure, she had a nervous breakdown, ably aided by her mother, a real misandrist (female version of a mysogynist).
The shock of my (now) ex-wife’s leaving, caused me to take extended sick leave from work. Four weeks after I returned to work, I was permanently laid off, with a financial package. Having just turned 50, with only a bachelors degree but no designation from my work field’s governing bodies (CMA, CA or CGA, all are now CPA), I was out of luck to get back into my field.
Over 2 1/2 years, when I was so discouraged by the loss of my partner and an inability to find decent, well paying work, He provided, such that I was able to meet all my obligations. On a number of occasions, I was ready to call it quits from this life. He showed me that suicide would have passed a number of debts onto her shoulders, perhaps leading to her suicide, and would have likely led to at least one of our dogs being put down, since she no longer wanted her ‘baby’, as she used to called one of them.
God eventually got me a job driving a school bus. After 2 1/2 years out of the workforce, that was a good way to get back in, rather than going directly into a 50-60 hour a week, high pressure job, like I had been laid off from.
My ‘kids’ on the bus are all ‘special needs’ and, in spite of having been bitten by one of them during my second week on the job, I wouldn’t trade the job for my old position. I earn less than 1/3 what I made in accounting, and the bus company is rather ‘frugal’ with its employees ;-), but the kids make it worthwhile.
I believe God has a plan for each one of us. The trials we go through refine us so we can be presentable to the Lord (Malachi 3:3, 1 Peter 1:7). Some of us, like me, have a low ‘ore content’, so the refining process is long and difficult (for us), and takes much ‘refining fire’ to produce fine silver and gold, but the end result will be fine silver and gold!
Recently, I heard Nabeel Qureshi speak at church. Having been born and raised moslem, it broke the heart of his mom and dad when he accepted Christ. (Luckily for him, they belong to a pacifist sect of islam, so an ‘honour killing’ was out of the question.) After they found out, he prayed to God (not allah), asking why God hadn’t killed him after he had converted but before his parents found out of the conversion. The logic being, God would be happy that he had converted, he would be happy, eternally in God’s presence and his parents would be happy, blissfully unaware of their son’s denouncing allah and islam. God answered by telling him that it wasn’t about him, it was about God!
All we can know is that God causes all things to work together for good, for those who love Him. It DOES get better, if not in this life, then in the next.
When my son died I felt the same way. All I can tell you is you will never lose that feeling of loss, but in time it will not overwhelm you.
So sorry.