Posted on 12/11/2010 9:57:19 AM PST by wmfights
Ever since an angel announced good news to shepherds working the night shift, Christians have associated the birth of Jesus with joy.
But some people who have experienced significant loss in the recent past find a season of celebration observed against a soundtrack of “Joy to the World” a bit hard to handle.
Churches can help reduce the pain for grieving people by dialing back expectations and not heightening the pressure, Chaplain Mark Grace said.
When Grace, vice president of mission and ministry at Baylor Health Care System, speaks to churches about grief and bereavement during the Christmas season, he begins by urging congregations not to buy into the holiday hype.
“On the one hand, the majority of human beings manage to survive the holidays. It isn’t pre-ordained that the holidays are going to be terrible just because someone lost a loved one. On the other hand, the holidays are a time like no other when people’s buttons are being pushed—mashed like all get out—in the free-for-all attempt to squeeze money out of people,” Grace said.
“Emotion-laden messages fill the airwaves, print media and billboards at every turn. One of the reasons that makes it so hard to navigate the holidays as a griev-ing person is the fact that the frequency and intensity of emotionally laden symbols, images, and messages is way off the charts.
“Churches ought to be places where leadership is seriously asking the question: Do we want to join the hordes who are seeking to manipulate people, or do we want to help them find ways to cope, using their faith?”
Some churches seek to help people handle grief during the Christmas season by offering worship services marked by moments of remembrance, sponsoring support groups and providing seminars focused on grief recovery.
South Main Baptist Church in Houston has a longstanding tradition of offering a worship service of hope and remembrance during Advent, said Erin Conaway, associate pastor of South Main Baptist Church in Houston.
The service includes a time when each person who is grieving the death of someone can light a candle in that person’s memory, pronounce his or her name and ring a bell. Each participant is given a rose as a reminder of the precious life that has been remembered.
In addition to the worship experience, the church in recent years also has provided a time where people who have sustained a loss can share their experiences and process their grief.
“There is a bond grieving people have. It is not one of their choosing, but it can be a powerful blessing,” Conaway said.
Some years, the small-group experience has been scheduled as a series of “handling the holidays” seminars on Sunday afternoons. More recently, the church has offered “gathering stones” lunches—a series of weekly informal gatherings around a shared meal.
“People need space to own the fact that in an Advent season of hope, joy, love and peace, the words don’t jibe with what they’ve feeling in their hearts,” Conaway said.
In a season of lights, people experiencing the darkness of loss may feel out of place. Pastor Mark Bumpus began a remembrance service at First Baptist Church in San Angelo a couple of years ago with a quote by Buckner Fanning, longtime pastor of Trinity Baptist Church in San Antonio: “Why do you suppose Jesus was born at night? Why was Jesus born to starlight instead of sunlight? … Because it is the darkness that frightens us … and Jesus came to dispel our darkness.”
Bumpus offered assurances to the assembled worshippers that Christian loved ones who had died live in eternal light, and God’s light abides even in life’s darkest times.
“Have you ever noticed, if there is a shadow in the valley of death, there is at least enough light in that valley to create that shadow?” he asked, quoting a retired minister who voiced the question at a graveside ser-vice in Lampasas he attended more than 30 years ago.
Near the end of the remembrance service, people who had lost a loved one to death within the last couple of years were invited to place a star on an evergreen tree in the sanctuary as a symbol of eternal life and hope.
“It was a very moving time in which a good bit of catharsis took place, especially for those who had lost a loved one since the previous Christmas, ” Bumpus recalled. “There were silent tears shed which seemed to bathe the emotions of the participants, and there was some release of deep grief.
“Rather than holding the service in our large sanctuary, we held it in the chapel which was more intimate. And people felt connected with one another, sharing the same plight of grief and were not distant due to the smaller size of the sanctuary. The setting seemed to cause each participant to lose some of their isolation, and they were among people with whom no words needed to be exchanged. There was an understanding between them because of the common experience of recent grief.”
First Baptist Church in Richmond, Va. , has offered a similar remembrance service for at least a dozen years, Senior Associate Pastor Lynn Turner said. In a church that averages close to 50 deaths a year, the service has meant a great deal to grieving family and friends, she noted.
“The most meaningful part of the service is when those who have lost someone approach a table set up with candles, light a candle in their memory and pronounce the name of their loved one,” Turner said.
“There is something special about the group gathered for that service who have something in common—the loss they have experienced—and who participate in that simple, single act. It’s a powerful thing.”
On the first Sunday evening of Advent this year, South Garland Baptist Church in suburban Dallas held a worship service focused on dealing with loss—particularly at Christmas. When people suffer any significant loss, they naturally experience grief, Pastor Larry Davis said.
“Grief is a process—a time for the body, mind and soul to catch up with one an-other and heal,” he said. “You can’t cheat the process by trying to short-cut it or go around it. You can only go through it.”
Grief becomes unhealthy when it ceases to be a process and de-velops into a lasting state of being, Davis said.
But if it is handled in healthy ways, grief can be a transformative experience of personal growth, he added.
“Grief forces us to redefine ourselves and to discover some things we can learn to do,” he said.
Loneliness can be a byproduct of grief, and that particularly may be acute at Christmas and other special occasions. But churches can walk alongside hurting people through their grieving time and quietly remind them of God’s presence “through the valley of the shadow of death,” he said.
“Christmas is God’s reminder to us we are not alone,” Davis said. “God is with us.”
“Christmas is God’s reminder to us we are not alone,” Davis said. “God is with us.”
Baptist ping
Interesting article on how the church is helping people manage grief in the season of joy.
Being joyful in celebrating the birth of our Savior and grieving the loss of a loved one at the same time would be very difficult to say the least.
¨And how did little Tim behave?¨ asked Mrs. Cratchit, when she had rallied Bob on his credulity and Bob had hugged his daughter to his heart´s content.
¨As good as gold,¨ said Bob, ¨and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.¨ —Charles Dickens, ¨A Christmas Carol¨
The first year is the hardest. At all the major moments the living remember what they were doing and what the deceased were doing at that time the year before.
Beautiful.
That’s just it. Other people’s joy and enjoyment of a season, or whatever, is THEIR joy and I’m just grateful for them to have it. Whatever the personal challenges I might temporarily have, their joy does not diminish or rob me in the least. I can go someplace quiet; and other people will also be likely to need their own quiet times at various times, but for now, I’m thankful to the Lord they’re blessed. They do not rob me. This PC crap is too much belly button examining for me.
I understand, but what about our Brothers and Sisters in Christ that are alone for the first time? We can all offer a little of ourselves if they want it. I'm not saying we should force anything on anyone, or require everyone to put on a happy face.
For example, if we have neighbors who are alone inviting them over on Christmas to share in the meal might be a good thing.
I agree...it’s PC. However, not everyone copes as well as you do, and they might need the extra love and attention that we can give them.
Conversely, those who are in need of companionship and understanding during the Christmas season might fare better if they reached out and helped those who are less fortunate than they are.
One hand washes the other, no matter the circumstances.
I agree with Twinkie. We usually get lost in our Earthly existence in times of sadness or trouble. We often hear the cry of, “Lord, if you are truly there how could you allow ..... ?” It is especially acute when others are happy and celebrating, no matter what they are celebrating. It is at those times that we are blaming God when the problem is us having temporarily abandoned God, preferring instead to center on ourselves and our loss.
The very fact of God, if you believe the gospel, negates all that, and that should be remembered especially during Christmas and Easter seasons. Jesus came to reassure us that God has overcome our Earthly existence and to wash away all our doubts and sorrows. When you dwell on your loss you should remember that the one you are mourning also benefitted from Christ message and that they are at peace with the Lord rather than dwelling in the sorrow and loss that you imagine.
If one wants to enjoy the sadness, fine. It may even be beneficial but it is not necessary. Simply remember what you believe.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.