Dave Barry: Florida's fire ants headed for trouble

Miami Herald ^ | Sun, May. 04, 2003 | Dave Barry

[WaveThatFlag]

Almost the first thing that happened to me when I moved to South Florida was that I got attacked by a fire ant. This was my own stupid fault: I sat on my lawn.

I thought this was safe because I had come from Pennsylvania, where lawns are harmless ecosystems consisting of 93 percent crabgrass (my lawn was, anyway); 6 percent real grass; and 1 percent cute little critters such as worms, ladybugs and industrious worker ants who scurry around carrying objects that are 800 times their own weight. (They don't USE these objects; they just carry them around. That's how industrious they are.)

Your South Florida lawn, on the other hand, is a seething mass of predatory carnivorous organisms, including land crabs, alligators, snakes ranging in thickness from ''knitting needle'' to ''thigh of Anna Nicole Smith,'' lizards the size of small dogs, and giant hairy spiders that appear to have recently eaten small dogs, and are now wearing their pelts as trophies.

But the scariest South Florida lawn-dweller is the fire ant, a quarter-inch-long insect that can easily defeat a full-grown human in hand-to-hand combat. That's what happened to me. I sat on my lawn, put my hands down and YOW a fire ant -- let's call him Arnie -- injected me with his Special Recipe fire-ant venom, and then watched, with a merry twinkle in each of his 5,684 eyes, as I leaped up and danced wildly around, brushing uselessly at my hand, which felt as though I had stuck it into a toaster-oven set on ''pizza.'' I'm sure the other ants had a hearty laugh when Arnie got back to the colony and communicated this story by releasing humor pheromones (``Then this MORON puts his HAND down! Yes! On the LAWN! Ha ha! Must be from Pennsylvania.'')

That happened 17 years ago, and my hand just recently finished healing. So I am not a fan of fire ants. This is why I was excited when I read a story by Jennifer Maloney in the Miami Herald about a U.S. Department of Agriculture program, right in my neighborhood, to control fire ants by releasing a wondrous little creature called the decapitating phorid fly. This is an amazing fly that kills fire ants via a method that, if insects wrote horror novels, would have been dreamed up by the fire-ant Stephen King.

What happens is, the female phorid fly swoops in on a fire ant and, in less than a tenth of a second, injects an egg into the ant's midsection. When the egg hatches, the maggot crawls up inside the ant, and -- here is the good part -- eats the entire contents of the ant's head. This poses a serious medical problem for the ant, which, after walking around for a couple of weeks with its insides being eaten, has its head actually fall off. At that point it becomes a contestant on The Bachelorette.

No, seriously, at that point the ant is deceased. Meanwhile, inside the detached head, the maggot turns into a fly, and, when it's ready, crawls out and goes looking for more ants.

You can see an amazing video of phorid flies in action at www.cmave.saa.ars.usda.gov/fireant/news1.htm. The video, which has a soundtrack of wild, jungle-style drum music, shows female flies zipping around fire ants like tiny fighter planes, giving the ants FITS. The video also shows how, when a fly isn't fast enough, it gets turned into Purina Ant Chow.

On a recent Friday I went to watch University of Florida Extension Agent Adrian Hunsberger, and Miami-Dade County biologist Ruben Regalado, release phorid flies on the grounds of Baptist Hospital in Kendall. To start the procedure, Ruben stuck a shovel into a fire-ant mound and turned over a bunch of dirt. Immediately, fire ants charged out and began scurrying angrily around.

''They're looking for whoever disturbed their mound,'' said Adrian.

''I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DISTURBING YOUR MOUND,'' I shouted at the ants. ``RUBEN DISTURBED YOUR MOUND. I AM HERE AS A JOURNALIST.''

It's important to maintain your objectivity.

While the mound was swarming, Adrian opened a vial and released a bunch of phorid flies. The flies, which are almost invisible -- little swooping specks -- immediately went after the ants. At least the female flies did. Presumably the males, observing the Universal Guy Top Priority, tried to mate with the females.

Anyway, I think it's a terrific idea, using natural enemies to attack fire ants. To the Department of Agriculture, I say: Good work! To the female phorid flies, I say: You go, girls! And to any fire ants that happen to be crawling on this column, I say: REMEMBER, I DID NOT DISTURB YOUR MOUND.

[Cobra Scott]

Dave is a great humorist. Good post!

[xJones]

I hates fire ants. I'm gonna get me some of them flies.

[js1138]

For the rest of us, there's still Amdro. the really neat thing about fire ant bites is not the pain, but the fact that they don't heal.

[the gillman@blacklagoon.com]

...What happens is, the female phorid fly swoops in on a fire ant and, in less than a tenth of a second, injects an egg into the ant's midsection. When the egg hatches, the maggot crawls up inside the ant, and -- here is the good part -- eats the entire contents of the ant's head...

Gee, is that how democrats get the way they are?

[reflecting]

What a hoot......may the force be with the female flys...

[gridlock]

I know an old lady, who swallowed a fly...
I don't know why she swallowed that fly.
I think she'll die.

I know an old lady, who swallowed a spider...
Who wiggled and giggled and jiggled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
I don't know why she swallowed that fly.
I think she'll die.

Etc...

[WaveThatFlag]

Once while claning out the yard I picked up an old log that was actually a fire ant NEST. I ended up in the emergency room. The count was 436 bites.

[JoeSixPack1]

Fire ants are worthy opponents for a weekend of murder and mayhem.
I have devised, planned, and have stores of fire ant murdering equipment and plans.

I am the evil "jason" of the fire ant world!

:-)~~

[TheBigB]

snakes ranging in thickness from ''knitting needle'' to ''thigh of Anna Nicole Smith,''

LOL--Dave Barry could write a restaurant menu and make me laugh at it. :)

[DeFault User]

Dave should be able to get another column out of the unintended consequences of using the phorid fly to fight the fire ants.

There's a disaster here, somewhere. No good solution goes unpunished. Let's see, the fire ants are eradicated, thus attracting more snow birds to Florida, thus reducing the water table, thus draining the Everglades, thus causing another massive Federal fix, thus increasing the National Debt, etc. etc.

[RicocheT]

Living in the upper Midwest, I did not believe my Alabama in-laws when they said don't touch the fire ant. Up here, ants are harmless, except the big wood ants that will weaken your deck timbers after 10 years chewing on them.

I learned fast that one fire ant bite is no joke. Besides the pain, there is this red pit that takes weeks to heal. Ugh!

[linn37]

exactly

[sausageseller]

There's a disaster here, somewhere. No good solution goes unpunished. Let's see, There is good weather , thus attracting more snow birds to Florida, thus reducing the water table, thus draining the Everglades, thus causing another massive Federal fix, thus increasing the National Debt, etc. etc

SS. All true NOW!

[DeFault User]

There is good weather , thus attracting more snow birds to Florida,...

At least the fire ants might have deterred a few from moving down. Their absence will just make it more attractive.

[Only1choice____Freedom]

>>"I have devised, planned, and have stores of fire ant murdering equipment and plans."

YOU MURDERER!!!!! Ants have a right to live too!!!
Even if they raise large, ichy, painful, stinging welts on your family and pets.


Animals are people too. This is akin to the Holocast for ants. They have no chance aginst humans.

This makes sense, right?

[SquirrelKing]

This makes sense, right?

If you have to ask...

[CapandBall]

good read ping.

[FreePaul]

This writer got bitten by A fire ant? He has to be one of the luckiest people around. I've never gotten away with fewer than a dozen bites and then considered myself lucky. I've used several anti fire ant treatments all of which get rid of the mound/nest but they seem to build another soon enough.