Posted on 02/26/2015 11:00:21 AM PST by Lacey
David Benkof, 44, led a gay lifestyle from college through 2001, and in 1995 created Q Syndicate, for a time the largest supplier of content for the gay and lesbian press. He became a celibate Orthodox Jew in 2001.
When did you decide you were gay? I had been feeling for a long time attraction to men. I went through a period where it was all I could think about. Stanford had a peer counseling center: I started to talk to gay counselors and realized that was the direction I wanted to take in my life.
How did your parents take it? My mother wanted me to be tolerant. She took me to see Torch Song Trilogy and La Cage aux Folles so I could learn about gay people and accept them. She had a gay hairdresser cut my hair so I would be exposed to different lifestyles...;but that didn’t mean she wanted me to have that identity. She was shocked, upset, but came to accept me.
How did you found the Q Syndicate when you were 25? I found travel and politics columnists, a crossword maker, a horoscope, editorial cartoons...
You sold it when you changed? I realized it was not consistent with how I felt religiously, spiritually, politically.
How did you realize that? I was growing more conservative, but I also learned one of the things that gay historians and anthropologists know: having that sexual orientation, being gay, is about 150 years old. I had been told, “God made you gay,” and realized that doesn’t make sense. If God makes people gay, why wouldn’t He have made people gay in Paris in the 17th century?
You mean gay people were there, but... No! No! People had gay relationships, but before about 1850, homosexuality was something you could do, not something that you could be. The idea that God makes people gay, that it’s in our genes, that it’s how we’re born: The evidence just doesn’t support that.
Are you saying that ancient Greeks had lots of homosexuality, but they would never have defined themselves in that way? They might have done it, but that’s not who they were? Yes, and in general they also had wives—and we have no evidence they were just going through the motions with their wives.
They did many things, and sex was just one of them? It’s common in the gay community to say, “You need to accept me for who I am.” My reaction: I hope you’re a lot of things—your faith, your politics, your family, your hopes and dreams and plans, your career and jobs and hobbies. Being gay, which is libido, romantic interests, and family format, is either a very narrow conception of what identity is, or it’s sad.
So this is sinful activity, but we’re all sinners. If someone has a penchant for lying you would not reduce his identity only to “liar.” Three times you’ve composed crossword puzzles that made it into The New York Times, the apex of the crossword world. That is part of who I am. So is “gay.” The Torah has 613 commandments, and one of those 613 says men should not have a certain kind of intercourse with other men. One message I have given Jewish gay people is, “Focus on the other 612.” That doesn’t mean the one doesn’t apply to you: It does. But if you’re not ready for that one, work on keeping kosher and praying and giving to charity.
When did you decide that 612 weren’t enough for you—you had to work on number 613? January 2001.
You stopped and have been able to stay stopped? Yeah. 14 years.
One rabbi said this is virtually impossible. That rabbi was straight. Some straight Jews want to be sympathetic, kind, and understanding, but there’s some condescension in this idea that the gays can’t control themselves. And it’s inconsistent: We expect our young people to be celibate before they get married. We expect a 21-year-old not to have any expression of sexuality, but we drop that expectation when someone is 44 because he’s gay? “Oh, yeah, go ahead!” Other categories of people have similar challenges within Judaism and we feel sympathetic, but we don’t say, “Go ahead and violate the law, I’d hate to be you.” It’s condescending, patronizing, and false.
Are your former colleagues upset when you say, “You’re not born gay”? They just don’t understand because it’s a subtle point. But research about when people started to identify as gay, and about various countries throughout the world that didn’t have gay or lesbian people in them, has been done by LGBT persons themselves, big supporters of gay rights and marriage equality. Top gay scholars who are experts say what I am saying.
Helpful article, thanks!
I am so glad this fellow decided to change his behavior. We all know it is usually difficult to change any long-practiced behavior or habit pattern. Good for him!
one point he makes...
“ before about 1850, homosexuality was something you could do, not something that you could be”
is especially significant. A person who defines themselves in terms of their sexual practices .... is really REALLY shortchanging themselves as Human Beings.
Sex is something you can do, not WHO YOU ARE.
Major point!
Thanks,
fhc
I’ve known quite a few homosexuals, and I can say that ALL of them are burdened by their homosexuality. Disease, violence (nearly always from other gays), addiction, extreme promiscuity, depression, suicide - these are things I have seen with nearly every homosexual I know.
Its a sin because it harms people. God forbids things that will cause harm.
HOMOSEXUAL, because there's nothing GAY about it.
He should be careful lest the tolerant people who advocate diversity kill him for his failure to comply with their standards of indecency.
That is a fascinating interview. I have known 2 people in my life that said they experienced same-sex attractions, and both of them made public confessions for accountability reasons. They both chose to remain celibate because they want to honor God and take His commandments seriously. That is a difficult thing to do, and I admire them both for their faith and perseverance in Christ.
Top gay scholars who are experts say what I am saying.
Yeah, "top gay scholars" are very impartial on this issue, eh? /supersarc
Top historian was Moses who wrote down what Jehovah said about how He treated Sodomites. Mercifully. A taste of the future to come for them all.
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