Posted on 06/04/2003 12:42:21 AM PDT by vikingchick
BAGHDAD -- U.S. soldiers sifting through the rubble of a bombed-out Baghdad restaurant have found compelling new evidence that Saddam Hussein was killed in a Coalition air raid: They've recovered what appears to be the remnants of the brutal dictator's trademark bushy mustache!
The scorched whiskers were reportedly uncovered in the ruins of the al-Sa'ah Restaurant, which was destroyed in an air strike on April 7 after U.S. intelligence received word that the Iraqi strongman was dining there.
"We are 95 percent sure that this is Saddam's mustache," declares a military source who requested anonymity.
"If DNA tests confirm that, it will be proof positive that Saddam is dead or sustained extremely significant injuries."
Preliminary examination of the mustache leads the military to be optimistic that the fallen regime's missing "Ace of Spades" indeed bought the farm.
"Not only does it look identical to Saddam's when compared to official portraits, there are traces of hummus and hot peppers on the hairs -- Saddam's favorite dish," the source reveals. "It's a dish that few other people can tolerate and that always had to be specially prepared for him.
"It looks like this time, it was his last meal."
The U.S. Air Force dropped four 2,000-pound "bunker-buster" bombs on the Mansur District restaurant following reports that Saddam -- who had made a defiant speech in front of the eatery three days earlier -- was inside. Later, the bodies of more than a dozen civilians were pulled from the site -- but no Saddam.
Since Coalition forces liberated Baghdad, U.S. soldiers have been doggedly scouring the ruins for any trace of the mustachioed madman.
"We knew that some of the bodies had been literally blown to bits and we might be looking for a very tiny body part," says the source.
"At one point we came across a [deleted] that looked promising, but it was too small and badly charred for DNA testing."
Then, on May 14, eureka!
"When a soldier came up to me holding that familiar-looking mustache, his gloved hands trembling, it was one of the most satisfying moments of my life," the source said. "It as like, 'Yes! We got the SOB.'"
Gen. Tommy Franks, who led Operation Iraqi Freedom, has previously confirmed that the U.S. has samples of Saddam's DNA.
Those samples, rumored to have been gathered during an outing by the flamboyant leader to a gay bathhouse early in 2001, will now be compared to the mustache.
If the tests prove positive, it will put to rest vexing rumors that he evil tyrant survived the attack and is masterminding an underground movement to undermine the so-called American "occupation."
The White House refuses to comment on the mustache report until testing is complete. The ultimate fate of the facial hair, once its authenticity is established beyond a shadow of the doubt, remains uncertain.
"The State Department folks say we should turn it over to Saddam's relatives in Tikrit, so that it can be given a decent burial," the source says. "But some hard-liners in the Pentagon are afraid that it might become a 'sacred' relic that could be used to rally anti-American Iraquis.
"They're pushing for speedy destruction of the mustache."
ROTFL
Come one, fess up , you have a yearly subscription like the rest of us.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL !
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