Posted on 06/10/2004 4:46:57 PM PDT by P-Marlowe
How do you handle a jerk? If Jesus was a real person living in the real world, surely he faced the challenge of getting along with difficult people. What did he have to say about them? How did he handle them?
I want to look at four strategies that Jesus used in his own life and taught others to use. Then we'll evaluate how practical and even realistic they are.
1. The first one comes from an event that's recorded in Matthew chapter 23. For this to make sense I've got to give you a little bit of background. The people to whom Jesus speaks in the passage are men who had followed him around for three years. But they weren't his disciples. They were not hoping to learn from him. They wanted to discredit him, to trap him into saying something that would ruin his reputation, to get rid of him by any possible means. They were called the Pharisees and they acted like a bunch of jerks.
"Woe to you, Pharisees, and you other religious leaders. Hypocrites! For you won't let others enter the Kingdom of Heaven and won't go in yourselves. And you pretend to be holy, with all your long, public prayers in the streets, while you are evicting widows from their homes. Hypocrites!
"Yes, woe upon you hypocrites. For you go to all lengths to make one convert, and then turn him into twice the son of hell you are yourselves.
"Yes, woe upon you, Pharisees, and you other religious leaders hypocrites! For you tithe down to the last mint leaf in your garden, but ignore the important things justice and mercy and faith. Yes, you should tithe, but you shouldn't leave the more important things undone.
"Woe to you, Pharisees, and you religious leaders! You are like beautiful mausoleums full of dead men's bones, and of foulness and corruption. You try to look like saintly men, but underneath those pious robes of yours are hearts [full of] every sort of hypocrisy and sin. Matthew 23:1315, 23, 26-28TLB
Would you say that Jesus was not happy with their behavior? Would you say he was trying to get a message across to them?
You've got to get face-to-face with them and tell them what they're doing in no uncertain terms. "You're a jerk and here's why ..." Listen to the tone of Jesus' statement. You don't say those things with smile and in a monotone voice. He was upset, angry and emotional.
Dr. Morris Massey says that "for most people it takes a "significant emotional event" to bring about change in behavior."
The hope of this strategy is that a confrontation will serve as a wake up call and bring about a change of behavior.
2. On the other hand, Jesus also said ...
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. Matthew 7:6 NIV
This statement comes right after a passage where Jesus talks about how to confront someone.
Investing your time and energy into producing a significant emotional event just isn't worth it. There's not going to be any payoff from a confrontation because the person is incapable of responding in a positive way. So, no matter what they do, you just pretend they're not there. If their behavior bothers you, you just don't show it.
The hope of this strategy is that one day the person who is acting like a jerk will realize, "No one is taking me seriously. This behavior is not effective at getting what I want."
3. A third strategy for dealing with difficult people is found in these words of Jesus ...
"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Matthew 5:3839NIV
Understand that Jesus is talking about a slap on the cheek. He's not talking about getting beat up or killed. Otherwise he would have said, "If someone pokes out your right eye, let him poke out the other one, too." That's not what he's saying.
You just have to outlast them. You say to them, "I can take what you dish out. Come on and hit me. I'm strong enough emotionally to be your punching bag. Go ahead and dump your garbage on me. I can take it."
When Muhammed Ali was boxing he developed a strategy called the "rope-a-dope." He would go out there and sit against the ropes and let the other boxer hit him for three or four rounds. When Ali sensed that the guy was worn out, he'd come out in the fifth round and beat the snot out him.
This is the rope-a-dope approach to handling a jerk except that when they wear out, you don't beat the snot out of them. (You want to but you don't). The hope is that once the person has spent some of the emotional energy that drives them, they can get to the root issue and work it out.
One more thing. Don't attempt this approach if you can't handle it emotionally. Don't let somebody hit you if you can't take a punch. You need to use one of the other strategies.
4. Finally, Jesus once said ...
If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Matthew 5:41NIV
At the time Jesus made this statement, his country was under the domination of the Roman Empire. It was an occupied territory. Roman soldiers had the authority to stop a person and order them to carry their equipment for one mile. No matter what you were doing or where you were going, you had to comply. Many of the soldiers abused their authority and acted like jerks. And Jesus said, "after they get their mile out of you, see if they need your help to go another."
In effect we say to them, "You don't need to be a jerk to get what you want. In fact, let me show you. I'll freely give you more than you can extract by this type of behavior."
Teenagers, you need to try this one on your parents. I'm not saying that your parents are jerks. (Although I've heard some of you say that.) When they act like a jerk and demand that you be in by 11:00, get home by 10:30. When they order you to do something totally unreasonable, like cleaning your room, clean the bathroom, too!
It works that way with parents and it works that way with people in general. As we give more than they demand, people learn that there is no need to demand. There is no need to act like a jerk. That's the hope of this strategy.
So, there are four effective ways to handle a jerk - confronting, ignoring, enduring and serving. But the question is: How do you know which strategy to use? Which would Jesus recommend for the difficult boss we have to work for? For the hard-to-get-along-with co-worker? For the "ex" who refuses to cooperate on raising the kids?
To answer that, you need to understand the core of Jesus' teaching about getting along with difficult people. Here it is:
"Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you; implore God's blessing on those who hurt you." Luke 6:2728TLB
The question is not "what is the worst thing I could do to this person and get away with it?" but, "How can I love them in a way that helps them move beyond whatever it is that makes them act like a jerk?" Difficult people need help. In most cases, the reason they strive to make you miserable is because they're miserable. They need to become "unmiserable." They need to be loved.
Sometimes the most loving thing that can happen to a jerk is for us to confront them - to get in there and ring their bell and say, "Is this what you really want to be like?" Sometimes it's ignoring them. Sometimes it's enduring. Sometimes it's serving. But no matter what course we choose, it is always to be motivated by love. By goodness. By prayer. By blessing. According to Jesus, love, not condemnation or revenge or even self-preservation, is the way to handle a jerk.
At this point I know some of you are thinking I should get my fifty cents back from the message vending machine because this just doesn't work in the real world. You don't love people who are trying to hurt you. It's just stupid.
Before you write it off, let me ask you something. What does the alternative approach get you. Hating your enemies, always trying to "get even" with the jerks - what does that accomplish? Nothing! Except maybe an ulcer and a bad attitude towards life in general.
Let's be honest here. The reason we don't like the idea of loving enemies, or difficult people, or jerks, or whatever you want to call them, is not because it doesn't work. It's because ... we can't do it.
What is natural for us? To love those who love us. To good to those who do good to us. And Jesus understood this ...
"Do you think you deserve credit [because you love] those who love you?"[he asked.] "Even the godless do that! [It's the natural thing to do.] And if you do good only to those who do you goodis that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much! [It's the natural thing to do.] And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even the most wicked will lend to their own kind for full return! [It's the natural thing to do.]"
But loving a jerk is beyond what's natural. What's the secret? Let's see what Jesus says ...
"Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned about the fact that they won't repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and [here it is] you will truly be acting as children of God: for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are very wicked. Luke 6:3235TLB
He knows that it's not natural to love a jerk, but children of God are beyond natural. They're supernatural. Their spiritual DNA matches that of their Heavenly Father who, Jesus said, "is kind to the unthankful and to those who are very wicked."
So when Jesus says, "love your enemies" he's not playing games. He's not saying, "no one can do it, but it's a nice goal to shoot for, so give it your best shot." No way. He is saying that there are some people - children of God - who have the supernatural ability to do it for real.
I know some of you are thinking, "we are really lost in La-La Land now! Are we talking about magic fairy dust? Or a trance that comes over people and makes them sing, 'I love you, you love me ...'"
Not quite. Let me tell you how it works in my life. I'm a Christian - a child of God. And I've noticed something. As I stay in tune with God, I have two thoughts that I can't get away from.
That person who is such a pain to me, such a loser in my eyes is of infinite value to the God of the Universe. Jesus made it very clear that he has a soft spot in his heart for jerks.
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor,["he said, "]but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Mark 2:17NIV
Even as he's hanging on the cross, he says ...
"Father, forgive these people, for they don't know what they are doing." Luke 23:3435TLB
At the same time, the soldiers who nailed him up there gamble for his clothing. The crowd watches. The Pharisees laugh and mock him, "If he's really the Messiah, let's see if he can save himself !" (Luke 23:35)
What a bunch of jerks! But they mattered enough to God that Jesus was willing to give his life to pay for their sins.
The Bible says that ...
All have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious ideal; Romans 3:23TLB
And that includes me. As awful or inconsiderate or rude I may think my enemies are, the truth is that I'm not much better. I can be and have been as big of a jerk as they are.
But God accepted me with all my warts and forgave me. He loves me, just as I am.
Truthfully, I can't say that I always confront or ignore or endure or serve out of love. I still struggle. But I can say that the more I understand that jerks matter to God, the more I realize what God has done for me, the more strength I have to love the people who aren't very lovable. And I think it's a supernatural process at work in me.
And that brings us to the heart of the matter. If it's impossible for you to "love your enemies" as Jesus said, could it be that you've never experienced God's unconditional love and forgiveness on a personal level? Until you do, you will never understand how it is possible to love a difficult person. And you'll never have the power to do it, either, because Jesus said that belongs to those who are children of God.
How do you get the power to do things that are not natural? To experience a quality of life that is on a totally different plane? The Bible says it comes from receiving Christ ...
Even in his own land and among his own people, the Jews, he [Jesus] was not accepted. Only a few would welcome and receive him. But to all who received him, he gave the right to become children of God. All they needed to do was to trust him to save them. All those who believe this are reborn! not a physical rebirth resulting from human passion or plan but from the will of God. John 1:1113TLB
Sorry Steve Martin was not available to play the part.
I'm not sure about this loving and doing good to my enemies stuff.
Do you think Jesus would have us do something that he wouldn't do? Do you think that maybe if Jesus expects us to love everybody, that he loves everybody, even his enemies?
Or maybe we should just reserve our love for our enemies, which would then leave us free to hate all our friends?
I'm fairly certain Jesus' intent was for us to love our enemies and hate our friends.
This explains backbiting, gossip, power politics, and racing for the front of the carry-in line at most churches that call themselves Christian.
/sarcasm
Sometimes it works out that way, doesn't it. We often show more love for our enemies than we do for our friends. The nice thing about that, however, is that when we hate our friends they become our enemies, then we are commanded to love them. Then what do you do?
"If it's impossible for you to "love your enemies" as Jesus said, could it be that you've never experienced God's unconditional love and forgiveness on a personal level? Until you do, you will never understand how it is possible to love a difficult person."
I've experienced it, and I still don't understand the first thing about it.
Because God can do it doesn't necessarily mean that I can do it.
My experience is that turning the other cheek is a sure-fire way to get it slapped twice as hard as the first one. With all due respect to deeply held beliefs, jerks only understand superior firepower.
Excellent point! Until God has given us the experience of unconditional love, through his Grace, we can't understand it, and can only talk about it as something to be desired, and as if we knew something about it.
Through the power of His Grace we can look on our adversaries with the same love that we hold for our children, and even for God Himself.
But, on our own we can't rise to that level, though, having once experienced it, we can understand how it should be.
If we can't always rise to that level, we can have some comfort in the knowledge that to show kindness to our enemies is to "heap coals his head."
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