The first 8 lines are fine. The last 4, not so good.
Let’s look at those last 4 lines again:
“therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.”
Obviously, you don’t believe in asking Mary or the saints for intercession in prayer. That’s fine. But, my point was that we’re not praying to them as if they’re gods themselves. We’re asking for prayer, just as someone might ask other people for prayer.