Posted on 07/12/2003 1:03:28 AM PDT by f.Christian
Political Pepper Spray ©
Norman Liebmann
The United States Supreme Court is considering the question of whether, at the unemployment office, a bisexual has the right to form a double line.
Apparently El Presidente Vicente Fox has convinced George Bush those illegal aliens sneaking into the United States are not Mexicans, but Naftanians from Naftaland who speak only Naftalese.
Anthropologists report the movie Jurassic Park was historically inaccurate. It was not in the Jurassic Era but in the Mesozoic Era when dinosaurs roamed the Earth - and Michael Jackson was still black. Bill Clinton turned down a job working on the film. (Spielberg had offered him a job shoveling up vinyl droppings left behind by his Naugahyde dinosaurs.)
Ronald Reagan brought down the Berlin Wall. His oversight was in not re-erecting it around Arkansas.
To avoid chaos, the city of Detroit may hire a choreographer to stage all its future riots.
The government plans to install dish antennas nationwide to contact extraterrestrials, which proves when civilizations wobble the government looks, not for solutions, but for diversions. In the event that life is detected on Mars, NAFTA will shuttle Jimmy Carter there to deliver his customary apology for America.
Coalition troops in Iraq have finally turned up some of the deadliest Weapons of Mass Destruction. They are SCUD missiles with warheads containing Hillary Clinton’s breast milk.
If Richard Gephart is elected he promises to get rid of things that might come back, and replace them with things that might go away. By Democratic logic, it makes sense.
I would feel more sanguine about giving America’s money to these rabid populations abroad if I knew they were using the money to buy booze to mellow out.
If it were not for an occasional visit to his proctologist, Robert Byrd wouldn’t have any social life at all.
A major improvement of the Bush Administration over the Clinton Administration is whenever the current President makes a speech on television, we no longer have to send the kids out of the room.
The Dixie Chicks should be allowed to cast whatever aspersions they wish on this nation and its President – but nowhere in the Constitution does it guarantee them the right to sing.
Howard Dean has all the charisma of a coat rack.
Department of clarification: Teddy Kennedy does not have a drinking problem. He has a stopping problem. (Teddy’s personal trainer explained how he acquired all that excessive avoirdupois. He ate the weight on, and then tried to drink it off.)
Nobody has yet figured why it is every time Bill Clinton perpetrates another act of treason, the Senate decides the American people are not to be trusted.
If anyone considered herself a real friend, she would let Hillary Clinton know that someone keeps writing moronic books and putting her name on them.
Slow news days: The horoscopes in the Los Angeles Times are in re-runs.
Kofi Annan is black bigotry in a Bond Street suit.
Psychiatry and Theology concur in the diagnosis that Islam is a devout psychosis.
Their divorce indicates ultimately Ted Turner was not good enough even for a traitor like Jane Fonda. I would say that pretty much defines him.
As a public speaker, Al Gore is not ready for voice mail.
Farmers are important. Journalists are self-important. Turning those perceptions around could only be a shot in the arm for America.
The movie to be made from Bill Clinton’s upcoming book is expected to receive a rating of GP - Generally Pornographic.
Coalition troops cannot bring stability to Iraq by shooting people at random. They should confine themselves to the ones with moustaches wearing berets.
It’s been revealed, the reason the Grand Jury never gave Hillary a lie detector test was because as soon as she entered the room the polygraph machine burst into flames.
Liberia was established by freed slaves, which illustrates just what they can accomplish when left to their own resources. The civil war started there when the descendants of the slaves refused to pay each other reparations.
The world is beginning to see through Hillary Clinton's phony moist-eyed bleating for the less fortunate. Ring announcers sound more sympathetic.
A general consensus upholds the discouraging equation that the media is about as fair as it is kind.
A prominent neurologist believes that most minorities are born with an auditory impairment that makes them unable to hear the truth over Bill Clinton’s deafening smile.
The best political advice available is not only should you not vote for any Democrat, but you should avoid drinking out of a glass any of them used.
The Justice Department’s prosecution of Microsoft establishes bigness as a crime. That can only mean Dolly Parton is next.
It is time to peel a couple of layers off Congressional immunity.
Despite the advice of friends, Janet Reno will continue using cologne that makes her smell like a bar mop.
It’s time Colin Powell developed a plan for dealing with Islamist assassins besides sending Hallmark condolence cards to their victims’ next of kin.
Alan Greenspan’s obscene diddling with the economy has succeeded only in lowering interest rates to a point where the elderly cannot live on their savings and are becoming obliged to seek public assistance.
It is a bitter disappointment in the barrios of California that Gray Davis did not turn out to be the second coming of Emiliano Zapata.
There is a late breaking message from Casablanca’s Captain Reynaud – There is slavery still going on in Africa - and he is “shocked!”
Political Correctness is an exercise in truth suffocation – nothing more.
At last count there were four hundred and seventy versions of Bill Clinton’s word of honor.
Interrupting Dan Rather with a hot news flash only underscores how dull he’s sounded up to that point.
The Supreme Court, in its murky Affirmative Action decision, failed to address the most important factor – that is, whether a university education is worth s**t to anybody.
Ruth “Bader the Beast” Ginsburg might not be as gung ho for same-sex marriage if, in her youth, she’d been able to “get lucky” within her own species.
Progress in lexicography: In the latest college dictionaries, the word black is defined not as a color, but as a passing grade.
and ...
Bill Clinton made treason seem commonplace. Hillary makes treason seem inevitable. Both make it seem fun. Even Benedict Arnold couldn’t manage that.
Norman Liebmann is a columnist and former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin; wrote and produced Chico and the Man, and created the characters for The Munsters - who are all named after his relatives). Please visit his website Firehat.com, a treasure trove of articles and humor.
firehat@adelphia.net
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