Ten questions that should be on FCAT test [by Carl Hiassen, Miami Herald, re: UTD's Pat Tornillo]

The Miami Herald ^ | Sun, May. 18, 2003 | CARL HIAASEN

[summer]

Carl Hiaasen

Carl Hiaasen was born and raised in South Florida. He joined The Herald in 1976 and worked as a general assignment reporter, magazine writer and award-winning investigative reporter before starting his column in 1985. He is also the author of many novels, including Basket Case, Sick Puppy, Tourist Season and Strip Tease, which was made into a feature film starring Demi Moore and Burt Reynolds. Hiaasen's column appears regularly on the Other Views page.

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Ten questions that should be on FCAT test

by CARL HIAASEN

The following are 10 timely questions for the next round of FCATs:

1. Pat Tornillo, head of the financially strapped United Teachers of Dade, spent more than $10,200 in union funds on a jaunt to the tropical island of St. Bart's.

Full-time Miami-Dade school teachers pay about $850 annually in UTD dues. How many teachers did it take to subsidize Tornillo's extravagant Caribbean vacation?

a) Six

b) Ten

c) Twelve

d) All 21,770, whether they wanted to or not.

2. Tornillo once billed the union $1,400 for spa treatments at the posh Silverado Resort in Napa Valley. If his masseuse, Pilates instructor and mud-bath attendant all charged the same fee, how much did Tornillo stiff the UTD for each spa treatment?

a) $411.12

b) $422.23

c) $433.34

d) $466.67

3. At the same time that Tornillo was blasting Miami-Dade school administrators for irresponsible spending, he was staying in a $2,000-a-day suite at the Mandarin Oriental hotel on Brickell Key. His bill for eight nights there surpassed $20,000. This behavior is an example of which term listed below:

a) Insensitivity

b) Hypocrisy

c) Arrogance

d) Brass ones

4. Without the knowledge of its rank-and-file members, the UTD reimbursed Tornillo for lodging at the swank Pierre Hotel on Central Park in Manhattan. The cost was $8,671.98. Tornillo stayed there for five days. On average, what was the sum in union funds that he blew each day?

a) $534.40

b) $934.40

c) $1,234.40

d) $1,734.40

5. A social studies teacher with five years' experience in Miami-Dade earns approximately $33,950 a year, and hasn't gotten a raise for almost two years. What percentage of his/her salary should the teacher set aside if he or she wants to spend five days at the Pierre Hotel on a budget of $8,671.98?

a) 15.5%

b) 18.5%

c) 24.5%

d) Not a penny if they go with Tornillo, who'll stick the union with the whole tab.

6. Three years ago, Tornillo and his wife took a first-class tour halfway around the world, later billing the UTD more than $49,000. The grand jurors now hearing evidence about the union leader's expenditures are entitled to:

a) Ask the judge for legal guidance

b) Take notes while witnesses testify

c) Discuss the terms of a possible criminal indictment

d) Excuse themselves frequently to vomit in disgust

7. The UTD headquarters recently got raided by the FBI. Some agents drive Ford Taurus sedans, which have an average trunk space of 16 cubic feet. If Tornillo's expense receipts filled 177 boxes, each measuring one-by-one-by-two feet, how many Taurus sedans would the FBI need to haul away all of the union chief's spending records?

a) Five sedans

b) Ten sedans

c) 22 sedans

d) Forget about it. Rent a semi.

8. Which of the following frivolous expenses did Tornillo not bill to the teachers' union?

a) $1,310 for Christmas trinkets from the Kris Kingle shop

b) 324.83 for python-print pajamas and a matching robe from Neiman-Marcus

c) $4,158 for designer duds from Silvio Bresciana

d) $9,000 for gold-plated bathroom fixtures from Bond Plumbing

9. In addition to renting a luxury condo on Brickell Key (near the Mandarin), Tornillo owns a beachfront home on St. George Island in the Panhandle, a second home on the same island and a townhouse in Tallahassee. How many homes does the average public school teacher rent or own?

a) One

b) One

c) One

d) One

10. As boss of the UTD, Tornillo gets $243,000 in annual salary and benefits. The union also pays for his home phone, utilities, groceries, even liquor. Meanwhile, a teacher with 22 years of classroom experience and a Ph.D earns about $65,625, and pays all his or her own bills. Which adjective accurately describes this disparity:

a) Depressing

b) Revolting

c) Obscene

d) All of the above

(The answer to questions 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8 and 10 is (d). For questions 3, 6 and 9, any choice is acceptable.)

[summer]

I don't always like his writing, but this is an A+ column. Great job, Carl. :)

[summer]

FYI.

[Henk]

His books are hilarious.

[martin_fierro]

He kinda writes like Dave Barry, only edgier.

[doug from upland]

Absolutely amazing. Someone needs to make restitution or go to jail.

[summer]

There was a time I actually thought people on FR exaggerated and/or made up stories about just how bad the union was, even though I did not have a high opinion of the union based on my own experiences as a teacher. But, the real life facts of this Pat Tornillo makes the comments I read on FR seem like kid stuff in comparison. This guy is absolute filth. And - he represents TEACHERS? Not hardly.

[summer]

FYI.

[summer]

FYI.

[summer]

Forgive the ping, but I thought you might be interested in this one article.

[Dog Gone]

I'm still baffled why anyone would join a union voluntarily. This kind of stuff goes on all the time.

Rarely is it pointed out as well as this column does.

[summer]

I think there was once a time, long ago, when unions served their members and fought for noble causes, etc. Now, if that happens, it seems almost like an accident.

[summer]

FYI.

[summer]

FYI.

[Dog Gone]

I completely agree with your assessment of the past role of unions. While they were often corrupt and had broad objectionable political agendas, they were instrumental in bringing reform to a capitalist system that had little oversight by the government.

Today they exist primarily because of past power grabs, and to perpetuate the corruption and political agenda.

[FreePaul]

I don't get his column but I never miss a chance to read a Carl Hiaasen book. He always carries an enviornmentalist message but with good humor. The June Smithsonian magazine has an article about him. He sounds as if he really is interested in the enviornment unlike some of the crazies who just want to shut down progress.

[summer]

they were instrumental in bringing reform to a capitalist system that had little oversight by the government.

Now the question is: Who is providing "oversight" for the union? And, who decided this guy's salary should be twice as much as the FL governor's salary? I don't understand how the rank and file just sat back and let it happen in the first place.

In addition, AP recently ran an article about a "secret slush fund" of more than half a million dollars that Tornillo was keeping for his own retirement, and the retirement of other higher-ups in the union. It sounds like Watergate or something.

[summer]

Well, no offense to you, but this particular column is very straightforward -- I don't know how you wouldn't "get it."

[FreePaul]

My father started working for a major steel company at the start of the twentieth century. He worked in the office rather than in the mill. He told stories about the way workers were treated that made a good case for unions to get started. My earliest recollections of my father's relationship with unions was the constant fighting with them to keep them from taking over the management function without assuming any responsibility. The pendulum had swung strongly in favor of unions.

While unions started off in this country to improve working conditions they have become nothing more than political tools and means for funneling money from the workers to the fat cat union officials. Anyone who complains puts their livelihood and their life in jeopardy.

[FreePaul]

-- I don't know how you wouldn't "get it."

Probably because I don't live in Florida and don't have easy access to Florida papers.

[cardinal4]

His books are hysterical.